Venting I'm a mistake and the universe is trying to course correct by making me kill myself : my unhinged theory and vent

[beyondbreath]

I feel like my whole existence is just one big mistake. First off I almost died when I was a baby due to an illness. I think I was supposed to have died because since then I'm struggling to live and fit in anywhere. It's like the universe is trying to course correct to wipe me from existence. Like a sick mental illness based Final Destination.


My family fell apart and I ended up living with an aunt and uncle who abused me and damaged my sense of self and view of who I am beyond repair. I'm 27 now and I still am in such deep pain. I was bullied in school and was the weird one even among my own friends group. I developed depression and an anxiety disorder at age 12 and started cutting at that age as well. Disclaimer, I no longer cut, so that's not something to worry about.


Then I got into a relationship that lasted 8 years and ended really badly with a betrayal from him. Like nobody is obligated to stay with someone they don't love but you don't fucking buy a house, move your long time partner in to the house, make a big deal about how this is their home now and tell them you love them and want to be with them and would trust them with your life, then break up ONE MONTH later, thus uprooting their entire life. He led me on to believe I had a home and life with him. Bonus, most of my friends were through him so I lost all of them.


I did really well in school and got a college and university degree/bachelor's degree and I was on the Dean's list and honour roll. Then around 2020 in my last year of uni I started experiencing mild cognitive decline and now I'm fucking stupid and have an awful memory and can't concentrate. I'm currently a temp admin secretary at a hospital and I pray so hard that they don't think I'm too stupid to be offered a permanent position. I'm trying my fucking hardest every single day but that word TEMP just hangs over me like a fucking axe. If any of you believe in prayer, I don't care who to, please pray I get a permanent position. I don't need luxury, I just need stability. Please, god. Please.


My one friend I have now and have had for years, after my breakup I moved to her town so for the last 3ish years we have been hanging out in person and she's become a bitch toward me. Making jokes about my weight, the food I like to eat, saying things she'd have a fucking shit fit over if I said them to her. I have no other friends. I'm so alone. Bonus she just got a new boyfriend and has barely talked to me the last few weeks, even though I recently lost one of my cats and she KNOWS I'm depressed out of my mind.


I want to make friends and maybe find love again but I am a shell of who I used to be. I'm fat, I'm tired, I'm stupid, I'm a loser. I wish I'd ended it when I was 12 so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this.



I've tried to get help many, many times. I'm on meds, have tried many meds. Have seen many counselors. There's only so much "uwu self care" can help me. CBT is just gaslighting yourself. I'm told I need to get out more but everything costs money and I don't know how to make any friends.


All this, I worked so hard in school and in life to be strong and get up every fucking day and for what? This depression. This loneliness. This fear. Death is watching and laughing as he torments me. He doesn't want to take me by force, by an accident or a physical illness. He wants me to come to him. He wants me to give up and give in.


I feel like a massive blight and mistake upon this earth and I see no future for myself.


Thank you all for listening to my rant/vent. I have nobody to say all this to and I had to get it out and I just want to be heard by someone who will actually understand me. I'm in so much pain and sadness and I'm so tired of this.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

First, I'm so sorry about your cat and all the other grievances you've been through/are going through. And secondly, I relate to the feeling of my existence being a mistake.

I almost drowned when I was around 5, I think I should have died then, and somehow the world fucked up and I'm still here. Much of my life has been incoherent, unexplainable/and strange events that make no sense, events that have no rational reason to have happened to me.

If you ever need someone to vent/brain dump to, I'm here.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate a lot. I'm an empty shell and I wish I would've went through with my plan when I was 12. I let my shit go on for way to long. Now I can't feel pain, sadness or anything else. I hope something can improve for you.

 

[AdPersonam]

Us circling ourselves in our thoughts will always allow us to find patterns that will tell us what we want to hear. It's part of why we are the way we are. Us not being of import enough for the universe to even notice us is, quite literally, a sentence to death for us. So we will take even the worst punishment, because it's preferable to not mattering. A thousand times over. Because what would everything have been for, in that case?
Exactly. Nothing.
And that's where paths diverge. To one, this answer is abhorrent and they will fill it with whatever noise comes to them. To another, this answer brings a sudden peace. It's all for nothing, so I can just stop at any given point in time. I just have to accept my death. Socially, financially, emotionally, in whatever form and circle.
And to another group of people, that answer is just the beginning.

 

[Exit Existence]

Mistake? Naw it's just pure coincidence. Your existence here is just as valid as anyone else's.
Sorry to hear your family life has been really on the down turn..good you don't self harm though.
I'm sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out...did he specify why it didn't work out?
Hmm maybe you can start looking for other jobs around the same area of expertise? something more permanent?
Go find a meet up find more friends, meet new people make new friends, find new love.
Maybe you should start an exercise activity if you have self esteem issues about your weight?

I think you've accomplished a lot, even more so then me. Keep at it!