I think I push myself towards this at this point.

[greyblue_bian]

I genuinely think I self-sabotage and hurt myself on purpose so that I will kill myself because I can't take it anymore. I am weak. I am addicted to hurting myself and stayed in contact with people who have abused me because it is just all I've known for my whole life. I don't know how to stop it. I think I really should be put down for mercy. I've been trying to fight the urge to text and ask my abusive ex boyfriend if he really thinks everything was my fault even though I know and have everything to show it wasn't but I have heard it from him so many times I really just want to accept it as truth so I can die. I can't really fight the urge anymore. I don't even care if it hurts me. I only tried fighting it because last time I had to confront him about him and his friends possibly make fun of me online, I had a small anxiety attack and it's not serious but it wasn't fun or expected at all. I don't know anymore. I'm tired. I need help. Let me out of here. It's all my fault. I don't even deserve to die.

 

[corruptible_angel]

I totally relate to self-sabotage

 

[etherealspring]

I self-sabotage too. i genuinely believe that if i destroy myself enough, I'll eventually ctb because i cant take it anymore. i want to die so badly but i dont know how else i can get there

im sorry ur going through this, it's really rough :(

 

[Manfrotto99]

I am self sabotaging too in order to push things along. I have a few friends who are concerned, but they can't help and I find myself pushing them away so I can convince myself no one cares and that will ease my conscience when I ctb.. I've just had enough and see no possibility of change. Its too painful where I am but I am stuck here due to limited finances. If someone could genuinely help and offer me an alternative other than cbt or a solution out of the situation I am in, I would actually take it, but they just can't and it's just gotten way too difficult and big for me.