"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[plantbehindme]

um this is in general i feel is super pathetic, but at this point i'm getting desperate to ask online for advice

i have sunk to such a low point i can't even think or do basic things about important things

like, rationally, i can tell myself that if i work on almost anything in my life, i'd increase my chances at less suffering in the future

but emotionally, the impulse to just not do anything and do silly things like read or watch random crap on the internet is really strong

and i think the reason why I've gotten to such a low point

is because almost every time i have to think about the important things in my life, i'm swamped by regret and other bad things but mostly regret, and it's so emotionally strong it's making me have psychosomatic chest pain, or maybe an anxiety attack, i dont even know the proper terms
and that i perceive no emotional reward to even working on these things, it feels like i'll be damned if i do, and damned if i don't, so why not just give up? this i know is wrong, there's degrees of being damned, but i seem to have forgotten how to keep this in mind

I've heard somewhere online that I should give myself some lenience and forgiveness
like, I've starved myself because i wanted to avoid going to the kitchen or the dinner room, because either it meant that i was going to be around my parents, or at risk of being around my parents, or just being reminded of what it's like around my parents
and I've forsaken much sleep for either catching up on work (which was almost a sunk cost fallacy each time) or just to distract myself with just general brainrot
and asking my parents for help regarding this seems impossible, and i can't even properly verbalize why here for now, because... i literally froze up as i was writing this, i can't even conceive of how to start even thinking about that, and i would never have posted this to ask for help, so i'm skipping past this for now

i have a strong preinclination against complaining, asking for help, or even asking basic questions about my situation,
because, i shouldn't complain/ask, because either other people have worse woes, other people will find my complaints annoying, i'll be embarrassed if the solution turns out to be simple or the problem isn't really a problem at all
and i know all of this is just catastrophizing, like, just to attack one of my faulty ideas, so what if people have worse woes, that's not exactly a good logical step because there always exists a person who has it worse, so by induction, all woes except for the very worst ones, don't matter at all, et cetera

i think my best idea to fight against all this so far
is to somehow try and remember that there exists, objectively speaking, other people that have suffered through and have or will have persisted through the same type of problems that present me
write down all my feelings, all my terror, down on a physical piece of paper, just as emotional processing, just reminding myself each step of the way that i really am working towards my goal, because "just do it" doesn't seem like a realistic possibility for me anymore
and maybe complain more? despite my strong bias against doing that?

 

[plantbehindme]

um this is in general i feel is super pathetic, but at this point i'm getting desperate to ask online for advice

i have sunk to such a low point i can't even think or do basic things about important things

like, rationally, i can tell myself that if i work on almost anything in my life, i'd increase my chances at less suffering in the future

but emotionally, the impulse to just not do anything and do silly things like read or watch random crap on the internet is really strong

and i think the reason why I've gotten to such a low point

is because almost every time i have to think about the important things in my life, i'm swamped by regret and other bad things but mostly regret, and it's so emotionally strong it's making me have psychosomatic chest pain, or maybe an anxiety attack, i dont even know the proper terms
and that i perceive no emotional reward to even working on these things, it feels like i'll be damned if i do, and damned if i don't, so why not just give up? this i know is wrong, there's degrees of being damned, but i seem to have forgotten how to keep this in mind

I've heard somewhere online that I should give myself some lenience and forgiveness
like, I've starved myself because i wanted to avoid going to the kitchen or the dinner room, because either it meant that i was going to be around my parents, or at risk of being around my parents, or just being reminded of what it's like around my parents
and I've forsaken much sleep for either catching up on work (which was almost a sunk cost fallacy each time) or just to distract myself with just general brainrot
and asking my parents for help regarding this seems impossible, and i can't even properly verbalize why here for now, because... i literally froze up as i was writing this, i can't even conceive of how to start even thinking about that, and i would never have posted this to ask for help, so i'm skipping past this for now

i have a strong preinclination against complaining, asking for help, or even asking basic questions about my situation,
because, i shouldn't complain/ask, because either other people have worse woes, other people will find my complaints annoying, i'll be embarrassed if the solution turns out to be simple or the problem isn't really a problem at all
and i know all of this is just catastrophizing, like, just to attack one of my faulty ideas, so what if people have worse woes, that's not exactly a good logical step because there always exists a person who has it worse, so by induction, all woes except for the very worst ones, don't matter at all, et cetera

i think my best idea to fight against all this so far
is to somehow try and remember that there exists, objectively speaking, other people that have suffered through and have or will have persisted through the same type of problems that present me
write down all my feelings, all my terror, down on a physical piece of paper, just as emotional processing, just reminding myself each step of the way that i really am working towards my goal, because "just do it" doesn't seem like a realistic possibility for me anymore
and maybe complain more? despite my strong bias against doing that?

