I want to kill myself but i feel i dont deserve to

[deadaxolotl1234]

just like the title, I have an amazing life. good family, good support system, middle class. Its too good. but i still want to die so badly. theres still this voice in my head saying my family would be sad, but most of my family woudnt care or spread it like gossip. lke, "she died because she left the church" even though it was a cult. they would blame it on that. sorry im rambling a bit.
i just needed somewhere to rant, sorry

 

[8hsjyd]

I'm sorry that you have to go through these things, and don't worry about venting.
It sounds as though, at least partially, there are aspects of life you've attachment to. (I understand your selection of the term 'amazing life' is perhaps referencing your life as it's viewed by other people, but nevertheless, it's a strong term.) Is it possible that your current bereavements are resultant from certain individual circumstances which serve as inordinate stressors? If so, do you think their removal is feasible, even if difficult or temporally distant?
While death is an individual decision, it should nevertheless be considered duly.

 

[Off_Switch]

Everyone from all demographics deserve this right. The bus driver doesn't not discriminate.

 

[Aknu132]

just like the title, I have an amazing life. good family, good support system, middle class. Its too good. but i still want to die so badly. theres still this voice in my head saying my family would be sad, but most of my family woudnt care or spread it like gossip. lke, "she died because she left the church" even though it was a cult. they would blame it on that. sorry im rambling a bit.
i just needed somewhere to rant, sorry

You deserve what you want, not what others want. You don't choose how your brain works, your parents have you without thinking anything could go wrong. If you think it's better for you to CTB then go ahead. If you think you can keep going and try to get better than go ahead. It's your choice, don't feel guilty, you own nothing for people that put you in this situation.

 

[deadaxolotl1234]

I'm sorry that you have to go through these things, and don't worry about venting.
It sounds as though, at least partially, there are aspects of life you've attachment to. (I understand your selection of the term 'amazing life' is perhaps referencing your life as it's viewed by other people, but nevertheless, it's a strong term.) Is it possible that your current bereavements are resultant from certain individual circumstances which serve as inordinate stressors? If so, do you think their removal is feasible, even if difficult or temporally distant?
While death is an individual decision, it should nevertheless be considered duly.

yeah, there are a lot of aspects I'm attached to. And there's this one thing that i feel like will haunt me for the rest of my life. but, i know that it'll just pass and it would be better if i just wait it out. but it feels so big right now and I feel like im actively ruining my life. I think ill just let it pass and deal with the consequences.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

If you're not 100% certain you want to die then don't. Suicide is an irreversible decision and if you have even a slight chance at bettering your situation you should take it. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide for yourself.

 

[8hsjyd]

yeah, there are a lot of aspects I'm attached to. And there's this one thing that i feel like will haunt me for the rest of my life. but, i know that it'll just pass and it would be better if i just wait it out. but it feels so big right now and I feel like im actively ruining my life. I think ill just let it pass and deal with the consequences.

Anguish can be severe and is legitimately debilitating, sometimes even to points we can't come back from. As you say though, feelings can be and often are transient. Wherein you see recovery from past traumas as possible, and if you see genuine potential for a life worth living, it can be worth pursing that.

While I won't pry into circumstances you haven't shared, my guess, based on your description, is that there is a path towards eventual healing. In the meantime, venting is normal and welcome; reflecting on what went wrong and how things can be improved is important in ensuring things get better. A key thing to this end (and this may not apply but I mention this due to your speaking of a religious institute you seem to not to enjoy but which has some lordship over you) is increasing your agency such that you can remove yourself from the influence of those things and people who are worsening your life. This can mean things like financial independence (employment) and moving out if you're still with parents, though, again, these may not apply.

More benignly though, I would suggest walking and or beginning an exercise routine. Exercise is approximately as effective as an antidepressant medication in individuals with depression arising from normal, but hard to deal with life circumstances. Note though that, for these to be effective, you have to have a routine measured with objective goals (e.g. 'I want to walk 30 minutes a day, every day', not 'I want to walk more.')