"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[ShadowOfASelf]

I don't know if this is the wrong place to ask for help when you're unsure whether you want to CTB today or delay it. Because that's me. I was actually very seriously about to do it yesterday but I got caught up in my brain overthinking whether to take drugs/alcohol to help make FSH easier and which ones to take, and by then it was 6:30AM and I was really tired and couldn't make decisions and worried it was too late to not be found at some point, so I figured I would do it today.

I woke up today and physically felt pretty bad, after breakfast my stomach hurt and the usual symptoms are back though some of them don't feel as bad as other times, but I know that won't last. And tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment (for my eyes) I really don't want to go to because it requires a lot of engagement on my part (I have to learn how to put on special contact lenses for a rare eye condition I (yay lucky me) have) and I don't think I can do it in my condition right now. I also just don't want to wake up anymore. I have another medical scan on Friday which will probably finally put to rest if there's something physically wrong that they can find in my rectum and I've gone from fighting so hard to get a referral for it to no longer caring because it's been so long and I'm just so tired of getting probed in humiliating ways, going to appointments in the Canadian cold, being in general pain, and having scans turn up nothing and honestly, part of me really wants to CTB so I'll never know. I don't care anymore. I don't want to go to either appointment. The idea of ceasing to exist, of a world without me where people will have to deal with the fallout of how badly I've been treated by the psychiatric and medical communities since this all happened kind of appeals to me, but mostly just the idea of ceasing to be.

And yet... I just keep thinking of my best friend, she's in Australia, and she's basically the only reason I haven't CTB yet, even though I know she'd understand, she already said she's been treating me like I have a terminal illness and can go at any time, but I know she'd also be extremely upset, sad, hurt by it... and also part of me just wonders if I can make it through a few more days, a few more appointments, maybe these muscle relaxants and stuff my GI has been prescribing me to reduce the pain/sensation in my rectum will help and maybe I'll feel okay enough to go to Australia and maybe spending a few months with my best friend in a place that's not cold will help heal me and my body will fix itself. Nobody still knows wtf happened to me. Idk. That's the only thing that's kept me from wanting to do it today. That's it. Otherwise, I'm prepared. I'm ready for the pain, I'm hoping I pass out, but I think I can fight through it until I eventually lose consciousness even if I don't. Though that would suck a lot.

I could really use somebody to talk to about this, just.... anybody. That's the thing that sucks about being suicidal, nobody wants to talk to you about it except to convince you not to do it or give you platitudes about how things will get better or they just call the cops on you or something. It's so lonely. I don't want somebody to talk me out of it or talk me into it, I just want somebody to talk. My DMs are open I guess.

 

[Still.For.A.Minute]

Hi.
I'm not sure whether this belongs here in this thread, but I really have to vent/tell my current situation.

This is so exhausting, living right now. Right here.

After a burnout from 2023, I think I haven't recovered from it. The brain fog, vanished capability to make decisions, overwhelmed by everything, having zero motivation to even go to wash myself, roaming problem-solving to everything that I can or can't solve and having persistent anxiety that I can't control, desperate thoughts, all of it.... is still here. And it's getting worse.

My mind has turned into a black void that I can't escape. I'm having daily suicidal ideations, nothing makes me happy or even okay anymore. My lovely cat doesn't bring me joy, nor my loving husband, who is doing everything that I'd feel better.. Thinking of them makes me just sad and guilty of having them in my life, because if I wouldn't be blessed with them, I'd already be gone.
I made a promise to my husband that I won't ctb and be here. But in my mind have a heavy thought, when my cat have passed, I'll go with her.
She's 9, and has to be medicated two times a day to keep her epileptic seizures in control. The bond I have with her is something else, she's my baby, closest thing from a child, my roommate and soul mate. Just purring unconditionally loving and accepting furball.
I don't know what I'll do after her, we have estimated at least few years together left. I am so scared about the day it happens. I know I haven't gave her everything, I feel so guilty for being unwell that I couldn't do that all she deserves.
But she is keeping me alive, because if I die, it would be so unfair for her. She is the the life I'm keeping alive, when myself is already dead inside.

I am so disappointed that I told anything, because now I've created a cell for myself from freedom of choice of my living, to a promise to not ever ctb. I feel guilty for making a promise like that. But I want to keep it, because I still have the fading spark for getting better. I upped my antidepressant medication on Feb 1st, too. For a few days it brought me some relief, but now I've been like shit again. It's said that the real changes of upping dosage is seen after 12 weeks. I'm not sure what to do if this doesn't work. It stopped my worst meltdowns and I'm a little less reactive, though. That's a plus, those things along depressed state is hard.

As to my husband, he has he's own problems. He is prone to get angry when someone is having negative feelings and it's really an issue, because I am very emotional and expressive/animated person. These times the anger flashes are really getting to me.

Nowadays I just focus on eating something daily, because I know very well that starving is making the coping with my life very hard and it's a circle that goes round and round. ED is a bitch that feeds off me not feeding myself.

I am exhausted and future looks 6ft under if I don't get better soon.