and the mood swings are crazy lmao

i just had like basically a 4 hour long time together with a friend and i feel like i can tolerate the world and all my stupid ass mistakes again

 

[Noct]

I just wish I had someone who cared that I'm really suicidal, and gave me support in a way that's actually substantial and not just 5minutes of platitudes, empty promises, or interrogations that leave me feeling worse and more gutted and guarded rather than more willing to share and try and get better.

If someone cared to even check in every once in a while or someone who was genuinely concerned about my current life state and mental state I feel like it would help me get through the really really hard few months I've had that have caused cyclical stress break downs every few odd weeks on and off.

I've tried with friends and professionals in person and yet, nothing has changed other than getting worse or getting flat out ignored. My online friends and I have drifted apart and I'm moving states in a few months. All in all it's a recipe for isolation disaster without me even trying. People are so accustomed to my struggle that they no longer think it's worth of a cursory glance even though I've always tried not to make it anyone's problem or talk about it unless I really needed help.

—————————————————​

Sorry it's very vent like more than support seeking but I guess this is the final place I'm teeing it reach out for a person or something before I just give up. It's not my best ask but I figure if I can talk about it honestly with anyone it's probably on here somewhere.

 

[Tesha]

Well, nice to see some familiar names still here.

I've been in a trauma treatment clinic for a fair few months - out now and thought I'd log in to see how things are on here.

I'll update properly when I get a chance, but just wanted to say 'Hi' and check in…

 

[wantingdignity]

I just wish I had someone who cared that I'm really suicidal, and gave me support in a way that's actually substantial and not just 5minutes of platitudes, empty promises, or interrogations that leave me feeling worse and more gutted and guarded rather than more willing to share and try and get better.

If someone cared to even check in every once in a while or someone who was genuinely concerned about my current life state and mental state I feel like it would help me get through the really really hard few months I've had that have caused cyclical stress break downs every few odd weeks on and off.

I've tried with friends and professionals in person and yet, nothing has changed other than getting worse or getting flat out ignored. My online friends and I have drifted apart and I'm moving states in a few months. All in all it's a recipe for isolation disaster without me even trying. People are so accustomed to my struggle that they no longer think it's worth of a cursory glance even though I've always tried not to make it anyone's problem or talk about it unless I really needed help.

—————————————————​

Sorry it's very vent like more than support seeking but I guess this is the final place I'm teeing it reach out for a person or something before I just give up. It's not my best ask but I figure if I can talk about it honestly with anyone it's probably on here somewhere.

No need to apologize. Your life does matter and has value. It does make sense that you need that kind of external validation now. It's good that you're asking for what you need on here. I hope you can get it in real life too. I feel like I definitely relate to you. People are also used to me feeling suicidal. It's good that they know, but I sometimes wish that they would be shocked and would hug me. I kind of want that TV reaction. I feel like it would be the appropriate response if they knew how close I was to going sometimes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Well, nice to see some familiar names still here.

I've been in a trauma treatment clinic for a fair few months - out now and thought I'd log in to see how things are on here.

I'll update properly when I get a chance, but just wanted to say 'Hi' and check in…

Welcome back!

 

[sadwriter]

Hey guys, I'm back again.

I'm sorry to see that this thread is slowing down.

