"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Still.For.A.Minute]

Hi.
I'm not sure whether this belongs here in this thread, but I really have to vent/tell my current situation.

This is so exhausting, living right now. Right here.

After a burnout from 2023, I think I haven't recovered from it. The brain fog, vanished capability to make decisions, overwhelmed by everything, having zero motivation to even go to wash myself, roaming problem-solving to everything that I can or can't solve and having persistent anxiety that I can't control, desperate thoughts, all of it.... is still here. And it's getting worse.

My mind has turned into a black void that I can't escape. I'm having daily suicidal ideations, nothing makes me happy or even okay anymore. My lovely cat doesn't bring me joy, nor my loving husband, who is doing everything that I'd feel better.. Thinking of them makes me just sad and guilty of having them in my life, because if I wouldn't be blessed with them, I'd already be gone.
I made a promise to my husband that I won't ctb and be here. But in my mind have a heavy thought, when my cat have passed, I'll go with her.
She's 9, and has to be medicated two times a day to keep her epileptic seizures in control. The bond I have with her is something else, she's my baby, closest thing from a child, my roommate and soul mate. Just purring unconditionally loving and accepting furball.
I don't know what I'll do after her, we have estimated at least few years together left. I am so scared about the day it happens. I know I haven't gave her everything, I feel so guilty for being unwell that I couldn't do that all she deserves.
But she is keeping me alive, because if I die, it would be so unfair for her. She is the the life I'm keeping alive, when myself is already dead inside.

I am so disappointed that I told anything, because now I've created a cell for myself from freedom of choice of my living, to a promise to not ever ctb. I feel guilty for making a promise like that. But I want to keep it, because I still have the fading spark for getting better. I upped my antidepressant medication on Feb 1st, too. For a few days it brought me some relief, but now I've been like shit again. It's said that the real changes of upping dosage is seen after 12 weeks. I'm not sure what to do if this doesn't work. It stopped my worst meltdowns and I'm a little less reactive, though. That's a plus, those things along depressed state is hard.

As to my husband, he has he's own problems. He is prone to get angry when someone is having negative feelings and it's really an issue, because I am very emotional and expressive/animated person. These times the anger flashes are really getting to me.

Nowadays I just focus on eating something daily, because I know very well that starving is making the coping with my life very hard and it's a circle that goes round and round. ED is a bitch that feeds off me not feeding myself.

I am exhausted and future looks 6ft under if I don't get better soon.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the Support Group Megathread @ShadowOfASelf and @Still.For.A.Minute

 

[Onlookerx]

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with certain urges related to SH? I've been dealing with it a lot more lately..

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with certain urges related to SH? I've been dealing with it a lot more lately..

Welcome to the Support Group Megathread.

There's the SH Support Thread:

Self Harm Support Thread

I see self harm mentioned a lot on this forum, but never one set area for it. So I wanted to do a thread where people can come and talk freely, seek support Self harm goes unnoticed, but its a path many of us walk. Share your story, support and more here? This is not a thread to encourage...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[litany_of_thoughts]

Hi

Not even sure how to start this, but I'm looking towards recovering from continually trying to destroy my body after an episode in the ICU that doctors didn't think I'd survive has changed my perspective a bit.

I took an overdose of nearly 9 grams of diphenhydramine, had 4 seizures, and they used the defibrillator twice after I apparently died for a short time in the ambulance due to complex tachycardia. The last thing I remember is swallowing the last of the pills in a park near my house, after which point I entered a full delirium and somehow ended up ringing a friend (I'm assuming SI kicked in while I was hallucinating)

I remember waking up in the hospital and being very delirious, then I quickly improved over a few days. When I read my discharge paper and realised how unlikely it was that I survived, all I could think was that it must just not be my time to go yet? And surviving without any permanent damage that I've discovered so far (other than a much higher resting heart rate) I feel like I owe it to everyone around me that I've scared the absolute shit out, and my apparently quite resilient body, to give living another try.

Not really sure what I'm expecting from this, but I guess I'd like to speak to people who've been in a similar situation and had such a sudden change of heart and have navigated that.

