I’m alive. please read.

[Ben]

Hi Ben...I am sorry that the effort failed, but happy to see you here. A sitting contradiction...smile. The cold shocks the body into wakefulness. Indeed really cold water has been used to start the lungs moving when pneumonia kills, and was used to start the heart for some heart attacks. It never occurred to me to let you know...ahhh Ben, I am sorry.
I don't know which part of this country you live in but if you need more time to prepare then you can stay with us. Honestly. I am working on 3 different methods at the moment. Only 1 of them is set, but I am waiting for supplies for the other 2. I must succeed...smile...I know we all say that...blush, but it is true.

The only ones who have it easy now are the ones who never return eh...

No disrespect btw, I only mean to honour the users who don't have do deal with their struggles anymore, I'm not taking credit away from their struggles while they were here.

 

[SamK]

Ben

come and bug us for as long as you need pal. I'm so sorry .. I know how defeated you feel by this not working, I really do. For now, are you home?
There are plenty of other opportunities and plenty of time but for now just take care of yourself f best you can.. like moth says it's just a learning curve

Hugs
Sam

 

[SamK]

Also, Hunter is right.
It may look easy enough in a video but the actual committing suicide and succeeding part is harder than some pro lifers will ever understand

So many things to consider... the pain, the pain of failure, the energy it takes, the time it takes, the mental space it takes every second of every day until we succeed
Don't beat yourself up about it most of us here have failed a past attempt or are scared of failing but we are human sometimes it's just not possible at all, it doesn't mean you are weak in any sense.

 

[Ben]

Ben

come and bug us for as long as you need pal. I'm so sorry .. I know how defeated you feel by this not working, I really do. For now, are you home?
There are plenty of other opportunities and plenty of time but for now just take care of yourself f best you can.. like moth says it's just a learning curve

Hugs
Sam

I am home yes. But home will cease to be home very soon. Unfortunately I am limited by a schedule, I don't have the benefit of choosing when I die. I don't want to die, I have to die. It's the only option, and there is not telling me otherwise.

Big fucking hugs Sam <3

 

[Ben]

Also, Hunter is right.
It may look easy enough in a video but the actual committing suicide and succeeding part is harder than some pro lifers will ever understand

So many things to consider... the pain, the pain of failure, the energy it takes, the time it takes, the mental space it takes every second of every day until we succeed
Don't beat yourself up about it most of us here have failed a past attempt or are scared of failing but we are human sometimes it's just not possible at all, it doesn't mean you are weak in any sense.

Thank you for the reassurance. I was nervous about my return. Lucky I am able to understand what I've done wrong, and I covered my ass by explaining myself before anybody asked me to.

I'm just here to interact with people. If My intentions or actions upset anybody, I encourage them to block me, because I never say anything I won't defend :)

 

[PatKat]

Hello friends. Allow me to explain myself.


I've now shown I'm incapable of ensuring my pursuit of death is an absolute one. So next time I say goodbye, keep this in mind.


Before my next attempt, I promise to include my gratitude for all of you Along with my farewell. I'm disgusted that I left without a final interaction with the people who clearly care about me. That was beyond selfish, so I apologize to anybody i left without getting a chance of some sort of closure with me.


This now makes my third failure at KTB. I'll detail what happened with me after I made what I thought was my final post here.


Then, I will explain what my current plans are.


There are plenty of little lakes and rivers and just large bodies of water surrounding my city. I can't count the amount of times I spent as a teenager, wandering into the trees with friends to find a drinking spot.


These range road areas are very secluded, only

getting used when a resident of the area needs to make it to town; or an occasional trucker trying a shortcut.


I packed my backpack, only filled with a bottle of whiskey, big flashlight (it gets dark at 930 here now) and an external phone battery. Had a look at google maps to find a good location, and jumped on the bus.


The bus ride was 1.5 hours with 3 transfers. It was hard to not break down during the ride. It felt like that bus was my coffin and the driver was the grim reaper. I was scared and nervous, but still able to confirm to myself, this is what I want. I thought about not getting on the next bus each time I had to transfer. I was so in my own world, I didn't notice I was probably acting like a weirdo lol.


I arrived in the small sister town attached to my cities nutsack. before dark thank god. The Forrest starts almost immediately as you travel one block down outside their perimeter. The location I scouted on the google maps was a 40 min walk away still. During my walk, I started to experience the beginning of what lead to my eventual failure. The cold.


