Help I want to kill myself but I lowkey worked too hard to even do it so what do I do now?

[bloodandshavedhead]

I want to kill myself but I realised that I grown too many emotional attachments over the past 18 years of my life. I'm a high achiever in school, I'm not sure what to do. I'm just kinda in this awkward place where if I do kill myself then it's like "What did I earn all of these awards for?" And if I don't kill myself it's like "Well fuck!- I want to kill myself" I don't know what's wrong with me, I was just so eager yesterday to try and slit my wrist but I was too stupid to even find the veins to kill myself. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this to be honest if so I need advice because I have no idea what to do.

 

[persepexa]

Slitting your wrists is a terrible idea. Firstly the way it's portrayed in media is not accurate. You want one specific vein if you're going to do it properly and you'll have to dig around a bit to find it. It's really not as easy as people think.

Also I don't want to pry but if you have so many emotional attachments and achievements that you're obviously proud of, why do you want to CTB? Sorry if this is really nosey and intrusive I'm just a bit confused.

 

[bloodandshavedhead]

Slitting your wrists is a terrible idea. Firstly the way it's portrayed in media is not accurate. You want one specific vein if you're going to do it properly and you'll have to dig around a bit to find it. It's really not as easy as people think.

Also I don't want to pry but if you have so many emotional attachments and achievements that you're obviously proud of, why do you want to CTB? Sorry if this is really nosey and intrusive I'm just a bit confused. But I don't even know what to do since I was planning to kill myself before I was 18.

I want to kill myself due to depression, you're not being noisy btw I'm glad that you asked. I suffer from social anxiety and just from family problems/ my teachers think I'm a great student but I'm not. I'm a pathetic female who can barely uphold her own weight. And also btw thanks for the header dude for trying to slit my wrist. Yes I have achievements but at the end of the day what's the point if I still feel shitty. The dopamine from me being a top student goes away.

 

[persepexa]

I want to kill myself due to depression, you're not being noisy btw I'm glad that you asked. I suffer from social anxiety and just from family problems/ my teachers think I'm a great student but I'm not. I'm a pathetic female who can barely uphold her own weight. And also btw thanks for the header dude for trying to slit my wrist. Yes I have achievements but at the end of the day what's the point if I still feel shitty. The dopamine from me being a top student goes away.

I can really relate to that. I was really depressed as a teenager due to bullying and family factors. Social anxiety was crippling. I could go days without speaking to a single soul at school. Sometimes if someone spoke to me I'd just become a shivering mess and wouldn't be able to string a sentence together. It's awful. I was also a very good student and got really good grades. Tbh I didn't feel any dopamine from it because it was kind of expected of me. Like if I didn't get good grades there was something wrong and I felt like if I didn't get good grades I wasn't worth anything. I don't want to tell you things get better because my life is infinitely worse now, but when I started college I met a group of people who became true friends (for a while) and it really gave my confidence a boost. There's a whole world outside of school. School feels like it's the entire world but it really isn't. I don't want to tell you what to do or anything but I just wanted to share my experience and maybe something I wish someone had told me.

 

[bloodandshavedhead]

Thank you it makes me feel a little bit better about my weird fucking awkward position

 

[persepexa]

Thank you it makes me feel a little bit better about my weird fucking awkward position

I don't mean to diminish your feelings, they're important. I really hope things get better for you.

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

Hey I feel kind of the same right now. A little older than you (25) but this feeling still hits all the same. Honestly, you seem like an ambitious person and are just dealing with some momentary stress from things like school, family, expectations, etc. I'm not saying your desire to CTB is invalid, trust me I get it, but I just think maybe re-evaluating your situation may be best before going through with anything final. Maybe you're just burnt out and tired after years of chasing achievements that don't mean anything to you. This is how I felt towards the end of my high school years. Things just felt so pointless. Even though I wasn't a high achiever in school, the pressure to constantly perform well had stuck with me.

Maybe before doing anything with suicide, at least think about what kind of achievements you would like to actually earn in your life. Not school related, but anything you're truly passionate about. If you can't really think of anything, just kinda look at people you consider inspirations. Look at what they accomplished and maybe it will give you some direction.

I do still feel pretty suicidal from time to time, but when I look at what I am building and still continuing to do with my life, I question if it's worth throwing away all my skills and developments that I made over the years.

 

[madameviolette]

Same. Wondering what I did all this for. Also high achiever but didn't put much effort into it. Still sucks to lose it all

 

[fadedghost]

I want to kill myself but I realised that I grown too many emotional attachments over the past 18 years of my life. I'm a high achiever in school, I'm not sure what to do. I'm just kinda in this awkward place where if I do kill myself then it's like "What did I earn all of these awards for?" And if I don't kill myself it's like "Well fuck!- I want to kill myself" I don't know what's wrong with me, I was just so eager yesterday to try and slit my wrist but I was too stupid to even find the veins to kill myself. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this to be honest if so I need advice because I have no idea what to do.

