Venting I will have to die alone

[eternalexhaustion]

I wasn't sure what SI was going to feel like, thought for sure I was indifferent or too far gone, but after all that effort and anticipation and nervousness collecting SN, I managed to mess up my ctb attempt by wasting half the SN because I chickened out at the last part where all I had to do was just drink the damn thing. The salty smell and fear of vomiting and all the dumb ass excuses I made, which I know probably isn't that bad. But most of all, It hit me so hard how alone and scared I felt, and I couldn't stop crying. Cried for so long that my head hurt so much and I fell asleep from exhaustion. I felt frustrated at myself, because I know this is the right choice for me and I don't know why I couldn't just get over it. It felt like it was my only chance and things were aligning so well with me being able to get the package without issues. I felt like if I had just one person to help me get through it or something I would've been able to, and now I missed my chance. I don't have friends, and certainly none that wouldn't judge me for the choice I want to make. Tossed the drinks and saved the rest in a ziploc bag, but it's probably going to waste as I type this. There's enough for one more attempt only so have to be sure 100% when I want to do it. Now with the SN crackdowns I keep getting upset that I just couldn't get through with it, since I managed to get so far with receiving the package and getting the method ready. I know for certain I can't trust anyone to find a partner or have a ctb meetup or whatever, because the world is a cruel and dark place and that's definitely how you end up getting graped by some sick demented perverts hunting on prey like me. Like in my imagination/daydreams, there would be a ctb hangout where I would relax with a good friend(s) of mine that I've known for a long time, and we would both feel the same way about ctb, but I know that's not possible. Can anyone relate to knowing you can't keep living anymore, but just feeling so scared and alone to do it, but at the same time not trusting anyone online for obvious safety reasons? Lol I bet this is a super common feeling, but idk how to accept it and come to terms that I just have to die alone and scared. Feel like this is going to prolong ctb or maybe even prevent me from doing it all together.

 

[technicallyAlive]

I get that as well. I'm so scared of knowing that one day when I die, it'll be self inflected and I'll be all alone when it happens. Honestly I thought of asking for ctb partners on here before even with knowing that I'd be putting myself in danger. mostly because I feel 'fake' most times, if that makes sense, I thought that even if I were in danger that i probably wouldn't mind, as long as they were with me when I died just so I didn't have to go alone.

 

[eternalexhaustion]

yeah exactly, I feel like I'm not really serious about ctb if I'm too scared to do it on will power alone by myself. I admire the people that do it and wish I had that resolve. Thought about finding a partner but it's starting to feel gimmicky. On top of the risks of an in person meeting, I get that sense that just like me, many people looking for partners are also looking for someone else to get them over the finish line to take the pressure off, like we're all faking it somehow and just not serious enough about ctb. Somehow the timer part with meto also gets me because by the end of the 40 minutes I'm too scared to do it. Maybe I just need something that takes less time or is harder to back out of once you're in it. Damn I hope my fears don't make me live this pathetic existence longer than I have to.

I get that as well. I'm so scared of knowing that one day when I die, it'll be self inflected and I'll be all alone when it happens. Honestly I thought of asking for ctb partners on here before even with knowing that I'd be putting myself in danger. mostly because I feel 'fake' most times, if that makes sense, I thought that even if I were in danger that i probably wouldn't mind, as long as they were with me when I died just so I didn't have to go alone.