hahahahhkjsk
Member
- Apr 17, 2026
- 11
ahhhh i think i caught it again, the sudden wave of impulsive thoughts that will probably be irrevelant in two hours; this is a vent, im afraid of being accused of emotional manipulation or playing mindgames on others when i just need to vent okay dont take whatever i say here as a matter-of-plan
mentions of self harm and suicide ok well what forum are we on but still warning anyways if you don't want to read that
LONG! put a subway surfers gameplay video next to this if you plan to read it all you will need it
i feel terribly helpless, then i feel hope, then i feel despair, then i feel calm and acceptance, yada yada yada constantly like my mind is not of my own and it just randomly generates me thoughts and impulses and ideas. ok well
my current impulsive thought, really want to self harm tonight, i miss the feeling, i miss it so terribly much, i wish i could do it on my arm ahhhh i wish i didn't confine my comfort to oversized black t-shirts LOL i mean i could do it on my upper arm (covered by the sleeve, reaches my elbow) but meh. i want the forearrrmmmm
so thigh it is. again. my scars have faded and i don't really care about that. i want to make a deep deep gash, to prove to myself that i can do it, i can do that and i don't have the curse of shallow cuts forever
what i really wanted to say, why i even began typing, was that once again, im stuck in my headdd and it makes me think about terrible terrible things, if the logistics of my own death weren't terrible enough already, ive been tormented all day with other stuff. Ahhhh its So Bad. as a metaphor, if my act is a bowling ball and im trying to knock down one pin(myself), why not just try to take down every other obstacle too in the way(im NOT GONNA DO THAT im already terribly afraid of hurting others its just. intrusive thoughts. intrusive thoughts. intrusive thoughts. nothing new.) but im rational enough to know that this is probably one last attempt of my poor dishevelled psyche to feel any sort of liberation, to feel the feeling of being able to do whatever i want one last time. that my attempt at trying to destroy my environment is just a way to express my frustrations that boil within. Ok please well
im going back to school tomorrowwww and Ummmm. well. after squandering all my sweet sweet time at home under the guise of studying for my finals (2weeks), im underprepared fo school and for any social interaction and im afraid that 1) teacher will yell because im a fraud and failure (deserved honestly) 2) i will terribly lash out at my friend or at my classmates as an attempt to give me the final push i need.
honestly idk what im waiting for. my stupid contraption that i want to go out with, was made insecure in the discovery of Rope that i found in the garage. untouched, untinkered rope. i just saw it idk how long it is or what its properties are but its in store condition like its new. so it might replace my old plan kinda sorta because im planning to go with long drop and i need like a 2,5m drop minimum if i want to KO myself and asphyxiate instead of flailing around until i die. Well.
You Know, Last thought then i will Go and do something productive fo school tomorrow, maybe what im waiting for,
is that i want to see Her one last time.
the headmistress of my class, my teacher, shes been my Favourite Person since 2023 and im not gonna lie im still not over it. when its not my FP shit causeing my suffering, its something else. and im sad and im angry because i still expect something from her that i know i have no right to expect from her. shes a mother figure to me, a best friend, a romantic interest or At Least the Version of Her in my head is. in reality im scared shitless to even approach her after class and ask anything. shes the sweetest, the most beautiful, the most intelligent and loving and caring woman ever. i love her so much. so so much. im still not over it, that i wont see her again after school, but meh. maybe ill make a Vent Post on my Whole FP Situation if you wanna hear?????? its a looooot and i LOVE talking i love talking.
ok. maybe i just want to see her one last time. catch a glimpse of her. maybe i want her to ask me if im okay.
im hoping for a miracle at this point. if tomorrow goes shit, there is a chance i will try it tomorrow evening. i only need to figure out the rope. otherwise i just need to carry the ladder over to the tree and do it. i don't know why im still clinging to this stupid stupid external world and its measly happenings around me maybe i just want someone to show me that they care. maybe i need something to show me that theres hope for me. otherwise idk why im prolonging my suffering. why. im still fighting with comprehending that there is nothing after my brain turns off. maybe. but whatever happens afterwards is not my business. im tired of waking up with suicidal thoughts and going to bed with suicidal thoughts. maybe death is just like sleep like i close my eyes and theres darkness but you don't wake up. probably.