I'm definitely still having days where I think 'fuck it', and the more nihilistic I get about myself the happier I seem to get, but I'm also for the first time in a while experiencing days where I wake up, look out of my window and admire the fact that I'm here to see the beauty of another day, have another conversation with friends, and listen to my mother speak about the things she's done that day. I want to be here for those things, but the bad days are hard. I'm getting through it with alcohol and drugs, because it's so recent my current mantra is 'whatever makes me happy', but I know that's not sustainable, nor is it good for my future and the damage I've likely already done to my body.

 

[permanentsorrow]

Been a while since I posted on here, partly cuz I was getting better partly since I wanted to stay off of this place. Recovery is looking a bit weird for me atp since the urge to fall back into an indulgence is stronger than ever. I just feel like letting myself go, at least for a bit. Thing is, i don't know how to keep anything in moderation, my alcohol tolerance is abysmal and i have a hard time discerning when to stop, often ending up with a bad hangover or i throw up and pass out.
A similar case when I smoke but I don't exactly enjoy smoking so that's that. And my other indulgence for a while was harming myself but I've decided to not depend on it. I'm just pretty lost on what to fall back on, or use as an escape. I'm anhedonic so hobbies are out of the question, masturbation doesn't offer any substantial pleasure and media bores me.
I've been considering getting alcohol again but I'm not sure if that's the best decision.
I sure do like to think I've been getting better but I'm not so sure anymore

 

[SpeedDemon]

Ive got help for alcohol and drug abuse, and im seeing a therapist weekly now. Its been 2 weeks since my failed hanging attempt and another try is not on the cards. I'm struggling with a depression that I just can't shake off and I'm working towards trying to fix myself. I'm in uncharted territory.

 

[4colliez]

I want to stop drinking every time I feel bad but I literally have nothing else. I completely lost sight of my life.
I don't have anything else to turn to anymore, pills make me feel worse, people say they care but then act like you're nothing. What's up with that? It feels so selfish idk. Because I keep telling myself I wouldn't do that but maybe I'm just the same and I can't see it. I'm falling into the same mindset that had me end up like this in the first place.
I'm making a whole plan to do something really dumb that I'll definitely regret but I need to feel good about myself for even just a second. I keep telling myself I need to find someone who doesn't care about me or my feelings that way I won't be disappointed and if I am I know it's my fault. I'm tired of people lying and saying they care, I don't know why it just hurts so much more

Everyone who hurt me won. I'm miserable and Im falling even lower. Everyone who left was right. It's not a good feeling caring about someone who's slowly killing themselves

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Creating a benchmark, trying to inspire myself, and anyone else reading this, to believe that there is hope, that there are people who understand and care.
This forum has helped me tremendously, and my hope is my words will help someone else. We all have a story, or many stories, that start out as pain, but can be shared to help someone else see that they are not alone, that there are solutions, even if the solution is "sit on your hands, don't make it worse".
I've been watching the battery on the device on which I've been writing, and because I type slowly, it's now almost to where I have to plug it in. My recovery is like that, a little, in that I have to recharge regularly, or I get drained and turn off. And I can't give from an empty cup. But I also can't spend all my time charging, I have to use that positive energy and do something.
Finding the right balance of recovery, and using what I learn in recovery to live my life, or take positive steps towards any goal, means disconnecting and getting busy.
In the end, I'm just happy to be here.

 

[witchcraft]

Anyone else here have a negative experience with CBD? I tried it yesterday for back pain (full spectrum), and it was literally only .25ml of a sublingual dropper—start low, go slow they say. To avoid triggering anyone, I won't go into detail, but it has triggered my own feelings of derealization / depersonalization.

Part of me thinks it might be the trace amounts of THC that are in full spectrum, but it completely ruined my day yesterday as I tried to manage the anxiety and overall shitty feeling of not being myself, and even today after a decent sleep I do not feel 100% back to baseline yet. Maybe like 85%...

Just frustrating and feel defeated, not to mention anxious. I hate this spacey, disconnected feeling so much; it's still a bit hard to focus. I would rather go back to my weird mixture of depressed and strung-out on nicotine, please. Desperately. At least I knew that that was me, not this crap.

I've tried chewing some mint gum to cope. Making sure I'm drinking water and eating something decent. Even chewed on a couple things of black peppercorn just to shock my senses a bit. Took a hot shower. It all helped somewhat but I'm still not completely back to normal. If previous episodes are anything to go by, it could be several more days to several weeks to fully reset. Searching online and stumbling across a couple posts about how so-and-so felt like this for years really didn't help—that just makes me spiral and tempts me to freak out.