Committing suicide is incredibly hard. When a person gets to the actual act, survival instinct kicks in and every fiber of your brain tries to take control over your consciousness and prevent the actions that will end things.

If you feel any ambiguity at all, and doubt about whether you should end it, if you have any hesitation, then it's going to be nearly impossible to end your life.

Go get help, try therapy, ketamine, jogging, anti-depressants, getting older and working and just being independent. You are not ready to die, you still have some hope and some questioning about whether life is worth it, so go and try to get better and live and if all the hope is completely gone, and there's no ambiguity, then consider it again.

 

[bloodandshavedhead]

I'll try to see if tomorrow I still want to live but one day I hope I wake up with some natural cancer or some leukaemia that isn't my fault so I'll die without having to do it myself. Pathetic, I know it sounds but I'm so tired of suffering. I really am, I'm 18, I'm still in high school (not because of failed classes just cause I got an early birthday) I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck in between this weird state.

 

[Exhausted546]

I want to kill myself but I realised that I grown too many emotional attachments over the past 18 years of my life. I'm a high achiever in school, I'm not sure what to do. I'm just kinda in this awkward place where if I do kill myself then it's like "What did I earn all of these awards for?" And if I don't kill myself it's like "Well fuck!- I want to kill myself" I don't know what's wrong with me, I was just so eager yesterday to try and slit my wrist but I was too stupid to even find the veins to kill myself. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this to be honest if so I need advice because I have no idea what to do.

Slicing your wrists won't work, you'll just get nerve damage.

 

[bloodandshavedhead]

Figured that out, I'm too lazy to come up with a suicide method that won't leave me with permanent damage, I'm just praying to get fucking cancer.

I hope (even if there is a god) God removes all cancer from the cancer patients who want to keep on living and gives it to me.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Try this thread

I tried to put some wisdom on it.

Honest mate, just do something else, what are you doing here?

 

[bloodandshavedhead]

i really don't want to live anymore to be honest, I'm tired of being stuck in this stupid body that I grown too big for, I'm here because I want to be

 

[InevitableDeath]

i really don't want to live anymore to be honest, I'm tired of being stuck in this stupid body that I grown too big for, I'm here because I want to be

OK. Of course you are. So now you're here with all us suicidals and old people, are we gonna chat or are you gonna rant?

Was there anything you liked in that post I linked to?

Do you create at all? Anything? Sports, food, music, writing, photography? Idk - have you tried? What makes you happy?

 

[bloodandshavedhead]

I like studying, I don't have a life much outside of school, community service, studying. Repeat, studying school, community service, I guess I like academic decathlon but yeah that's about it. What about you? Why are you here?

 

[InevitableDeath]

Academic Decathlon looks tough. You like that? Wow. That's some pressure no?

Idk how to even think about that - Spose that could be what I'd perceive as 'work' - how about 'play' - hobbies, interests, stuff that's yours and only yours? Music, films, games, idk - what?

You're in a rut at 18, feeling the pressures and not sure how to proceed.

It is a fucking nightmare! Toughest time ever.

I'm thankfully a good few decades beyond that, so will have to rack my brains..... oh yeah..... it was a fucking nightmare!

No doubt, as a high achiever, you've got a world of pain about to come down on you...
Family expectations
Academia
Future career
Responsibilities
Sexuality
Your own self
AM I DOING IT RIGHT?!
WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR?!
WHO THE FUCK AM I?!
AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

amirite?
We can do this on PM if you'd prefer, or here. Your call. If you wanna hear my crap too? I don't mind.

-----------------------

ah, ok, it seems I don't have chat. How do you have it?!

Q: This site has a chat?
A: YES! Chat becomes available at non disclosed times as per the Rules and FAQ thread. The chat icon will appear at the top of the page header, directly left of the search bar (represented by two overlaying chat bubbles. A chat link exists under the 3 bar menu located on the far left portion of the header bar.

I click your link and it just goes to a blank page.
Have sent you a Direct Mail link instead, which is what I thought was PMs...
edit - seems there's a bug on this

 

[sleepingrabbit]

I want to kill myself due to depression, you're not being noisy btw I'm glad that you asked. I suffer from social anxiety and just from family problems/ my teachers think I'm a great student but I'm not. I'm a pathetic female who can barely uphold her own weight. And also btw thanks for the header dude for trying to slit my wrist. Yes I have achievements but at the end of the day what's the point if I still feel shitty. The dopamine from me being a top student goes away.

Hi! I'm in college now but this is partly how I felt in high school.

This is going to sound weird, but if you're feeling this conflicted then maybe being here isn't what you need. I don't think its bad to find catharsis in venting to other people who get the feeling. But it sounds like you want this because you're overwhelmed. Which, as others here have said, is not intended to invalidate how you feel. Nothing can truly do that; your feelings are your own. I know what it's like to be in that moment. But I don't think being here will help you.