i need a cigarette
edit: minor spelling mistake *combusts*
mentions of self harm and suicide ok well what forum are we on but still warning anyways if you don't want to read thatLONG! put a subway surfers gameplay video next to this if you plan to read it all you will need iti feel terribly helpless, then i feel hope, then i feel despair, then i feel calm and acceptance, yada yada yada constantly like my mind is not of my own and it just randomly generates me thoughts and impulses and ideas. ok well
my current impulsive thought, really want to self harm tonight, i miss the feeling, i miss it so terribly much, i wish i could do it on my arm ahhhh i wish i didn't confine my comfort to oversized black t-shirts LOL i mean i could do it on my upper arm (covered by the sleeve, reaches my elbow) but meh. i want the forearrrmmmm
so thigh it is. again. my scars have faded and i don't really care about that. i want to make a deep deep gash, to prove to myself that i can do it, i can do that and i don't have the curse of shallow cuts forever
what i really wanted to say, why i even began typing, was that once again, im stuck in my headdd and it makes me think about terrible terrible things, if the logistics of my own death weren't terrible enough already, ive been tormented all day with other stuff. Ahhhh its So Bad. as a metaphor, if my act is a bowling ball and im trying to knock down one pin(myself), why not just try to take down every other obstacle too in the way(im NOT GONNA DO THAT im already terribly afraid of hurting others its just. intrusive thoughts. intrusive thoughts. intrusive thoughts. nothing new.) but im rational enough to know that this is probably one last attempt of my poor dishevelled psyche to feel any sort of liberation, to feel the feeling of being able to do whatever i want one last time. that my attempt at trying to destroy my environment is just a way to express my frustrations that boil within. Ok please well
im going back to school tomorrowwww and Ummmm. well. after squandering all my sweet sweet time at home under the guise of studying for my finals (2weeks), im underprepared fo school and for any social interaction and im afraid that 1) teacher will yell because im a fraud and failure (deserved honestly) 2) i will terribly lash out at my friend or at my classmates as an attempt to give me the final push i need.
honestly idk what im waiting for. my stupid contraption that i want to go out with, was made insecure in the discovery of Rope that i found in the garage. untouched, untinkered rope. i just saw it idk how long it is or what its properties are but its in store condition like its new. so it might replace my old plan kinda sorta because im planning to go with long drop and i need like a 2,5m drop minimum if i want to KO myself and asphyxiate instead of flailing around until i die. Well.
You Know, Last thought then i will Go and do something productive fo school tomorrow, maybe what im waiting for,
is that i want to see Her one last time.
the headmistress of my class, my teacher, shes been my Favourite Person since 2023 and im not gonna lie im still not over it. when its not my FP shit causeing my suffering, its something else. and im sad and im angry because i still expect something from her that i know i have no right to expect from her. shes a mother figure to me, a best friend, a romantic interest or At Least the Version of Her in my head is. in reality im scared shitless to even approach her after class and ask anything. shes the sweetest, the most beautiful, the most intelligent and loving and caring woman ever. i love her so much. so so much. im still not over it, that i wont see her again after school, but meh. maybe ill make a Vent Post on my Whole FP Situation if you wanna hear?????? its a looooot and i LOVE talking i love talking.
ok. maybe i just want to see her one last time. catch a glimpse of her. maybe i want her to ask me if im okay.
im hoping for a miracle at this point. if tomorrow goes shit, there is a chance i will try it tomorrow evening. i only need to figure out the rope. otherwise i just need to carry the ladder over to the tree and do it. i don't know why im still clinging to this stupid stupid external world and its measly happenings around me maybe i just want someone to show me that they care. maybe i need something to show me that theres hope for me. otherwise idk why im prolonging my suffering. why. im still fighting with comprehending that there is nothing after my brain turns off. maybe. but whatever happens afterwards is not my business. im tired of waking up with suicidal thoughts and going to bed with suicidal thoughts. maybe death is just like sleep like i close my eyes and theres darkness but you don't wake up. probably.
i need a cigarette
edit: minor spelling mistake *combusts*
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