I may end up having to CTB in the end. Ironically, I'm saying this after making some of the best progress of my life lately, and actually asking a good friend for help and receiving it. But feeling the actual feelings again is making me realize how hard this is and how much I'm hurting. There were adults in my life who abused me when I was young and made me feel like I wasn't a real human being and didn't matter. Now I don't have enough support in my life to get me through recovery. I don't really have a family (it's complicated), just my therapist, a couple of close friends, and a bunch of more distant friends who I don't see too regularly. I've come to realize that maybe I'm not lacking in support because I'm trash, but because that's just how things are. I don't want to die, but if I can't fight anymore, I won't be upset with myself and call myself a failure for it. I think I've gotten to a point where I can die feeling like I confidently know who I am after all and feeling like I'm on my own side, if it comes down to it.

It does suck, though, that I need people after all. I can't really afford it, but maybe in my situation, that's like saying I can't afford to need food and air. I wouldn't be weak for starving or suffocating if I ran out of those.

I hope everyone is getting by and being as kind to themselves as they can be. (I sure as hell know it isn't easy.)

 

[HighFlight]

Hey guys, I'm back again.

While it is always good to hear from an old friend, your presence here makes me a little concerned. I'm sorry for all you've endured in your life.

Your support system doesn't have to be anything elaborate - just your therapist and a few people you can confide in. One thing I've noticed is that, unlike Dear Evan Hansen, you wouldn't automatically be found. To get the support, you need to tell people what you need. It doesn't magically appear. Difficult - absolutely. I still haven't found a way to ask; as I feel like I'm imposing on them, or what if they say no. And even if I did, I'm not sure what I would ask for.

The SadWriter I've come to know over the past years is smart, funny, and genuine. I'd take those qualities in a friend over so many others. And I'm glad you seemed to have found out who you are. I thought I knew, but lost it all - no friends, no supportive family; only a therapist who's pleasant to talk to once a week, but hasn't really changed anything. But my circumstances are a little different - and CTB isn't an option for me at the moment. I'm glad you have both options and some friends.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you still fighting? Compared to last year, it sounds like you have built a foundation upon which to grow. Did something else happen to bring you back?

As always, you know how to reach me if you want to talk. I'm slowly fading away, but am still checking DM's and Discord. Please take care of yourself, and I hope you can find the peace and happiness you truly deserve.

 

[HighFlight]

Well, nice to see some familiar names still here.

I've been in a trauma treatment clinic for a fair few months - out now and thought I'd log in to see how things are on here.

I'll update properly when I get a chance, but just wanted to say 'Hi' and check in…

My apologies... Life has me more than a little distracted these days. Welcome back! I hope all is well. Any insights to share on the clinic?

 

[HighFlight]

I just wish I had someone who cared that I'm really suicidal, and gave me support in a way that's actually substantial and not just 5minutes of platitudes, empty promises, or interrogations that leave me feeling worse and more gutted and guarded rather than more willing to share and try and get better.

If someone cared to even check in every once in a while or someone who was genuinely concerned about my current life state and mental state I feel like it would help me get through the really really hard few months I've had that have caused cyclical stress break downs every few odd weeks on and off.

I've tried with friends and professionals in person and yet, nothing has changed other than getting worse or getting flat out ignored. My online friends and I have drifted apart and I'm moving states in a few months. All in all it's a recipe for isolation disaster without me even trying. People are so accustomed to my struggle that they no longer think it's worth of a cursory glance even though I've always tried not to make it anyone's problem or talk about it unless I really needed help.

—————————————————​

Sorry it's very vent like more than support seeking but I guess this is the final place I'm teeing it reach out for a person or something before I just give up. It's not my best ask but I figure if I can talk about it honestly with anyone it's probably on here somewhere.

@Noct - I'm checking in to see how you are doing. Hopefully things have improved a little over the past month.

And thank you, @wantingdignity, for taking the time to respond to Noct. I hope they say your respond; it was nicely written!

 

[Noct]

I sometimes wish that they would be shocked and would hug me. I kind of want that TV reaction. I feel like it would be the appropriate response if they knew how close I was to going sometimes.

I relate to that really strongly. I wish I could get stronger more dramatic response that would let me really feel seen. Sadly if you're open about your mental health people get to used to thinking you are 'fine enough' if you aren't actively hospitalized or dealing with more physically obvious effects.

No need to apologize. Your life does matter and has value. It does make sense that you need that kind of external validation now. It's good that you're asking for what you need on here. I hope you can get it in real life too.