I hate it here. How tf can my mind and body overreact like this to .25ml of a CBD+CBG mixture, even one that is admittedly full spectrum. I'm taking a nicotine pouch to see if it'll take the edge off and help me reset. The only thing I can think of is that I've negatively reacted *exactly the same way* to weed in the past, and that the weed-taste of the substance, combined with trace amounts of THC and every other part of CBD, landed me somewhere in between placebo and a genuine reaction.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

How far gone can you be before coming back?

I've completely given up self-care, mental and physical. I doomscroll all day, stinking, unshowered, in a filthy apartment. I haven't exercised in 7 months. I'm turning 37 in June and I have no college degree or job skills. I'm probably still going to puss out from an upcoming obligation due to this all consuming depression. How can I possibly start a lifetime of education and work that should have started decades ago?

 

[krsm98]

im honestly tired of trying, havent had a moment to truly rest well and everyday just passes by with everything feeling worse and worse. I wanna wish things could get better but like hell will i ever see that come. I want fod things to end but i also feel like i need to try again, yet every single mistake or person who has left my life just haunts me everyday, and cant help but think that im only making things worse if i stay here longer. When am i going to disappoint the next person, when am i just going to ruin it all by not being a lifeless puppet.
Sometimes i wish i just accepted things as they were and just shut up and played my part in my life and pretend as if i am fine to not push things away and make someone worry for someone who is slowly losing it or just not able to handle it anymore.
I just, wish i could go, convince myself that i dont have to ever worry about anything after this life, as it will be nihil. I will please everyone in absence and no one has to get hurt by this rotting thing i call myself.

I just, want things to get better and i keep trying, like hell do i try everyday but my mind keeps reminding me of all the reasons why i should just stop and rot. Nothing i ever will do will ever help, or make anything better; that i just ruined my own life and now im just delaying it. That is all i think everyday, nonstop, and i want to get better and am trying... is just that idk how to stay consistent when i am just so tired of everything. Idk if ill ever get better, as now i just ended up being a complete disappointment and utter failure.

And to top it ig i wish i wasnt as lonely and yet, here i am making things worse by not being able to be fine and act fine like everything is alright, when it rlly isnt. Is not like ik how to rlly keep a connection either way as ill probably ruin it eventually. yet i wish i could just not have ruined it as i always do

 

[ThatsAllFolks2218]

I don't know if this is the wrong place to ask for help when you're unsure whether you want to CTB today or delay it. Because that's me. I was actually very seriously about to do it yesterday but I got caught up in my brain overthinking whether to take drugs/alcohol to help make FSH easier and which ones to take, and by then it was 6:30AM and I was really tired and couldn't make decisions and worried it was too late to not be found at some point, so I figured I would do it today.

I woke up today and physically felt pretty bad, after breakfast my stomach hurt and the usual symptoms are back though some of them don't feel as bad as other times, but I know that won't last. And tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment (for my eyes) I really don't want to go to because it requires a lot of engagement on my part (I have to learn how to put on special contact lenses for a rare eye condition I (yay lucky me) have) and I don't think I can do it in my condition right now. I also just don't want to wake up anymore. I have another medical scan on Friday which will probably finally put to rest if there's something physically wrong that they can find in my rectum and I've gone from fighting so hard to get a referral for it to no longer caring because it's been so long and I'm just so tired of getting probed in humiliating ways, going to appointments in the Canadian cold, being in general pain, and having scans turn up nothing and honestly, part of me really wants to CTB so I'll never know. I don't care anymore. I don't want to go to either appointment. The idea of ceasing to exist, of a world without me where people will have to deal with the fallout of how badly I've been treated by the psychiatric and medical communities since this all happened kind of appeals to me, but mostly just the idea of ceasing to be.

And yet... I just keep thinking of my best friend, she's in Australia, and she's basically the only reason I haven't CTB yet, even though I know she'd understand, she already said she's been treating me like I have a terminal illness and can go at any time, but I know she'd also be extremely upset, sad, hurt by it... and also part of me just wonders if I can make it through a few more days, a few more appointments, maybe these muscle relaxants and stuff my GI has been prescribing me to reduce the pain/sensation in my rectum will help and maybe I'll feel okay enough to go to Australia and maybe spending a few months with my best friend in a place that's not cold will help heal me and my body will fix itself. Nobody still knows wtf happened to me. Idk. That's the only thing that's kept me from wanting to do it today. That's it. Otherwise, I'm prepared. I'm ready for the pain, I'm hoping I pass out, but I think I can fight through it until I eventually lose consciousness even if I don't. Though that would suck a lot.

