I think today is finally the day

[G000pie]

I was going to wait till the weekend, but I've been putting it off till the weekend for months now. I think today is finally the day. I don't have much to do- will want to wipe my phone and computer, maybe listen to my favorite songs one last time. The urges haven't been this bad in a very long time. Maybe it's the heat, spring always makes me feel suicidal. But back then I still had things to live for. I don't anymore. These pastt few months it's been bad news after bad news, letdown after letdown. I'm sick of it all, of this cruel, money-hungry, love-starved world. There's too much bad. I feel inherently filthy for even being a human.

There is no hope for me and it's been stupid even trying. I guess I was just in denial about it all.
I have a loaded gun sitting on my nightstand. I keep looking at it, wondering if I'll angle it right, what it'll feel like, if it'll hurt. What comes after, be it hell, another life or nothingness. I'm so, so tired.

I'm tired of fighting. Fighting through panic attacks, for people to take me seriously about my agoraphobia, for a reason to make it to the end of each day. Of fighing through PMDD, ADHD, OCD, emetophobia, whatever else is fucking wrong with me.

I'm tired of trying to fix myself. It's not just me that's broken, either. Society is broken. Even if I was mentally healthy, if I could go places like I used to, if I wasn't disabled, I'd still become a minimum wage slave, I'd never afford a home, I'd never fall in love because I am fundementally unloveable.

I'm so, so tired. And I'm ready to finally go to sleep for the last time. I can only hope if there is anything after this life, it's kinder than this one was.

I'm gonna get lunch. Maybe take a nap. Get things in order. Then put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I'm scared, yes, but I have to do it. I've waited too long. I'm not welcome in this world or in my own body. This universe does not want me. It will be an act of mercy.

 

[beeptad]

I feel you bud, that slow realization that all your hope was pointless, that every attempt at improving life was fated to fail. Just remember you can always put CTB off as long as you need, and we'll always be here to listen to you. Whatever path you take I hope you find peace in this world or the next .

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I hope you find peace! Good luck!

 

[zardofan]

Thinking of you. Remember you don't have to do it— you have every right to postpone endlessly if you want and no justification is needed. And if you do go, I hope it's instantaneous for you.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

It's not just me that's broken, either. Society is broken.

Yess, I love this so much! It's so true.. I think things can and will get better, but only after many, many, many people starve, CTB, suffer first.. and it'll be many, many decades of slow death before we reach that point, or worst case we all just repeat history and our civilization will totally collapse and we restart again..

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to sleep, I also feel so tired of suffering in this existence, I hope you find the peace you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

we're here for and with you OP. I can relate to the pmdd and a lot of other things you said. whatever you decide, know that you are loved, unmet friend.

 

[unscrewedmoon999]

I hope you find relief from your pain, one way or another. It's so unfair that life has been so cruel to you.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yess, I love this so much! It's so true.. I think things can and will get better, but only after many, many, many people starve, CTB, suffer first.. and it'll be many, many decades of slow death before we reach that point, or worst case we all just repeat history and our civilization will totally collapse and we restart again..

I agree

 

[WhySoSad55555]

Oh, I can relate. Believe it or not I just got home from a bad day, of trying "to get better" I hate how I'm such a people pleaser, I can't just stand my ground and say no or walk away. My sister was nagging me to go to her friends house and was acting like she was going to die if I didn't go. So I went because I felt obligated too and didn't want her to be disappointed, just for everything to be a complete waste of my time. My sister had the audacity to gossip about me while i was literally sitting right next to her, and when i wanted to go home, my sister kept stalling as long and as much as possible. My mom and sister won't ever let me stay at home, I always have to go somewhere with people and feel even worse than how I already feel, because they "care about me" I've already given up on everything and have started planning to ctb but I feel like my mom and sister are going to be a problem, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Sorry I didn't mean to rant, but I feel the same way, I can't take much more of this, but it sucks that I don't have what I need to ctb yet. I hope everything works out for you, and you can have a painless ctb.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Sorry for all the fighting, tiredness, and brokenness in this world. May you find your peace and calm, a place to heal, and to rest. Sending love.

 

[DeadSet]

I wish you well. Fest in peace