I wish I had the guts to kill myself in a violent, painful way

[kunikuzushi]

I wish I had the guts to kill myself in a violent, painful way. I keep imagining myself dying somewhat peacefully and I absolutely hate it. I had SN a few years ago, and I kept practicing what I would do and something just felt wrong about lying there and waiting for death. I hate it I hate it. I wish I had the strength to stab myself over and over, slash across all my organs, and bleed out in the worst pain possible. Because at least I could remind myself of all the pain I've gone through in my life, and I wouldn't regret dying. I would feel good to finally let the pain end. But that's definitely not reasonable or possible for me. I'm now looking into inert gas methods, which also doesn't seem right for me.

 

[UKscotty]

The body will resist painful methods though.

After a few stab wounds at most you won't be able to do more.

I have no idea how the Japanese found the strength to cut themselves open.

 

[kunikuzushi]

The body will resist painful methods though.

After a few stab wounds at most you won't be able to do more.

I have no idea how the Japanese found the strength to cut themselves open.

Yes, I know it's unreasonable and I won't try it. It really scares me to die in a somewhat peaceful way though. And I've been trying to trick myself into thinking a peaceful death is ok for about 6 years. I'm weak