Thanks for caring and it's nice to find someone who relates. I always feel very obnoxious and/or attention seeking to talk about craving more dramatic responses or more care or concern. So it's very validating to not be judged by people on here.

I hope you can get a hug and external validation like your hoping for too man

@Noct - I'm checking in to see how you are doing. Hopefully things have improved a little over the past month.

Thanks for checking in In some ways things are a little better, I got my meds adjusted and I think it's helping some. On the other hand I've lost more of my small support system so I have even less people who care about me at all in my corner. My chances of someone caring enough to checking and see me for how bad it is right now decreased significantly.

I still haven't found a way to ask; as I feel like I'm imposing on them, or what if they say no. And even if I did, I'm not sure what I would ask for.

I agree that this is one of the hardest parts. At the lowest it's hard to even identify what would fix anything. Especially something that is realistic to ask of someone to do.

——————

I'm really sorry to hear about how rough things are for you as well (even though I know you were responding to someone else here).

If you want more people online to try and fill your support system, I'm happy to talk. You really kindly checked in for me where no one else I know has, even people I've talked to for years. You seem like a genuine and thoughtful person and I'd love to help or return the favor if I can.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I don't have the energy to rant so I'll just say it bluntly. Discord helped me get into psych ward, and I don't use it anymore as it triggers me hard. Just made a friend wanting to chat on Discord. The mere MENTION of that made me instantly go into an anxiety attack. I feel nauseous and I just hate myself for feeling like that. Discord won't even accept me back cause my phone number doesn't work for some reason. I don't care...I just wish I never ever used Discord. I wish it never existed.

Sorry for the bluntness I'm trying my best to actually type without spiraling even further down this crap.

 

[lita-lassi]

it has been long time hello to new and old faces, im sorry i didn't catch up but i really do love and wish you all the best in life

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

@sadwriter im sorry to see you back and feeling crappy

@HighFlight thank you for keeping it going

@Praestat_Mori good to see you again

same goes to everyone im sorry im just making a very quick drive by posting, please have as great a week as possible

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

it has been long time hello to new and old faces, im sorry i didn't catch up but i really do love and wish you all the best in life

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

@sadwriter im sorry to see you back and feeling crappy

@HighFlight thank you for keeping it going

@Praestat_Mori good to see you again

same goes to everyone im sorry im just making a very quick drive by posting, please have as great a week as possible

I'm recent here, but rest assured, I wish nothing but the best for you. Mama bear's big heart always has room for another cub, honey. I'm sorry things haven't been the greatest with you, but I'm glad you're back here and still fighting for it. Keep at it, dear, and soon things may change for the better. *hugs*

 

[Praestat_Mori]

it has been long time hello to new and old faces, im sorry i didn't catch up but i really do love and wish you all the best in life

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

@sadwriter im sorry to see you back and feeling crappy

@HighFlight thank you for keeping it going

@Praestat_Mori good to see you again

same goes to everyone im sorry im just making a very quick drive by posting, please have as great a week as possible

Thank you!

Nice to see you!

All the best to you, too!

 

[HighFlight]

im doing school stuff, still dealing heavily with executive disfunction and ideation continuously, still a sad lump not doing what i should like 95% of the time

Welcome back! I've missed your colorful post, and would be interested to hear more about your school stuff. As always, give yourself a break - you're getting stuff done 5% of the time. Maybe set a goal for next week to increase that to 6%.

I'm recent here, but rest assured, I wish nothing but the best for you.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to find the time to give you a proper welcome to the thread. We're glad you decided to give life a chance, even as those damn social apps seem to make things so difficult at times. If you need anything, even just someone to vent to, don't hesitate to let me know.

I can't say I have much of an update from my end - the hamster wheel of life continues. My ADHD brain has latched on to the music theory of one artist, and I think my family groans every time I mention his names. So still lacking anyone to have deep conversations with on such topics. But my immediate family need me and I'm committed to see them through their current issues. I'll continue living for others.

I wish all who read this a little peace in their lives - regardless of the path that you are on.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

My ADHD brain has latched on to the music theory of one artist, and I think my family groans every time I mention his names. So still lacking anyone to have deep conversations with on such topics.

