Venting i shouldve died a long time ago

[maidens]

it seriously feels like im not supposed to be here
I was supposed to ctb in January, wonder what happened to that
I wish my ctb attempt last month was successful. it feels like its only gotten worse since then
if I look away from my phone for even a few moments I feel like im the player character in some hyperrealistic video game, if that makes sense
I don't feel real I feel like ive already died and this is my punishment
I should not be here I should be dead right now, I was right that I'd regret not killing myself I need to die I need to die I need to die

 

[Cosmog]

Relate to u heavy, I was the type of guy to force myself to look optimistic all the time. For the past couple of years and even during the start of highschool I only had thoughts on ctb'ing but I never took them into action, just wrote my feelings on a piece of paper and hid it all my life. TBH now I had enough of this shit, nothing ever went right for me. I wish I took action earlier cuz this is mentally tormenting.

Ig the only piece of advice I could give you (the irony) is to come up w a sound plan of ctb'ing. Nothing will ever magically go right unless u put the effort, just how the world works. Alternatively, you could also seek help (although that may be shitty advice on my end as it looks like even psych wards, if you been to one, couldn't even offer you anything, and for that I apologies).

Not the best guy when it comes to advice but I hope this message gave you at least a little bit of comfort. I wish you the best for whatever you decide and I hope you achieve what you are looking for. All love.