I could really use somebody to talk to about this, just.... anybody. That's the thing that sucks about being suicidal, nobody wants to talk to you about it except to convince you not to do it or give you platitudes about how things will get better or they just call the cops on you or something. It's so lonely. I don't want somebody to talk me out of it or talk me into it, I just want somebody to talk. My DMs are open I guess.

I get it. The feeling of dread or caution of telling someone you are suicidal, let alone that they ALREADY known you are suicidal/ have suicidal ideation/ have attempted in the past. I feel bad everyday for my younger sibling even now when I am having a normal conversation with her, because I attempted with a knife in front her. I feel fucking awful about it that I manipulated her in having her stay in life. There are times I want to ask if she is doing ok. Because she still lives with our mother. Like I am her older brother, and yet here she is supporting me when I get anxious.
I even felt that way with my mom before I went NC with her, because she was the one who found me seizing on the floor after I attempted to OD on medication. She and her partner at the time, carried all 260 pounds of me downstairs, holstered me up, to tell me that she was taking me to the hospital because I took too many pills, and drove me to the ER. I don't wish that on anyone, not even her.
So future interactions, it's like they worry if I am fine. Even when it's been days, months, years and things are going fine, I can sense they worry alot if I am doing fine. The amount of guilt that is carried, is indescribable.

 

[blepblep]

Dr's visit tomorrow. Considering ECT, the clinic also offers TMS but I just want to feel better now. I hate being depressed. I also have a bad habit of masking in front of my dr. Cracking jokes and smiling when questions get too real. No idea what to bring up. Can't end up in the looney bin, cat needs someone to feed him. Any replies would be appreciated.

 

[pelicanportal]

Feels like my therapist doesn't like me, maybe I am just sensitive but how can a very nice pretty normie woman possibly relate or pretend to care about my onslaught of retardation and depression and self-hate and isolation

 

[nothirdact]

How do I know if I really want to recover? I think I do, but the path to getting there feels way too long. I feel like I need constant reassurance and support. I don't really want to participate in society anymore. I'm not actively suicidal, but I don't know if it's worth it to try and change. I feel like no matter what I do or what happens, in the end I'll end up CTB.

 

[UltraAlter]

Just casually popping in to wish everyone love and support in their journeys. I hope everyone is doing well

 

[byec560]

How do I know if I really want to recover? I think I do, but the path to getting there feels way too long. I feel like I need constant reassurance and support. I don't really want to participate in society anymore. I'm not actively suicidal, but I don't know if it's worth it to try and change. I feel like no matter what I do or what happens, in the end I'll end up CTB.

Unfortunately there is no such support to be found fr. I feel like a caged animal. I keep reaching for my phone like there's gonna be some contact in there who I can talk to even though I know there isn't one. I want to be "better" (whatever that means) but the path to actually making meaningful life improvements just isn't to be found. Feels bad.

 

[LostHighway]

Dr's visit tomorrow. Considering ECT, the clinic also offers TMS but I just want to feel better now. I hate being depressed. I also have a bad habit of masking in front of my dr. Cracking jokes and smiling when questions get too real. No idea what to bring up. Can't end up in the looney bin, cat needs someone to feed him. Any replies would be appreciated.

Are you able to try Ketamine infusions? They saved my suicidal friend's life. How did your doctor' appointment go?

 

[blepblep]

Are you able to try Ketamine infusions? They saved my suicidal friend's life. How did your doctor' appointment go?

ketamine infusions are only prescribed off-label in my country unfortunately. The doctors appointment went badly, pretended to be fine as usual. another visit soon though. What scares me with ECT is the potential memory loss. I can't lose my mind right now. On the other hand it would be amazing to hopefully just wake up and feel better. Thanks for asking

 

[LostHighway]

ketamine infusions are only prescribed off-label in my country unfortunately. The doctors appointment went badly, pretended to be fine as usual. another visit soon though. What scares me with ECT is the potential memory loss. I can't lose my mind right now. On the other hand it would be amazing to hopefully just wake up and feel better. Thanks for asking

Shoot, I'm sorry you can't get Ketamine infusions. Can you be prescribed Esketamine? Yes, ECT causes memory loss of about 6 months, I think. But it really helped another friend who was deeply depressed. So, you've tried SSRIs? Man, they sure helped me. Have you tried Rhodiola? It boosts dopamine, which helps very much with anhedonia.