Hmm, can't say I'm too well versed on that specific topic, but I'm open to anything and if you need someone to listen and offer kind words, there are an abundance of those in this little shriveled heart of mine. Mama bear is always willing to comfort.

 

[HighFlight]

Wow, this thread has gone almost 2 weeks without any posts.

@Unbearable Mr. Bear , thank you. I've become accustomed to living inside my head - a cell and cannot escape. While it would be nice to deep conversations with people, it feels like I'm too old to have any of it make any difference. If I can help someone else, I'm happy to. But otherwise, I'm just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

But checking in to see how everyone is doing - @Noct, @lita-lassi, @Unbearable Mr. Bear, @wantingdignity, @Praestat_Mori, @sadwriter, @Tesha, @plantbehindme, @Adûnâi

Peace.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

But checking in to see how everyone is doing - @Noct, @lita-lassi, @Unbearable Mr. Bear, @wantingdignity, @Praestat_Mori, @sadwriter, @Tesha, @plantbehindme, @Adûnâi

There's not much happening here. Every day is almost the same - there's some excitement to possible changes but it's unlikely this gonna be permanent. Most of the days are as usual - rotting at home. However, I'm still much less suicidal than I was 2 years ago bc the situation has calmed down for now.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Wow, this thread has gone almost 2 weeks without any posts.

@Unbearable Mr. Bear , thank you. I've become accustomed to living inside my head - a cell and cannot escape. While it would be nice to deep conversations with people, it feels like I'm too old to have any of it make any difference. If I can help someone else, I'm happy to. But otherwise, I'm just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

But checking in to see how everyone is doing - @Noct, @lita-lassi, @Unbearable Mr. Bear, @wantingdignity, @Praestat_Mori, @sadwriter, @Tesha, @plantbehindme, @Adûnâi

Peace.

Oh, honey pot, don't worry. I'm here for you and for anybody else. It doesn't need to be deep, it could be literally meaningless, but as long as love and care is put into it, it's worth the effort. *smile and blush*

 

[Bismillah6925]

Hello,

So this is my first post. It's been a horrible week. I work a crap job and my landlord emailed us saying they're coming to look at our apartments. My job takes all my energy, so cleaning is laughable.

Most of my day is either being criticized by my boss for not doing enough while simultaneously being given more by clients and by our back office while also dealing with multiple tech issues. I keep wishing for my death sooner than later. And I can't quit, since my job pays well. My family doesn't reach out and my friends don't care.

I told my boss I wanted to leave back in April and was forced to do 6 months. Which is okay, I guess. But each day is struggle.

I did an hour of cleaning and my place is a mess, but it's the first time I've seen carpet in my living room in years, so yay?

 

[lita-lassi]

Wow, this thread has gone almost 2 weeks without any posts.

But checking in to see how everyone is doing -

sorry for not being on more, i do miss it here. i have started refresher courses for math and science before applying to actual college to help make sure i can test into credit courses. i got 98- something % for a biology semester and 100% for the whole first semester of chemistry, currently doing chem. sem.2 and geometry. they're short and quick and lack a lot of material i know ill need to be proficient with in real school but it made me feel better to see 100% for a whole semester of anything.

other than that, life plods on and i feel perpetually stagnant even with school stuff in my face. its hard to shake off feelings that have lasted decades i guess :/

hope everyone has as an amazing weekend as possible

I did an hour of cleaning and my place is a mess, but it's the first time I've seen carpet in my living room in years, so yay?

an hour is still an hour you spent on it, progress comes in discrete packets of energy

 

[Adûnâi]

But checking in to see how everyone is doing - @Noct, @lita-lassi, @Unbearable Mr. Bear, @wantingdignity, @Praestat_Mori, @sadwriter, @Tesha, @plantbehindme, @Adûnâi
Peace.

Oh, thanks! My mood swung back up on May 23 (the anniversary of Germany's fall, as I joked), so I've been thinking of sex much, much less, for whatever reason. I have been gooning to DeepSeek AI, but also played HotS and WoW Ascension, and my friend has just turned up alive, AND the cool news from the Middle East (popcorn, yay). I have lost the hope of that future gf of mine, BUT instead I got the secret of the runes, and June 11 I spent 12 hours (yes, twelve hours) archiving the Russian cult's videos on magic because I had procrastinated for a month, and was short of time.