I knew my window to do this the way I want to, is closing rapidly with winter knocking at the door...Which was Another deciding factor in my sudden departure. However, it hasn't been cold long enough, or consistently enough for all the bodies of water to be frozen over. I dressed warm, and I intended to do a quick cardiovascular workout beforehand, so I was not worried about the cold. It's not -40 here, not yet anyway lol.


I started drinking while walking. Sure enough, when I found the water i was looking for, it was not frozen. Almost as cold as water can get without being ice, but not frozen. It was starting to get dark, and I didn't like that. I got half of my bottle down at this point. I got to doing jumping jacks, and just generally whipping my body about.


Working out was a great distraction from having any second thoughts. Even though these were supposed to be my last moments, I felt very focused on spending all the energy I had in me. After 15 (I think?) mins I'm sweating, out of breath, and ready to start hyperventilating. This was it, I was going to do it. I've tested my ability to blackout before, my confidence this would work was unbendable to me.


I approached the water, and walked in knee deep. Fucking freezing cold water. I did my breathing for what felt like 10 minutes, but surely far longer then i needed to according to my trials


I'm crying while I'm writing this by the way. Lightheaded, dizzy, head throbbing, perfect conditions. Already left my backpack behind, I dove in. Shoes, socks, pants, underwear, belt, shirt and sweater, I just dove in. As soon as I did, I felt a sharp pain in my whole body, and my balls shot up into themselves. I felt myself running out of breath very quickly, and I couldn't of been more aware of that. I couldn't stay under...I didn't instantly blackout. It isn't supposed to happen instantly though, I know this, just well within the amount of time you can hold your breath for. It must of been due to the cold for whatever reason...I was not able to stay submerged for longer then what felt like 5 seconds.


Now the only thing I'm able to focus on is how bloody cold I am. My first thought was to get out, do another workout to regain some body heat, and try again. I couldn't stop my teeth from chattering, making keeping my mouth closed difficult.


I dragged my soaked body out of the water, and realized...this is a lost cause at this point. I'm shaking very intensely, and I'm sure that hypothermia is right around the corner. I have no dry clothing, and I'm a 40 minute walk from any chance of getting dry. Sounds like It would of been easy to just crack the rest of the bottle and attempt to ride it out. I probably wouldn't of lasted the cold night if I passed out before getting dry. Unfortunately it takes more than one bottle of whiskey to actually knock me out.


I didn't have a change of heart; wanting to live now. I was upset I am still alive. All I wanted, was to not be so fucking cold. It multiplies all misery by ten, and is no way to spend your last moments here.


Thank god I didn't dive with my phone in my pocket, because I immediately called a cab. I told them which range roads to pick me up at, grabbed my bag, and I fuckin RAN there. I needed to move quickly if I wanted to alleviate the pain of the cold. Dripping wet, squishing with every step.


I met the cab, and apologized for being wet after falling into a puddle. It was obvious I was extremely cold, so I think that's why he didn't hesitate letting me in. Not his fault at all, but he would of left me in a very bad position if he refused my fare. I tipped him as well as I could.


I bought a cheap hotel room in town, because I didn't want to arrive back home like that. the people in my townhouse complex are very nosy, and likely to create a big deal out of seeing me like I was. The receptionist must of been a mother, because I got the "oh you poor thing" treatment, and gave me a stack of extra towels with my room key.


Ran a warm shower the second I walked in. I got the cold out of my bones, and broke down in the shower. I spent SO MUCH time and energy in this, and look where it got me...in a cheap hotel, alive and defeated.

(1/2) I reached the 10000 char limit so I am splitting this into two sections.

Sorry to this, I hope you have luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Lizzie S.]

I'm sorry that you're attempt failed I failed oding on heroin and messed up my body really badly from that, at least you don't have that. Really wish the peaceful pill was everywhere

 

[Swisher]

(2/2)

The bottom of my feet are in rough shape, from soaking and all the traveling I did in them while they were soaked. They are sore even today. I took a picture of it because I was shocked to see my foot still looking like it did.


This is long after my feet had any contact with water, but they are still wrinkled and uncomfortable to walk on:

https://imgur.com/a/XZ9GYIT


I didn't log onto anything that night, didn't even browse the internet. I turned on the TV, watched a episode of Forged in Fire, and fell asleep. Woke up, checked out, bussed back home...and here I am. It's worse then square one, because I was confident the first time I was at square one. Now I'm at square one again WITH this bullshit experience to accompany me.