Also, there is a phrase that completely changed my life: "We teach people how to treat us." Maya Angelou. Wow, when I took that in, I stopped victimizing myself and then I naturally drew in a higher calibre of smart, engaging, positive, supportive friends. Before, I tried to make friends but they sensed, even on an unconscious level, that I was needy and kind of a downer. After this change, I still have deep insecurities, but I save those thoughts for only my most trusted friends.

I have NO IDEA what's going on with you, but if it has anything to do with interpersonal relationships, there is much, much hope. The reason I want to CTB is SEVERE insomnia that has completely crippled my live. I've been around a long time. It breaks my heart that so many young people are here....

 

[blepblep]

Shoot, I'm sorry you can't get Ketamine infusions. Can you be prescribed Esketamine? Yes, ECT causes memory loss of about 6 months, I think. But it really helped another friend who was deeply depressed. So, you've tried SSRIs? Man, they sure helped me. Have you tried Rhodiola? It boosts dopamine, which helps very much with anhedonia.

Also, there is a phrase that completely changed my life: "We teach people how to treat us." Maya Angelou. Wow, when I took that in, I stopped victimizing myself and then I naturally drew in a higher calibre of smart, engaging, positive, supportive friends. Before, I tried to make friends but they sensed, even on an unconscious level, that I was needy and kind of a downer. After this change, I still have deep insecurities, but I save those thoughts for only my most trusted friends.

I have NO IDEA what's going on with you, but if it has anything to do with interpersonal relationships, there is much, much hope. The reason I want to CTB is SEVERE insomnia that has completely crippled my live. I've been around a long time. It breaks my heart that so many young people are here....

Esketamine is also prescribed off-label. I'm currently on the highest dose of fluoxetine that doesn't do much but the effects of not taking it is worse. Had horrible withdrawal symptoms. My doctor prescribed me wellbutrin just for that reason haha. Hope your insomnia resolves someday. It also breaks my heart seeing so many young people even if I'm one of them. Having a lil crisis over my age but im not even in my 30s yet.
I wish the lack of friends was my issue. :(
Right now I'm panicking over university studies. Im behind in class. At the same time i need to prepare a huge presentation for another course. And also somehow manage to survive the daily life. Been stuck in bed all day, mind racing but didn't even touch the textbook. I have a lot hanging on those courses so it would suck if i fail. Why is it so hard to just go up and do stuff? xD

 

[LostHighway]

Esketamine is also prescribed off-label. I'm currently on the highest dose of fluoxetine that doesn't do much but the effects of not taking it is worse. Had horrible withdrawal symptoms. My doctor prescribed me wellbutrin just for that reason haha. Hope your insomnia resolves someday. It also breaks my heart seeing so many young people even if I'm one of them. Having a lil crisis over my age but im not even in my 30s yet.
I wish the lack of friends was my issue. :(
Right now I'm panicking over university studies. Im behind in class. At the same time i need to prepare a huge presentation for another course. And also somehow manage to survive the daily life. Been stuck in bed all day, mind racing but didn't even touch the textbook. I have a lot hanging on those courses so it would suck if i fail. Why is it so hard to just go up and do stuff? xD

well, good luck with it all! i have nightmares to this day of not finishing homework. hey, i hope your doctor told you how to safely withdraw from your med. they know how to get us on this stuff, but they don't know the first thing about getting us off of it.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Beginning to think about living after all.

I have a lot of regrets behind me but there's really nothing holding me back but my own thoughts. I'm not famous. No one cares about my embarrassments. And even if they did I'd just make new friends. NBD.

Taking baby steps now. This last depression rendered me couchbound, filthy, not eating or exercising. I can't get better all at once. But I can make every day better than the last.

I think I want to work and marry and have children. I don't want to accept failure and extinction. I don't want to hurt my parents. But they sort of kind of deserve it a little. My younger brothers don't. They were born into the same position I was. I can still lead them. It's not too late.

Also, I've suffered so damn much, I might as well benefit from it. Who's gonna learn from my experience but me?