I wanted to share my experience at a psychiatric hospital with you
(Note: I don't want you to think that getting treatment is a bad thing or to criticize the medical staff, but sometimes things can go really wrong)
It all happened at the beginning of the year, from November to January.
I started my new year at college in September, and the first two months went relatively well.
In the past, I was diagnosed with treatment-resistant severe depression, then bipolar disorder, and I was taking lithium to stabilize my mood.
It came out of nowhere; I started feeling a deep emptiness again. I couldn't get up in the morning to go to class; I didn't want to do anything. I spent the entire month of November just rotting in bed and stopped my medication.
At first it was a fantasy, then a plan emerged; I watched countless gory videos to see how people hanged themselves...
and I wanted to do it, but since I'm kind of a wimp,
I thought about taking medication at least to reduce my anxiety before going through with it.
One day I knew it was time…
I took a total of 4 boxes of 50mg oxazepam: I know I took more than 2g.
Then everything went completely black—I don't remember what happened after that.
My last memory is from three days after the incident, in a psychiatric hospital. I was handcuffed...
Apparently, since I wasn't responding to my brother, the firefighters and then the police arrived. The apartment was a mess with a lot of blood on the walls, I had cuts all over my body, and they had to handcuff me to control me...
So I ended up in a psychiatric hospital—it was one of the most humiliating moments of my life
They stripped me completely naked and locked me in a room with nothing but a bed in the center, built into the floor; apart from the bed, there was nothing—not even a pillow or a blanket... They explained that it was for my own protection, and I stayed in that room, cut off from everything and completely naked, for five days. I wasn't allowed to leave for more than 15 minutes a day, either in the evening to eat or to take a shower (always under supervision).
I explained to them that I wasn't violent, but they told me they were mainly afraid I might hurt myself.
After those five days, I was finally allowed to get dressed (in hospital pajamas). They gave me a suicide-proof blanket (tear-proof)
and I was left alone again in that room all day for another 5 days.
I remember one day the fire alarm went off; I think that was one of the most terrifying moments of my entire life!!! no one came to tell me it was just a drill; I truly believed I was going to burn alive
then I was finally able to leave that cursed room and was placed in a more conventional room
I stayed there for two months.
I was in a multidisciplinary ward: there were all kinds of psychiatric conditions there, but mostly schizophrenia.
No one talked to each other; we only left our rooms to smoke and eat.
During my hospitalization, the doctors didn't tell me anything specific.
I don't know about you, but I really feel like these drugs are like a modern-day lobotomy.
I've seen patients who, although not violent but a bit agitated, were put on medication: they literally drooled all over themselves, were unable to form a coherent sentence, and walked in tiny steps.
So, after two very long months, I've finally come out of it.
My takeaway: be careful with benzos.
Thanks to everyone for reading.
Please feel free to share your thoughts.
(Note: I don't want you to think that getting treatment is a bad thing or to criticize the medical staff, but sometimes things can go really wrong)
It all happened at the beginning of the year, from November to January.
I started my new year at college in September, and the first two months went relatively well.
In the past, I was diagnosed with treatment-resistant severe depression, then bipolar disorder, and I was taking lithium to stabilize my mood.
It came out of nowhere; I started feeling a deep emptiness again. I couldn't get up in the morning to go to class; I didn't want to do anything. I spent the entire month of November just rotting in bed and stopped my medication.
At first it was a fantasy, then a plan emerged; I watched countless gory videos to see how people hanged themselves...
and I wanted to do it, but since I'm kind of a wimp,
I thought about taking medication at least to reduce my anxiety before going through with it.
One day I knew it was time…
I took a total of 4 boxes of 50mg oxazepam: I know I took more than 2g.
Then everything went completely black—I don't remember what happened after that.
My last memory is from three days after the incident, in a psychiatric hospital. I was handcuffed...
Apparently, since I wasn't responding to my brother, the firefighters and then the police arrived. The apartment was a mess with a lot of blood on the walls, I had cuts all over my body, and they had to handcuff me to control me...
So I ended up in a psychiatric hospital—it was one of the most humiliating moments of my life
They stripped me completely naked and locked me in a room with nothing but a bed in the center, built into the floor; apart from the bed, there was nothing—not even a pillow or a blanket... They explained that it was for my own protection, and I stayed in that room, cut off from everything and completely naked, for five days. I wasn't allowed to leave for more than 15 minutes a day, either in the evening to eat or to take a shower (always under supervision).
I explained to them that I wasn't violent, but they told me they were mainly afraid I might hurt myself.
After those five days, I was finally allowed to get dressed (in hospital pajamas). They gave me a suicide-proof blanket (tear-proof)
and I was left alone again in that room all day for another 5 days.
I remember one day the fire alarm went off; I think that was one of the most terrifying moments of my entire life!!! no one came to tell me it was just a drill; I truly believed I was going to burn alive
then I was finally able to leave that cursed room and was placed in a more conventional room
I stayed there for two months.
I was in a multidisciplinary ward: there were all kinds of psychiatric conditions there, but mostly schizophrenia.
No one talked to each other; we only left our rooms to smoke and eat.
During my hospitalization, the doctors didn't tell me anything specific.
I don't know about you, but I really feel like these drugs are like a modern-day lobotomy.
I've seen patients who, although not violent but a bit agitated, were put on medication: they literally drooled all over themselves, were unable to form a coherent sentence, and walked in tiny steps.
So, after two very long months, I've finally come out of it.
My takeaway: be careful with benzos.
Thanks to everyone for reading.
Please feel free to share your thoughts.