Imagine my shock when I realised the addon that had always been broken randomly started working! The one to download videos from Boosty. And so while it took me 12 hours, it was still highly efficient. Insane day. I guess, I did some magic lmao (to be fair, I was prepared to use the voice recorded to record it manually, I'm vicious during hyperfocus, and June is the month of crunch-time, right?).

One arguably amusing event about WoW Ascension (the temporary PTR server) is that I agreed to join a guild MELEE CHADS ONLY (considering I had only ever played spellcasters before) by a person with a nickname reminiscent of the pseudo-dead JP girl, so that was a little amusing adventure (I hated it but whatever lmao).

I've been mostly watching Mewnfare and Fan Heroes of the Storms streams, and checking out the talents. Just now I have a single day to get my unowned heroes to lvl 5 because they're all free (yes, I've been procrastinating again, but I'm close).

I've also discovered the songs of Chabad Niggunim, apparently Jewish mystic music, it sounds really pleasant, surprisingly so. Also Sohodolls is nice. And Itoki Hana. Just today I've uploaded them to my account, yay! I also stitched together the 37 pieces of the "Chabad Centennial Symphony" into a single file.

 

[DavidGoliath]

I felt very useful at work today! Which was a lovely feeling, as I'm a very junior member of the team, and I often feel as if I still need to "earn" the right to be useful

But then tonight my friend texted me out of the blue, drunk as fuck, saying that they used to have a massive crush on me until recently, and due to their trauma around alcoholism and the fact that I've started drinking again they don't want to be around me. Which felt rich, given that they were sloppy drunk yesterday, and sloppy drunk today, and sloppy drunk two days before that. I am NOT an angel - I'm a self righteous, bitter, lonely person, but in this moment, at least, I felt like I was justifiably hurt and angry. Not least because this friend hasn't ever seen me at my worst - pleas don't get me wrong, this is 1 month into a relapse after 2 years of sobriety and it IS a relapse!!! I'm probably fucked!!! But it's a drinking a six pack every 3 days kind of relapse and still hitting the pillow coherent - not the drinking a six pack before work in the morning and a handle at night every night like I used to be.

ANYWAY. I hit the pillow self harm free tonight and I'm going to bed cuddling my soft toy monkey after I posted this. In that moment I wanted to do something that would see me in hospital tomorrow and wearing long sleeves for the next few months. I wanted to hop on that same old worn out, annoying conveyor. But I didn't. and I'm fucking proud of myself for that.

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @DavidGoliath,

Welcome to the Recovery Support Thread! It's nice to see a first post that starts with some good new. I'd glad that felt useful at work. Know that they want you there, even if it's for your potential. Regardless, don't feel that you have to "earn" the right to be useful; just be useful.

The drinking is a little tougher... But give yourself credit, you made it 2 years. That says it possible. We all have setbacks, and at least you're will to work at it. That said, don't underestimate the 6-pack every 3 days. This could be the start of a slow slide. Just be alert, and get help as needed. Friendship through alcoholism is tough, so I would focus on yourself first.

And I'm really glad you didn't take the darker route as a result of all of this. Know that you are welcome to dm me if you want to talk more directly.

As always, regardless of your chosen path, I hope you can find some peace along the way.

 

[Mauri]

Not done this before, but I want to try, instead of feeling as if im screaming into the void or at the walls of my flat

For.. God the better part of what feels like 15 years (since I was a teenager, 31 now) I've often felt trapped by my own mental health, often with its highest of highs and lowest of lows.

For many years I've been on and off.. self harming in one way or another, im glad to say from the period of April 2015 to March 2025 I'd happily never done anything even classed along the lines of.. that.

I want to do so many things to improve my own life, make new friends, get a job (not worked in 10 years due to declining physical and mental health and finding it impossible to really feel as if I fit in anywhere, mental health and physical health being on a constant yoyo make getting out of bed simply a hard task day to day, looking after myself, finding joy in things... my mood can change from instant to instant, more so over this last weekend 27/6/25, being very interested in CTB, and then... feeling fine and regretting even looking anything up/how to do X thing so to say to be able to have some success with it.

