Venting I want to live but I don’t want to be alive

[lonergirl_26]

I want to live.
Friendships, love, heartbreak, sex (even though the very thought of it makes me cringe but I feel like I'm missing out on something), concerts, holidays, jobs, being able to eat without having a breakdown, party's where there is way to many people it's hard to breath and the music is so shit but it's okay because you can't hear it anyway. A house, a car, so many animals it's hard to remember all their names. Once again friends, love and heartbreak.
I want to have experience things that normal people do. I will never get to but it's fun/depressing to think about. Even if I had the perfect life there I think there would still be this feeling inside of me. The feeling that there is something very very wrong with me. Death is my friend not my enemy.

 

[beeptad]

I get that feeling. Even when everything is `fine`, when around friends, when out having fun, it's still there in the background. Sometimes I imagine what a life would be like where I got everything I wanted and I just realize I would still feel the same.

 

[monstercatering]

Heavily agree. I like the idea of living. I would love to live the idealized life I have in my head. The reality of living is too much for me to continue. I have a weak character, and can't get rid of this feeling like I'm destined for everything to go wrong. I keep on going in cycles of doing okay and falling back to rock bottom.