Heavy_Metals117
Member
- May 24, 2026
- 44
I think tonight is the night. I wish I could have experienced love one last time. It doesn't matter anyway. It's better that she left. I did get to hear her voice one more time though which is all I could have asked for. I love her voice.
I really hope my sister will be fine. She's only 10 and already lost one brother to suicide. I really hope she'll be fine. I tried to make it to where she won't miss me as much by being as boring as possible. Didn't have to try much though. Maybe she won't miss me as much.
I just have no will to do anything anymore. No will and I'm scared and feel awful all of the time. I thought improving my life would help but it isn't.
I've lost interest in everything, even music, which is what I was most passionate about for years. I can hardly listen to music at all apart from the band Haken. I have no interest in playing any of my instruments anymore either. I have no material desires either. I don't even want food or water anymore, and it's really messing with my body.
I just want to not exist anymore. I no longer care about how it will impact my ex, if she'll even know. She's strong. I feel that my sister will be fine. She won't see me. I will lock the door so it's only my step-dad who will come in and see.
I'm going to do a partial suspension hanging in the comfort of my bed. I just hope I'm not too heavy for the anchor point. It's the sturdiest thing that's accessible to me at this point. It's my only option if I don't want to head on collide with a semitruck or something. I also am afraid of my SI not letting me do it like every other time I've tried with hanging. I can OD just fine while sober, but it has never done the job.
If I had alcohol it would be easy, but I was too scared of going and buying some. Last time I drank I got blackout drunk and cut well into my wrist with a butter knife. I don't even remember doing it. If only I could get drunk now. I can't wait another day though. It's my last chance to go out non violently for a long time.
I guess if I don't type a reply in this thread tomorrow it means I did it. I wish I had someone to support me while making this decision. It would make it much less scary. I'm mostly scared of losing my hearing. Even though I don't have much interest in music anymore, I'm still scared of losing the thing that has given me much joy in the past. It's so hard to imagine losing my hearing.
Anyway, thanks for reading the long post. I hope you all do well in what you try to achieve. You are all great people and I'm thankful.
I really hope my sister will be fine. She's only 10 and already lost one brother to suicide. I really hope she'll be fine. I tried to make it to where she won't miss me as much by being as boring as possible. Didn't have to try much though. Maybe she won't miss me as much.
I just have no will to do anything anymore. No will and I'm scared and feel awful all of the time. I thought improving my life would help but it isn't.
I've lost interest in everything, even music, which is what I was most passionate about for years. I can hardly listen to music at all apart from the band Haken. I have no interest in playing any of my instruments anymore either. I have no material desires either. I don't even want food or water anymore, and it's really messing with my body.
I just want to not exist anymore. I no longer care about how it will impact my ex, if she'll even know. She's strong. I feel that my sister will be fine. She won't see me. I will lock the door so it's only my step-dad who will come in and see.
I'm going to do a partial suspension hanging in the comfort of my bed. I just hope I'm not too heavy for the anchor point. It's the sturdiest thing that's accessible to me at this point. It's my only option if I don't want to head on collide with a semitruck or something. I also am afraid of my SI not letting me do it like every other time I've tried with hanging. I can OD just fine while sober, but it has never done the job.
If I had alcohol it would be easy, but I was too scared of going and buying some. Last time I drank I got blackout drunk and cut well into my wrist with a butter knife. I don't even remember doing it. If only I could get drunk now. I can't wait another day though. It's my last chance to go out non violently for a long time.
I guess if I don't type a reply in this thread tomorrow it means I did it. I wish I had someone to support me while making this decision. It would make it much less scary. I'm mostly scared of losing my hearing. Even though I don't have much interest in music anymore, I'm still scared of losing the thing that has given me much joy in the past. It's so hard to imagine losing my hearing.
Anyway, thanks for reading the long post. I hope you all do well in what you try to achieve. You are all great people and I'm thankful.
