My plan

[dandelion_fluff]

I don't know when or even if I will do this, but if I ever am ready to die, I would do this. I would do the shallow water blackout method. Basically, I will make myself hyperventilate before jumping into a body of water and holding my breath. This will make me black out before drowning. The main reason I want to do this is that I don't want my family to know I killed myself. I know that would make them feel guilty. Whereas with this method, it'll look like a dumb and fatal accident. I will make it look like I, a bad swimmer, got too much hubris over my swimming abilities and went into the deep end and died. I will do this in a pool that has no people, so nobody tries to save me or gets traumatized, although somebody will likely find my body, which I am sorry about. That's why I will do this in a place where my family is not around. I heard it is a painless method as you black out before you drown, so that's good. The big obstacle to doing this will be having enough willpower to willfully take my life. As of right now, I still have some hope for the future and feel a responsibility to stay alive so my family doesn't suffer. But I have never seen myself grow old, and truthfully, I don't really want to. I don't see myself getting married, having children, or having a full-time job. But any other option would be a disappointment to my parents and myself. So if I don't want to go down the normal path of life or do something else, then my only option is to die.

Dying as of right now is still scary to me, so perhaps I will try to make peace with the idea of it to prepare myself. Even typing this out has actually left me with a sense of relief. Like I have a backup plan in case other things don't work out.