I wish I knew what was wrong so I knew how to teach myself how to cope, currently awaiting a adhd/autism assessment but waiting for such things in the UK takes forever and I really have NO idea how it works.. and then I even doubt if that's what's wrong with me, wonder if im bipolar.. or just, and it might sound daft, that I think maybe im just an horrible person and act like certain ways for the "fun of it"

Ugh.. nervous to post this but if anyone replies or has advice, id appreciate it and will happily support others too, with a friendly reminders to drink water (have you drank enough today?) And checking in with other users

Thanks for reading, sorry if its long winded and jumbled up, I am quite nervous or anxious would be the right word xD...

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @Mauri,

Welcome to a safe space (relatively). I'm sorry you're having to go through so much, and it was brave of you to share as much as you did - thank you. Much of what you said ring true for myself - "I wish I knew what was wrong", "nervous to post", "mood can change in an instant", "finding joy", etc.

I've spent a lifetime trapped inside my own head. Until about 7 years ago, I was able to pretend everything was ok, that I was "normal", with a happy little family, a wife, some kids, a couple pets, etc. I hid all of my thoughts and feelings that didn't conform to this perfect life and buried them deep.

A traumatic event occurred and everything has been collapsing around me. I've tried several different anti-depressants to no avail. Finally, started therapy (mixed results), and been diagnosed ADHD, GAD/SAD, Depression. New meds help with the ADHD, and the family needs me - so I keep waking up each day.

People act certain ways for a variety of reasons. Mostly because of their own life's circumstances. Seldom because they are a horrible person.

I think you're on the right track - get professional help, looking for friends, reaching out. The one thing I would add is to be kind to yourself. I've been on this site for 2 years now, and it still surprises me the kindness that people can show to others, but not to themselves. You been through a lot - 15 or so years dealing with it - you deserve to give yourself a little space, and some grace.

Wishing you much peace. And if you'd feel more comfortable talking directly, just reply to this post and I'll send you a dm. (Keep posting to get your post count up, and you'll be able to dm anyone on your own.).



P.S. I said "relatively" safe space at the beginning because this is the internet, and this site is mostly open to the public. So just use some common sense in what you post.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Ugh.. nervous to post this but if anyone replies or has advice, id appreciate it and will happily support others too, with a friendly reminders to drink water (have you drank enough today?) And checking in with other users

Welcome @Mauri

You don't have to be nervous here.

 

[Adûnâi]

Yesterday, my Middle Eastern friend has brutally forced me to use my voice to talk in a Discord chat. I spent like 2 hours refusing, but then I got sleepy and someone joined and triggered my wrath by claiming Interstellar a great movie, so I had to lash out. Huge successo. See, I need _great emotion_ to talk.

Bonus points, I was called a "she" uwu EYE PASS (voice-wise)

See, curiously enough, my mental state is so different from week to week, and it's not even linear, it's not "feeling up or down", it's tangential and more complex.

I also sent a birthday message to my crush whom I hadn't seen in a decade, which MIGHT constitute a harassment, but it's probably fine once every two years. (Also, it might be prudent in case we achieve indefinite lifespans and never die - any memories from the 21st century might prove worthwhile due to the duckling effect.)

I have also gone back to the stationary bicycle machine. And while my mom is gonna arrive later this July (bringing me more food), over the past 2 weeks (after I had run out first of chocolate, then of cookies), I SEEM to have lost 2-3 kg of bodyweight. I still need around 11. So maybe my holodomor diet is actually finally being effective? Because the scales I'm using seem really buggy, but this is looking legit. (My body isn't that deformed due to fatness, so I never considered myself fat, also I'm not using belts by virtue of not going outside, so I literally only started measuring myself spring 2025, hence the sudden shift of my attention.)

The greatest issue would be planning a starvation schedule with my mom LMAO It's like explaining my debauched fantasies to an AI, ruins the suspense. "Cook me less food".

I'm yet to open the canned pineapples my mom left me. Or pickles. Imagine the possibilities.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Middle Eastern friend has brutally forced me to use my voice

You should have brutally forced him to stop doing that (By muting his ass off if necessary).

Anyway, hope you're doing better, friend.