Venting I want to ctb but at the same time I don't

[Covalite]

I really hate my life, I hate how repetitive and drab and soulless every waking day is for me. I have no one in my life irl that would miss me (besides 2 people but I will get to that) and I have very few online. I want my life to get better but at the same time the facts are on the table, I'm bound to be homeless or just get another loop of a daily routine just a different apartment. I'm trying to move but every thing is over the budget of my housing voucher from ICS or doesn't take it or is simply not available. My only hope to get a better life is that voucher but at the same time I'm beginning to realize that moving wont fix my anxiety, it won't help me find employment that pays a survivable wage, it won't improve my self worth and it wont stop me from being a hermit. I want to have hope but at the same time I need to be realistic things wont get better. The only person who seems to care about me irl is my mother but she has no comprehension of how bad I have it and she is always down playing my problems. Even when i was homeless she said "ohh its not that bad yes your out in the snow and sleet, but your still alive aren't you?". I want to love my mom like she claims to love me but at the same time she is so toxic when it comes to my mental health and all the things that drag me down in life. The other person who would miss me irl, my grandfather, I haven't seen since i was 13 and i barely call him so I don't feel very close with him at least not as close as i used to feel. I have several methods in mind and i know i have the will power this time not to be a coward plus I now have access or soon will to non selfish methods so I won't harm any one else in my life. Again i want to have hope but me being optimistic has really clouded my judgement and I am beginning to realize sooner or latter I will be so down trodden that i will finally lose all hope and I don't want to cbt alone and hopeless, I want to ctb on my own terms instead of my hand being forced by this cruel world.
edits to the title and the main bulk were minor typo fixes.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate a lot, my life feels like a pointless battle to nowhere.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I can relate a lot, my life feels like a pointless battle to nowhere.

I felt THE HELL out of this. I feel the same way.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it certainly is like any hope only exists just to be taken away and eventually lead to more suffering. But it does sound tiring being trapped in that situation, it certainly is such a hellish world that we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[Sparx]

I understand this. Part of me wants to go asap, another part of me doesn't want to do it at all. It's a horrible conflict to try & resolve.