I've now read the responses I received on my goodbye post. My eyes filled with tears and I became angry with myself. I thought there was no way I can come back and make the grieving for nothing. I've been very vocal about how I feel about that, so don't bother throwing my own words in my face please. I'm doing what I said should lower the impact of a second goodbye post here. Like I said above, you cannot trust me when I say goodbye anymore. Whatever you felt for me when you thought I was gone, please do your best to not go through that again when I make another attempt. I wanted to try and try again before I came back here...but I'm returning after the one failed attempt, in case my next one works, and I didn't share my experience. It breaks my heart to return here after all this, but I'm alive, and at the very least, I owe you all an update. My next attempt will be on the last day of September, I will say goodbye more respectfully at that time.


I still have faith in my method, but i was a fool to try it outside given the time of year. My time limit when I joined this site, was the end of the month, so I don't plan on being here much longer anyway.. but I'll be available for the next few days at least. It was an impulse to not bother enjoying the few days I have left with a roof over my head. I cannot pay rent, and will not be able to stay another month if I don't come up with the money. I only have one source of income, and it's not looking like it will generate enough money in time without something major happening. I will not accept a penny from anybody here, send them to the admins of this site if you want to do that. This site gives me a reason to wait until my expiration date.


I've been homeless before for a 3 month period, and I'm not willing to be in that situation ever again. It's hard enough to KTB with the resources provided by a household and steady income...so your options are extremely limited when on the streets.


Before I discovered SWB, my plan was to do partial hanging. If SWB fails me in my tub, I will go with plan B. I'm still confident SWB is the choice for me, but it is clearly not fool proof. I'm usually very methodical, and my failure stems from my emotions getting the best of me. I just pulled the trigger without lining up my shot. I don't plan on letting impulsive behaviours interfere with a well developed strategy again.


One thing I would take away from my experience, is you don't have to accept a users departure from this site, as a absolutely certainty they have KTB. If it gives you peace to think that they are still alive, then don't let speculation take that from you. Of course, we understand the embrace of death to be a kindness to willing recipients...but once all contact is lost, you believe what you want to believe, and don't take anybodies conflicting opinion as fact.


So, I'm back for now. I'll continue trying to be a positive part of this community while I'm here.


To everyone who replied with messages, I will PM you this post, instead of replying to you individually on previous threads (unless it was a private conversation that you would like to continue via PM). If you spot me in the wild before seeing this, and ask me what happened, I'll link you here.


It's bitter sweet to return. Bitter, because nothing has changed. Sweet, because I can bug you guys for a bit longer :)

(2/2)

The bottom of my feet are in rough shape, from soaking and all the traveling I did in them while they were soaked. They are sore even today. I took a picture of it because I was shocked to see my foot still looking like it did.


This is long after my feet had any contact with water, but they are still wrinkled and uncomfortable to walk on:

https://imgur.com/a/XZ9GYIT


I didn't log onto anything that night, didn't even browse the internet. I turned on the TV, watched a episode of Forged in Fire, and fell asleep. Woke up, checked out, bussed back home...and here I am. It's worse then square one, because I was confident the first time I was at square one. Now I'm at square one again WITH this bullshit experience to accompany me.


I've now read the responses I received on my goodbye post. My eyes filled with tears and I became angry with myself. I thought there was no way I can come back and make the grieving for nothing. I've been very vocal about how I feel about that, so don't bother throwing my own words in my face please. I'm doing what I said should lower the impact of a second goodbye post here. Like I said above, you cannot trust me when I say goodbye anymore. Whatever you felt for me when you thought I was gone, please do your best to not go through that again when I make another attempt. I wanted to try and try again before I came back here...but I'm returning after the one failed attempt, in case my next one works, and I didn't share my experience. It breaks my heart to return here after all this, but I'm alive, and at the very least, I owe you all an update. My next attempt will be on the last day of September, I will say goodbye more respectfully at that time.


I still have faith in my method, but i was a fool to try it outside given the time of year. My time limit when I joined this site, was the end of the month, so I don't plan on being here much longer anyway.. but I'll be available for the next few days at least. It was an impulse to not bother enjoying the few days I have left with a roof over my head. I cannot pay rent, and will not be able to stay another month if I don't come up with the money. I only have one source of income, and it's not looking like it will generate enough money in time without something major happening. I will not accept a penny from anybody here, send them to the admins of this site if you want to do that. This site gives me a reason to wait until my expiration date.


