Venting I was not supposed to be here on SS

[Xta4Love]

I was not supposed to be here.
I told my psychologist i won't
I told my therapist I won't

Thurday I sat on my therapist couch. I said I cannot stop thinking about suicide. I cannot stop thinking about my funeral. I cannot stop researching methods. I dont want therapy anymore. I have given up. I do therapy to pacify my family and friends.

We did a roleplay where my therapist pretended to be me. What advice I would give myself. I had no advice. I just stood there, awkwardly laughing it off.

So the advice was no more suicide topics online or in music or in films.

But today my dear mother told me she lost the two boxes from my deceased father. And the few items of my father I kept should be shared with my sister since she lost all the other stuff.

My mom tends to lose things. I gave her my savings in cash. When I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and lost my house. Guess what, she lost it.
And now my father's stuff. Lost it.

It should not surprise me. But it did. I cant even be mad. Im just sad.

When she left I wandered through town. I bought two packs of cigarettes and three bottles of liquor.

And now Im back here. What's up?

 

[MBiopic]

Hi! Mentally joining you for your drink and a smoke, so that you're not alone right now. :)
I completely get what you feel. These thoughts are difficult. You tell everyone you won't even think about it - and then you keep thinking about it. Am I getting this right?
Do you feel guilty about the whole situation? What are you feelings about this in general? It doesn't have to be any kind of specific emotion.

If the only answer you can give me is "sad" - that's completely okay. And most important of all - that's valid. I am not here to judge you, but just to have chat. Hope you don't mind my company.

 

[Xta4Love]

Hi! Mentally joining you for your drink and a smoke, so that you're not alone right now. :)
I completely get what you feel. These thoughts are difficult. You tell everyone you won't even think about it - and then you keep thinking about it. Am I getting this right?
Do you feel guilty about the whole situation? What are you feelings about this in general? It doesn't have to be any kind of specific emotion.

If the only answer you can give me is "sad" - that's completely okay. And most important of all - that's valid. I am not here to judge you, but just to have chat. Hope you don't mind my company.

Thank you for joining me. It feels comforting.

Im just feeling rage against myself. Because I cannot help but react self destructive. And I am frustrated towards the proffesionals who tell me to endure and not act on these urges

And I feel really really sad. If my mum knew her visit led to drinking, smoking and suicide thoughts...it would tear her up and she would feel very guilty.

Im hurting myself and im hurting the people who care about me. And that is so sad

 

[MBiopic]

Thank you for joining me. It feels comforting.

Im just feeling rage against myself. Because I cannot help but react self destructive. And I am frustrated towards the proffesionals who tell me to endure and not act on these urges

And I feel really really sad. If my mum knew her visit led to drinking, smoking and suicide thoughts...it would tear her up and she would feel very guilty.

Im hurting myself and im hurting the people who care about me. And that is so sad

Again, I understand and relate to that so well. The fear of telling people you're close with because you might end up feeling guilty, and they might feel guilty as well.

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a difficult position. If there's anything I, a stranger on the internet, can say or do to make you feel at least a bit more at peace - don't hesitate to ask. I offer you my sympathies. I mentally raise my glass with liquor and toast to you, and your path, fellow dreamer! We will be okay, no matter what ends up happening.

 

[Xta4Love]

Again, I understand and relate to that so well. The fear of telling people you're close with because you might end up feeling guilty, and they might feel guilty as well.

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a difficult position. If there's anything I, a stranger on the internet, can say or do to make you feel at least a bit more at peace - don't hesitate to ask. I offer you my sympathies. I mentally raise my glass with liquor and toast to you, and your path, fellow dreamer! We will be okay, no matter what ends up happening.

Cheers to that, my dear stranger and fellow dreamer!