This is a vent i guess, sorry, I just really wanted to.
I feel like ive been out of control the past week. I turned 18 last weekend. No way that actually happened. Since then ive done... nothing? Ive spent everyday this week just sleeping or not sleeping, gaming, on my phone, thinking, researching methods, (being on grindr too kill me). Its my friends bday tomorrow. I feel so guilty but I can't make myself go, its so far. I have a competition before it. Im back to school Monday. I have to pay my friend money for a holiday I dont wanna go on because I cant stand it at all. Ive barely texted a soul all week even my friends. Ive been staying up til 5am... literally just because. My parents give out ive done nothing all week. The leaving cert is in a few months and I have too many things to apply for. I hate myself so much I keeo doing risky things, throwing myself down skateboard ramps, giving my body to random old men and I dont even know why, I hate it, I hate myself. And I look ugly as hell, I cant look at my face in the mirror. Ive been getting memory loss the past few months too and idk why, its like im not alive. Ssris make me numb and (the least of my problems lol) I cant feel anything freaky lol.
I just want to maybe walk in front of a bus tomorrow. I inhaled a balloon of helium just for vibes and I didnt even feel a single thing
. I swallowed extra ssris on my birthday but I just woke up sick af. I hate it so so much. I wish I could have a method that didnt look like I attempted because I cant break my family's hearts. Or really anything thatd just put me asleep for an age so I dont have to think...
Thanks for reading guys. Youre worth it :)
I feel like ive been out of control the past week. I turned 18 last weekend. No way that actually happened. Since then ive done... nothing? Ive spent everyday this week just sleeping or not sleeping, gaming, on my phone, thinking, researching methods, (being on grindr too kill me). Its my friends bday tomorrow. I feel so guilty but I can't make myself go, its so far. I have a competition before it. Im back to school Monday. I have to pay my friend money for a holiday I dont wanna go on because I cant stand it at all. Ive barely texted a soul all week even my friends. Ive been staying up til 5am... literally just because. My parents give out ive done nothing all week. The leaving cert is in a few months and I have too many things to apply for. I hate myself so much I keeo doing risky things, throwing myself down skateboard ramps, giving my body to random old men and I dont even know why, I hate it, I hate myself. And I look ugly as hell, I cant look at my face in the mirror. Ive been getting memory loss the past few months too and idk why, its like im not alive. Ssris make me numb and (the least of my problems lol) I cant feel anything freaky lol.
I just want to maybe walk in front of a bus tomorrow. I inhaled a balloon of helium just for vibes and I didnt even feel a single thing
. I swallowed extra ssris on my birthday but I just woke up sick af. I hate it so so much. I wish I could have a method that didnt look like I attempted because I cant break my family's hearts. Or really anything thatd just put me asleep for an age so I dont have to think...Thanks for reading guys. Youre worth it :)