I've been homeless before for a 3 month period, and I'm not willing to be in that situation ever again. It's hard enough to KTB with the resources provided by a household and steady income...so your options are extremely limited when on the streets.


Before I discovered SWB, my plan was to do partial hanging. If SWB fails me in my tub, I will go with plan B. I'm still confident SWB is the choice for me, but it is clearly not fool proof. I'm usually very methodical, and my failure stems from my emotions getting the best of me. I just pulled the trigger without lining up my shot. I don't plan on letting impulsive behaviours interfere with a well developed strategy again.


One thing I would take away from my experience, is you don't have to accept a users departure from this site, as a absolutely certainty they have KTB. If it gives you peace to think that they are still alive, then don't let speculation take that from you. Of course, we understand the embrace of death to be a kindness to willing recipients...but once all contact is lost, you believe what you want to believe, and don't take anybodies conflicting opinion as fact.


So, I'm back for now. I'll continue trying to be a positive part of this community while I'm here.


To everyone who replied with messages, I will PM you this post, instead of replying to you individually on previous threads (unless it was a private conversation that you would like to continue via PM). If you spot me in the wild before seeing this, and ask me what happened, I'll link you here.


It's bitter sweet to return. Bitter, because nothing has changed. Sweet, because I can bug you guys for a bit longer :)

Ben!

 

[sky7]

I'm sorry you had such an ordeal. You gave it such an effort, this time around just wasn't meant to be. (I apologize for sounding like a platitude).

 

[Punished snake]

You probably need to change method

 

[Moth]

Wow..that is undeniably a much more truamazing attempt then mine, IMO.. how is your relationship currently with your brother? Surely that experience altered it yes?

It's still the same, he's had to rescue me from sever self harm episodes before, so unfortunately he's used to this sort of thing. Although I know it has affected him quite badly. Which I feel shit about to be honest. He won't tell me what I wrote, I can't remember.

 

[Ben]

It's still the same, he's had to rescue me from sever self harm episodes before, so unfortunately he's used to this sort of thing. Although I know it has affected him quite badly. Which I feel shit about to be honest. He won't tell me what I wrote, I can't remember.

I hope you can break the cycle one day friend

 

[Ben]

Ben!

Hey swisher!

 

[Ben]

Sorry to this, I hope you have luck in whatever you decide.

Thanks, I still plan to SWB, but I have plan B now incase

 

[Ben]

I'm sorry you had such an ordeal. You gave it such an effort, this time around just wasn't meant to be. (I apologize for sounding like a platitude).

Thanks, i did give it the ol college try...but I set myself up for failure by not correctly analyzing all the variable

 

[Ben]

You probably need to change method

I still belive in SWB, the facts are there, I failed for what are now, obvious reasons to me.

 

[MachineGunDani]

Put a sock over ur penis and balls! Lol keep them boys warm!

 

[Swisher]

Hey swisher!

I'm sorry...but so selfishly glad you and your nutsack are here! I tried on the 12th...got sick as I began...??? I was having a cute little stroke. Ha!

BEN!!! I'll take ya and your feet for as long as you're here. ( I'll probably wash your feet)

 

[Ben]

I'm sorry...but so selfishly glad you and your nutsack are here! I tried on the 12th...got sick as I began...??? I was having a cute little stroke. Ha!

BEN!!! I'll take ya and your feet for as long as you're here. ( I'll probably wash your feet)

Haha thanks swisher. I'll open a PM dialogue with you :)

 

[Ben]

Put a sock over ur penis and balls! Lol keep them boys warm!

Hahaha da boys did nothing to deserve that

 

[Swisher]

It's still the same, he's had to rescue me from sever self harm episodes before, so unfortunately he's used to this sort of thing. Although I know it has affected him quite badly. Which I feel shit about to be honest. He won't tell me what I wrote, I can't remember.

Hi Moth. I just wanted to say, hi.

I have something called vasavegal syncope. Wish I could try that. I totally get it

 

[Swisher]

Put a sock over ur penis and balls! Lol keep them boys warm!

It does seem to be an important element (elements?). I'll try knitting a cozy ball-warmer.. I WILL NOT make it too small even tho I kinda think that would be amusing.

 

[MachineGunDani]

It does seem to be an important element (elements?). I'll try knitting a cozy ball-warmer.. I WILL NOT make it too small even tho I kinda think that would be amusing.

Lol great idea!!

 

[Swisher]

Lol great idea!!

I do have to agree. But KNIT? I am not craft-related! This is going to be hell...