I ordered my SN + some thoughts

[sonnyw]

I've just ordered SN and I've also been notified that the order was sent.

I don't know how to feel. I want to CTB by the end of the year but at the same time I still hold some very little hope that my life could get better someday. I don't wanna die as a loser. Actually I don't wanna die at all, I only want the suffering to end. But every time I told myself that things could get better, they never did. After getting bullied in middle school, I thought I'd actually find friends in high school. After spending all five years of high school in solitude while watching others have fun, I thought university would be different and that I'd finally start living. And once again, that didn't happen. Now I think that maybe things could change when I move out, maybe go abroad... but if my life has always sucked up until now, it's likely that it will keep sucking forever. I believe that my life is a losing game, and there's no point in keeping playing.

Even when I was a kid I was miserable... in the kindergarten I was always crying when others were having fun, and there isn't a single childhood picture of me in which I'm smiling. I think there's something deeply wrong in me. I feel like I don't belong to this world, like if I were an unwanted guest at someone else's house, and I wish I could be like the other people.

Despite this, I'm still young (21 in a few days), so maybe things could get better someday and I will start to enjoy living for the first time. But will they? It's very unlikely, and I'm tired of waiting. I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me see what my life will be like in the future.
My birthday is in a few days, followed by Christmas and New Year's. I really don't want to spend my birthday or the holidays alone. I especially don't want to hear about other people's plans for New Year's or their family gatherings, considering my own family hates me.
I'm tired of all of this and I don't know what to do.

 

[Elsie]

Most people probably tell you to see therapist or go spend time with your family. But how can we be happy if we keep encountering miserable moments... Happy for a short while, then sad again. It becomes so repeated that eventually you get tired of everything. Your decision is on your hand. Try to hollow out all the things in your head and think. Whether you want to seek help... Or go peacefully, do whatever you want. Just think carefully.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

It's always possible for things to get better. How that can be accomplished will be different for everyone. Personally, therapy and psychiatric medicine changed my life for the better. However, I have been very privileged to have access to those things as well as education, and that simply and unfortunately isn't true for everyone. I feel deeply for you that you've had to go through such loneliness. To feel forsaken is among the worst experiences. You deserve comfort and rest, be that through striving to find it in life, or by welcoming the end. Your choice is yours and only yours to make.

 

[ilovenewyork]

At 21 why don't you just buy a plane ticket somewhere pleasant and start a new life? What have you got to lose?

 

[weallhaveourghosts]

I've tried the geographical cure before and it doesn't work at least it didn't for me because for me it was just me with my same thoughts and brain just in a new place. Sure I met people and did things I wouldn't have otherwise but it's the end of my first year here and I still want to die. Of course, I can't say that the same will happen to you. Maybe you go somewhere new and people who change your life and see reasons for living idk. It's always a gamble but no matter what you decide I hope you get the ending you want.

 

[sonnyw]

At 21 why don't you just buy a plane ticket somewhere pleasant and start a new life? What have you got to lose?

I don't have much money, and my family is dysfunctional. When I turned 18, I bought a plane ticket to Paris because it's my dream city to visit. I only wanted to stay there for a couple of days, but when I told my parents, they called me crazy and selfish. My mother, as always, started crying, and my father blamed me for it. My brother, predictably, sided with them. They are very averse to change.

But even if I could move abroad somewhere else without them knowing, where would I go? I'm still finishing my degree (which I don't care about anymore) and currently have no professional qualifications. I know they would never hire me for a job that doesn't require qualifications because they'd rather hire a local.

Actually, some months ago, I applied for my dream job abroad, and a couple of weeks ago, I went through the selection process. Unfortunately, I didn't pass, and I have felt awful since then. I think it was a huge opportunity I missed.

I've tried the geographical cure before and it doesn't work at least it didn't for me because for me it was just me with my same thoughts and brain just in a new place. Sure I met people and did things I wouldn't have otherwise but it's the end of my first year here and I still want to die. Of course, I can't say that the same will happen to you. Maybe you go somewhere new and people who change your life and see reasons for living idk. It's always a gamble but no matter what you decide I hope you get the ending you want.

I'm sorry about that. I considered becoming a math teacher in rural cities in Asia or South America (I'm from Europe), but as far as I know, most agencies offering these jobs classify them as volunteer positions and do not pay. Furthermore, I could only do this for a year at most. And what would I do after that? I would have a one year gap in my CV and still have to finish this degree that I hate

 

[fadedghost]

I've just ordered SN and I've also been notified that the order was sent.

I don't know how to feel. I want to CTB by the end of the year but at the same time I still hold some very little hope that my life could get better someday. I don't wanna die as a loser. Actually I don't wanna die at all, I only want the suffering to end. But every time I told myself that things could get better, they never did. After getting bullied in middle school, I thought I'd actually find friends in high school. After spending all five years of high school in solitude while watching others have fun, I thought university would be different and that I'd finally start living. And once again, that didn't happen. Now I think that maybe things could change when I move out, maybe go abroad... but if my life has always sucked up until now, it's likely that it will keep sucking forever. I believe that my life is a losing game, and there's no point in keeping playing.

Even when I was a kid I was miserable... in the kindergarten I was always crying when others were having fun, and there isn't a single childhood picture of me in which I'm smiling. I think there's something deeply wrong in me. I feel like I don't belong to this world, like if I were an unwanted guest at someone else's house, and I wish I could be like the other people.

Despite this, I'm still young (21 in a few days), so maybe things could get better someday and I will start to enjoy living for the first time. But will they? It's very unlikely, and I'm tired of waiting. I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me see what my life will be like in the future.
My birthday is in a few days, followed by Christmas and New Year's. I really don't want to spend my birthday or the holidays alone. I especially don't want to hear about other people's plans for New Year's or their family gatherings, considering my own family hates me.
I'm tired of all of this and I don't know what to do.

Can you keep trying to find a job and then move out?

Do you have the emotional resilience to work full-time or are you too damaged by life?

I would suggest volunteering somewhere while applying for jobs. It will expand your network.

I wish I knew what country you lived in. If ypu speak Engliah natively, you could teach English in Japan. If you speak Sanish natively, you could move to Argentina. The war in Europe is getting worse. Maybe you are supposed to leave now before it's too late?

Friendships are weird. Friendships beget friendships and lonliness begets lonliness. What I mean is that when you have friends it's easy to make more, when you don't it's much harder. I went to a school once where I had no friends despite trying very hard. I changed schools and made a lot of friends. It was very easy and almost an instant thing there. Sometimes it is random.

It sounds like being in your family environment is making you somewhat more sad anyway.

I personally have found that having SN has put me at ease and I didn't need to use it right away.

I was sort of like you and stuck around to try to meet more people and experience life and hope it got better. Various tragic horrible things happened after and I wish I died much younger. I met one person who was very cruel to me and made my life exponentially worse and if I hadn't met that terrible person, my life may have been okay. He did something really evil to me intentionally and wrecked everything.

It is too bad that only churches and AA/NA have sort of open doors for building community with new people.

I also think that for some of us, our natural level of happiness is inherently slightly lower than others in society. I was an unhappy kid too.

There's no harm in waiting once you have the SN. I hope things change for you and you end up happy.

I really think volunteering somewhere would help.

At 21 why don't you just buy a plane ticket somewhere pleasant and start a new life? What have you got to lose?

I sort of feel like this is the right answer too. If you have the money, do it...
If you are still finishing your degree, finish that first. Then look for work... You'll have the SN should it become unbearable.