technicallyAlive
Member
- Nov 29, 2023
- 40
I remember when i was little i saw a poster on a bulletin board. I don't remember what it said exactly but i remember it said something regarding councelors. i didnt know what that meant at the time and when i looked it up it led me down a rabbit hole. i learned about therapy and psychology and psychiatry and i also learned about why people sought out those things in the first place. I learned about mental health and suicide and depression. I can't say i fully grasped the gravity of that stuff, I just knew it meant people were sad. Later on i mentioned to my mom that i wanted to be a therapist when i grew up. She told me that being a therapist was a sad job and i told her i knew and that I was gonna do it regardless and she asked me why. I asked her if she had been sad before, to which she replied "yes" and i asked her if it felt good. She said no and i said thats why. I wanted to help people, but the reason why I felt so strongly was because since i was little i noticed this rotting feeling inside me. Not physically, it was more on an emotional level and I didn't know what it was at the time but I knew it felt bad. It felt so bad and i knew i didnt want anyone to feel the way i felt.
I had brain fog since I was 9 and I struggled with sleeping and insomnia and my parents never put me (or my little brother) to bed or cared for us so its no wonder i never got to bed on time. I got into studying psychology and I believed that even if my family was poor and unable to afford the education for me to become a therapist, i would still make it if i just kept believing. after all, isnt that what happens in tv shows and cartoons?
I remained determined. tired, but determined to become a person who would help free burdens and make sure nobody felt the kind of shit that i did. Unfortunately my mother was dealing with trauma of her own, that wound up manifesting itself in the form of delusions. To this day she still refers to her delusions and episodes as "black magic" and shes always viewed it as such. She doesnt like to think theres something actually wrong with her. We used to be best friends but eventually she got intimidated by the fact that I was studying psychology. She thought i was studying it to prove she was insane in some way. She refused to believe that it didnt revolve around her and that I might've had actual probable cause. We fought a lot and we weren't even friends anymore, much less best friends.
I thought i had to do the smart and mature thing as a 14 year old to make sure our relationship wasn't further soured, and I tossed the one psychology book i had and I gave up. I cried for days on end. The grief i felt was so bad i felt sick to my stomach and i couldn't eat. I know it doesn't sound that bad, grieving over a book out of everything. It genuinely feels so stupid to be talking so deeply about a book, but i cant put into words how horrible this was. i felt like i died.
Seeing as how hated & corrupt the system is (as i later learned) im thinking I maybe dodged a bullet with that one. theres nothing i can do to salvage my future now, ive accepted that. whats done is done and the only thing left to do is see ts through until my inevitable ctb
sorry for any grammar errors, this took a bit to write and i dont rlly wanna proofread this
I had brain fog since I was 9 and I struggled with sleeping and insomnia and my parents never put me (or my little brother) to bed or cared for us so its no wonder i never got to bed on time. I got into studying psychology and I believed that even if my family was poor and unable to afford the education for me to become a therapist, i would still make it if i just kept believing. after all, isnt that what happens in tv shows and cartoons?
I remained determined. tired, but determined to become a person who would help free burdens and make sure nobody felt the kind of shit that i did. Unfortunately my mother was dealing with trauma of her own, that wound up manifesting itself in the form of delusions. To this day she still refers to her delusions and episodes as "black magic" and shes always viewed it as such. She doesnt like to think theres something actually wrong with her. We used to be best friends but eventually she got intimidated by the fact that I was studying psychology. She thought i was studying it to prove she was insane in some way. She refused to believe that it didnt revolve around her and that I might've had actual probable cause. We fought a lot and we weren't even friends anymore, much less best friends.
I thought i had to do the smart and mature thing as a 14 year old to make sure our relationship wasn't further soured, and I tossed the one psychology book i had and I gave up. I cried for days on end. The grief i felt was so bad i felt sick to my stomach and i couldn't eat. I know it doesn't sound that bad, grieving over a book out of everything. It genuinely feels so stupid to be talking so deeply about a book, but i cant put into words how horrible this was. i felt like i died.
Seeing as how hated & corrupt the system is (as i later learned) im thinking I maybe dodged a bullet with that one. theres nothing i can do to salvage my future now, ive accepted that. whats done is done and the only thing left to do is see ts through until my inevitable ctb
sorry for any grammar errors, this took a bit to write and i dont rlly wanna proofread this
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