attackingvertical
Member
- Oct 20, 2025
- 34
Im shaking. Ive been on and off depressed since August, and the past couple weeks ive been spiralling. Something happened recently that I posted about earlier that sent me off the deep end. What really solidified my decision was my friend's reactions. They were supportive at first. Then one stopped responding and the other, my "best friend" has barely been supportive. She says she isnt trying to blame me, but she keeps asking why I wasnt clearer and excusing it. I was there for her through her breakup. I listened and talked to her and cared. The first three months after, when we first moved together, I was the one doing all tbe chores and shit around the apartment and still being there for her. She promised over and over she was looking for therapy but didnt start till last month. I did feel resentful at the time, and I didnt communicate well, but I apologized and we worked through it. I dont understand why shes being so cold to me. If I cant trust her after all these years, or the guy who told me he loved me, who can I?
There is my mom. I know this will devestate my parents, but I cant wait anymore. They dont understand. No one does. They dont have these thoughts constantly bouncing in their heads. Ive made plans before but theyve always been more of a just in case. Not solid. I still had a desire to go on. Part of me still does, but I dont think people like me are capable of living properly.
I have two options. I have leftover hydroxyzine from an er visit, or I could try benzocaine as has been discussed here before. The former carries more risk- pills aren't recommended due to them typically not working and having bad after effects. I think if I take enough though, and drink lots of my vodka or everclear, then that would do it. The latter would be harder but possibly less risky. Id either need to doordash benzocaine in its liquid form from a pharmacy or order the powder on amazon and wait 1-3 days at least. I could also use my alcohol in this scenario. I need to doordash antiemetics anyways if thats possible.
I want to do SN or KN, but there isn't time. I'm supposed to move back with my parents in two weeks so id have to do it before then. I'm too much of a coward to use a gun or hanging or jump. I did write down something for ligature strangulation but i think id be too scared. Im still scared. I need to throw out all my journals and ill probably delete this app/my browser history before so no one finds this place. I just really needed to talk to someone who'd understand me. Im so scared. I dont wanna be a vegetable or something.
There is my mom. I know this will devestate my parents, but I cant wait anymore. They dont understand. No one does. They dont have these thoughts constantly bouncing in their heads. Ive made plans before but theyve always been more of a just in case. Not solid. I still had a desire to go on. Part of me still does, but I dont think people like me are capable of living properly.
I have two options. I have leftover hydroxyzine from an er visit, or I could try benzocaine as has been discussed here before. The former carries more risk- pills aren't recommended due to them typically not working and having bad after effects. I think if I take enough though, and drink lots of my vodka or everclear, then that would do it. The latter would be harder but possibly less risky. Id either need to doordash benzocaine in its liquid form from a pharmacy or order the powder on amazon and wait 1-3 days at least. I could also use my alcohol in this scenario. I need to doordash antiemetics anyways if thats possible.
I want to do SN or KN, but there isn't time. I'm supposed to move back with my parents in two weeks so id have to do it before then. I'm too much of a coward to use a gun or hanging or jump. I did write down something for ligature strangulation but i think id be too scared. Im still scared. I need to throw out all my journals and ill probably delete this app/my browser history before so no one finds this place. I just really needed to talk to someone who'd understand me. Im so scared. I dont wanna be a vegetable or something.
