anxious_rain461
Sad, Depraved Artist
- Feb 7, 2023
- 4
I've kind of come to the point of acceptance with not wanting to be here anymore. On September 3, I finally got diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis of my liver. I'm up to half a gallon a day of liquor, can't quit illegal substances no matter how hard I try because I'm mentally weak and it's the only way to not feel anything. I'm just super tired. It's like, if I can't do it myself, I'll hurt my body enough so it can do it itself.
I know liver failure is painful, but I don't care. Finally not being pushed away by doctors for health problems, being treated better by those around me who fear my diagnosis turning to cirrhosis, it feels calm. I'm living in a damn camper, homeless pretty much, a transient slime to the United States. I'm on disability, my partner won't get a job to help us. I always wanted to travel, but accept I won't be able to anymore and have no desire to. Just, in the past year, my joy for life has decreased so much that I just don't care anymore. I don't care about art, my talents, my skills, my family, my partner, my well being, my life - nothing is interesting anymore. Nothing is worth it.
I miss being that little kid who had goals. I had a consultation for top surgery this June that I skipped cause why does it matter. I'm supposed to be getting blood tests for my liver done every two weeks, but what's the point? I really do not care anymore. At one point, I would even be able to tell myself that my art kept me going, or my stories, or the will to want to travel to LA - and I just don't really care anymore cause what does it matter? Art is just a faraway dream - millions of people are better at it than me, my stories are all self indulgent crap, and LA is so dangerous my mom and her boyfriend scared me out of going - why be a transient in a city where transients are already a problem LMAO.
I'm not going to be able to quit drinking or doing substances. If a year of therapy hasn't done anything - only made me more numb because I'm too self aware for my own good, but can't fucking change because I'm weak - then what's the point? I'm so shameful of my drug and alcohol use that I use more to try to numb the fact I'm too weak to quit. I wish there was a reason to quit - to move on, to keep going, but I just hope cirrhosis comes soon so I don't have to worry anymore and they can give me a length of time and I can just go without excuses anymore. Even my partner hasn't discussed my diagnosis and probably would feel better and be happier if I wasn't here anymore because if I want to discuss he, he tells me it ruins his day, so oh well. I don't care either at this point.
Not sharing cause I want to "attention seek" and bullshit about my art cause it gets roasted all the time online and I'm not even good, but I draw to help others and have always wanted to use my art to change someone's life, so if someone else can relate to substance abuse and the struggle, maybe these pieces I did to vent can help someone else who is struggling. Some are just WIP's...I have no motivation from the liver failure, brain fog, withdrawals, shakes, nausea, severe major depression etc. to even draw art, let alone finish it anymore.
I've just given up hope, have no more goals, just hate life. It's not even being transient or broke or poor that's making me feel like this...I've done it before and thrived and survived and was greatful for every day...I'm not like that anymore...it's just life not being exciting anymore. It's just boring. It's just nothing but sad. Why live to just use drugs and drink alcohol and then leave this world? That's not a life worth living. I miss having dreams, but forget what dreams are. My soul doesn't even long for them anymore.
I have so much more I can say, but writing this even was exhausting and I don't even know why I did cause there's no point. Sorry for being so self degrading...if you guys can't even help yourselves through this, how can I? Maybe me writing this can make someone else see how I live and decide "oh shit, I don't want to be a useless transient artist who wasted their skill and their life and can't get sober. I want to be better!" So yeah, anything to bring some sense of positivity, I guess.
Sorry for venting. Thanks for letting me.
"Prisoner to the Poison"
"Paradise"
"Drowning in the Bottle"
"Burnt By the Shame"
I even read my post from two years ago...I was so angry then, still clinging to anything. Now it's pure anhedonia. Even then I was trying to fight. What happened?
I know liver failure is painful, but I don't care. Finally not being pushed away by doctors for health problems, being treated better by those around me who fear my diagnosis turning to cirrhosis, it feels calm. I'm living in a damn camper, homeless pretty much, a transient slime to the United States. I'm on disability, my partner won't get a job to help us. I always wanted to travel, but accept I won't be able to anymore and have no desire to. Just, in the past year, my joy for life has decreased so much that I just don't care anymore. I don't care about art, my talents, my skills, my family, my partner, my well being, my life - nothing is interesting anymore. Nothing is worth it.
I miss being that little kid who had goals. I had a consultation for top surgery this June that I skipped cause why does it matter. I'm supposed to be getting blood tests for my liver done every two weeks, but what's the point? I really do not care anymore. At one point, I would even be able to tell myself that my art kept me going, or my stories, or the will to want to travel to LA - and I just don't really care anymore cause what does it matter? Art is just a faraway dream - millions of people are better at it than me, my stories are all self indulgent crap, and LA is so dangerous my mom and her boyfriend scared me out of going - why be a transient in a city where transients are already a problem LMAO.
I'm not going to be able to quit drinking or doing substances. If a year of therapy hasn't done anything - only made me more numb because I'm too self aware for my own good, but can't fucking change because I'm weak - then what's the point? I'm so shameful of my drug and alcohol use that I use more to try to numb the fact I'm too weak to quit. I wish there was a reason to quit - to move on, to keep going, but I just hope cirrhosis comes soon so I don't have to worry anymore and they can give me a length of time and I can just go without excuses anymore. Even my partner hasn't discussed my diagnosis and probably would feel better and be happier if I wasn't here anymore because if I want to discuss he, he tells me it ruins his day, so oh well. I don't care either at this point.
Not sharing cause I want to "attention seek" and bullshit about my art cause it gets roasted all the time online and I'm not even good, but I draw to help others and have always wanted to use my art to change someone's life, so if someone else can relate to substance abuse and the struggle, maybe these pieces I did to vent can help someone else who is struggling. Some are just WIP's...I have no motivation from the liver failure, brain fog, withdrawals, shakes, nausea, severe major depression etc. to even draw art, let alone finish it anymore.
I've just given up hope, have no more goals, just hate life. It's not even being transient or broke or poor that's making me feel like this...I've done it before and thrived and survived and was greatful for every day...I'm not like that anymore...it's just life not being exciting anymore. It's just boring. It's just nothing but sad. Why live to just use drugs and drink alcohol and then leave this world? That's not a life worth living. I miss having dreams, but forget what dreams are. My soul doesn't even long for them anymore.
I have so much more I can say, but writing this even was exhausting and I don't even know why I did cause there's no point. Sorry for being so self degrading...if you guys can't even help yourselves through this, how can I? Maybe me writing this can make someone else see how I live and decide "oh shit, I don't want to be a useless transient artist who wasted their skill and their life and can't get sober. I want to be better!" So yeah, anything to bring some sense of positivity, I guess.
Sorry for venting. Thanks for letting me.
"Prisoner to the Poison"
"Paradise"
"Drowning in the Bottle"
"Burnt By the Shame"
I even read my post from two years ago...I was so angry then, still clinging to anything. Now it's pure anhedonia. Even then I was trying to fight. What happened?
Last edited:
