I ordered my SN + some thoughts

[sonnyw]

I've just ordered SN and I've also been notified that the order was sent.

I don't know how to feel. I want to CTB by the end of the year but at the same time I still hold some very little hope that my life could get better someday. I don't wanna die as a loser. Actually I don't wanna die at all, I only want the suffering to end. But every time I told myself that things could get better, they never did. After getting bullied in middle school, I thought I'd actually find friends in high school. After spending all five years of high school in solitude while watching others have fun, I thought university would be different and that I'd finally start living. And once again, that didn't happen. Now I think that maybe things could change when I move out, maybe go abroad... but if my life has always sucked up until now, it's likely that it will keep sucking forever. I believe that my life is a losing game, and there's no point in keeping playing.

Even when I was a kid I was miserable... in the kindergarten I was always crying when others were having fun, and there isn't a single childhood picture of me in which I'm smiling. I think there's something deeply wrong in me. I feel like I don't belong to this world, like if I were an unwanted guest at someone else's house, and I wish I could be like the other people.

Despite this, I'm still young (21 in a few days), so maybe things could get better someday and I will start to enjoy living for the first time. But will they? It's very unlikely, and I'm tired of waiting. I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me see what my life will be like in the future.
My birthday is in a few days, followed by Christmas and New Year's. I really don't want to spend my birthday or the holidays alone. I especially don't want to hear about other people's plans for New Year's or their family gatherings, considering my own family hates me.
I'm tired of all of this and I don't know what to do.

 

[Elsie]

Most people probably tell you to see therapist or go spend time with your family. But how can we be happy if we keep encountering miserable moments... Happy for a short while, then sad again. It becomes so repeated that eventually you get tired of everything. Your decision is on your hand. Try to hollow out all the things in your head and think. Whether you want to seek help... Or go peacefully, do whatever you want. Just think carefully.

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

It's always possible for things to get better. How that can be accomplished will be different for everyone. Personally, therapy and psychiatric medicine changed my life for the better. However, I have been very privileged to have access to those things as well as education, and that simply and unfortunately isn't true for everyone. I feel deeply for you that you've had to go through such loneliness. To feel forsaken is among the worst experiences. You deserve comfort and rest, be that through striving to find it in life, or by welcoming the end. Your choice is yours and only yours to make.

 

[ilovenewyork]

At 21 why don't you just buy a plane ticket somewhere pleasant and start a new life? What have you got to lose?

 

[weallhaveourghosts]

I've tried the geographical cure before and it doesn't work at least it didn't for me because for me it was just me with my same thoughts and brain just in a new place. Sure I met people and did things I wouldn't have otherwise but it's the end of my first year here and I still want to die. Of course, I can't say that the same will happen to you. Maybe you go somewhere new and people who change your life and see reasons for living idk. It's always a gamble but no matter what you decide I hope you get the ending you want.

 

[sonnyw]

At 21 why don't you just buy a plane ticket somewhere pleasant and start a new life? What have you got to lose?

I don't have much money, and my family is dysfunctional. When I turned 18, I bought a plane ticket to Paris because it's my dream city to visit. I only wanted to stay there for a couple of days, but when I told my parents, they called me crazy and selfish. My mother, as always, started crying, and my father blamed me for it. My brother, predictably, sided with them. They are very averse to change.

But even if I could move abroad somewhere else without them knowing, where would I go? I'm still finishing my degree (which I don't care about anymore) and currently have no professional qualifications. I know they would never hire me for a job that doesn't require qualifications because they'd rather hire a local.

Actually, some months ago, I applied for my dream job abroad, and a couple of weeks ago, I went through the selection process. Unfortunately, I didn't pass, and I have felt awful since then. I think it was a huge opportunity I missed.

I've tried the geographical cure before and it doesn't work at least it didn't for me because for me it was just me with my same thoughts and brain just in a new place. Sure I met people and did things I wouldn't have otherwise but it's the end of my first year here and I still want to die. Of course, I can't say that the same will happen to you. Maybe you go somewhere new and people who change your life and see reasons for living idk. It's always a gamble but no matter what you decide I hope you get the ending you want.

I'm sorry about that. I considered becoming a math teacher in rural cities in Asia or South America (I'm from Europe), but as far as I know, most agencies offering these jobs classify them as volunteer positions and do not pay. Furthermore, I could only do this for a year at most. And what would I do after that? I would have a one year gap in my CV and still have to finish this degree that I hate

 

[fadedghost]

I've just ordered SN and I've also been notified that the order was sent.

I don't know how to feel. I want to CTB by the end of the year but at the same time I still hold some very little hope that my life could get better someday. I don't wanna die as a loser. Actually I don't wanna die at all, I only want the suffering to end. But every time I told myself that things could get better, they never did. After getting bullied in middle school, I thought I'd actually find friends in high school. After spending all five years of high school in solitude while watching others have fun, I thought university would be different and that I'd finally start living. And once again, that didn't happen. Now I think that maybe things could change when I move out, maybe go abroad... but if my life has always sucked up until now, it's likely that it will keep sucking forever. I believe that my life is a losing game, and there's no point in keeping playing.

Even when I was a kid I was miserable... in the kindergarten I was always crying when others were having fun, and there isn't a single childhood picture of me in which I'm smiling. I think there's something deeply wrong in me. I feel like I don't belong to this world, like if I were an unwanted guest at someone else's house, and I wish I could be like the other people.

Despite this, I'm still young (21 in a few days), so maybe things could get better someday and I will start to enjoy living for the first time. But will they? It's very unlikely, and I'm tired of waiting. I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me see what my life will be like in the future.
My birthday is in a few days, followed by Christmas and New Year's. I really don't want to spend my birthday or the holidays alone. I especially don't want to hear about other people's plans for New Year's or their family gatherings, considering my own family hates me.
I'm tired of all of this and I don't know what to do.

Can you keep trying to find a job and then move out?

Do you have the emotional resilience to work full-time or are you too damaged by life?

I would suggest volunteering somewhere while applying for jobs. It will expand your network.

I wish I knew what country you lived in. If ypu speak Engliah natively, you could teach English in Japan. If you speak Sanish natively, you could move to Argentina. The war in Europe is getting worse. Maybe you are supposed to leave now before it's too late?

Friendships are weird. Friendships beget friendships and lonliness begets lonliness. What I mean is that when you have friends it's easy to make more, when you don't it's much harder. I went to a school once where I had no friends despite trying very hard. I changed schools and made a lot of friends. It was very easy and almost an instant thing there. Sometimes it is random.

It sounds like being in your family environment is making you somewhat more sad anyway.

I personally have found that having SN has put me at ease and I didn't need to use it right away.

I was sort of like you and stuck around to try to meet more people and experience life and hope it got better. Various tragic horrible things happened after and I wish I died much younger. I met one person who was very cruel to me and made my life exponentially worse and if I hadn't met that terrible person, my life may have been okay. He did something really evil to me intentionally and wrecked everything.

It is too bad that only churches and AA/NA have sort of open doors for building community with new people.

I also think that for some of us, our natural level of happiness is inherently slightly lower than others in society. I was an unhappy kid too.

There's no harm in waiting once you have the SN. I hope things change for you and you end up happy.

I really think volunteering somewhere would help.

At 21 why don't you just buy a plane ticket somewhere pleasant and start a new life? What have you got to lose?

I sort of feel like this is the right answer too. If you have the money, do it...
If you are still finishing your degree, finish that first. Then look for work... You'll have the SN should it become unbearable.

 

[sonnyw]

Can you keep trying to find a job and then move out?

Do you have the emotional resilience to work full-time or are you too damaged by life?

I would suggest volunteering somewhere while applying for jobs. It will expand your network.

Thank you for your reply

I could work full time, but I don't know what kind of job to pursue. I lack professional qualifications, and even if I found work, such as a waiter, I would still have to live in this city I hate, and with my family. If I want to go abroad, I need at least a degree or some other qualifications. Otherwise, I wouldn't be hired, especially since I don't know the native language of that country and am not a local.
I will consider volunteering, though, thank you <3

I wish I knew what country you lived in. If ypu speak Engliah natively, you could teach English in Japan. If you speak Sanish natively, you could move to Argentina. The war in Europe is getting worse. Maybe you are supposed to leave now before it's too late?

I live in Northern Italy. I speak Italian, of course, and English quite well, although not at a native level. I also speak Spanish at an intermediate level. I believe I am quite good at learning new languages, so if I were to move to another country, I could learn the local language quickly.
I also agree that the situation is worsening... some countries are slowly reintroducing military conscription and unfortunately, I believe it will soon become mandatory in Italy. If it does, I plan to move to South America immediately, as I consider it a safe place should a war break out.

Friendships are weird. Friendships beget friendships and lonliness begets lonliness. What I mean is that when you have friends it's easy to make more, when you don't it's much harder. I went to a school once where I had no friends despite trying very hard. I changed schools and made a lot of friends. It was very easy and almost an instant thing there. Sometimes it is random.

It sounds like being in your family environment is making you somewhat more sad anyway.

I personally have found that having SN has put me at ease and I didn't need to use it right away.

I was sort of like you and stuck around to try to meet more people and experience life and hope it got better. Various tragic horrible things happened after and I wish I died much younger. I met one person who was very cruel to me and made my life exponentially worse and if I hadn't met that terrible person, my life may have been okay. He did something really evil to me intentionally and wrecked everything.

It is too bad that only churches and AA/NA have sort of open doors for building community with new people.

I also think that for some of us, our natural level of happiness is inherently slightly lower than others in society. I was an unhappy kid too.

There's no harm in waiting once you have the SN. I hope things change for you and you end up happy.

I really think volunteering somewhere would help.

I sort of feel like this is the right answer too. If you have the money, do it...
If you are still finishing your degree, finish that first. Then look for work... You'll have the SN should it become unbearable.

I am sorry for what happened with that terrible person. And I agree, it is much easier to meet new people through friends. When others mention what they do with their friends, like their New Year's plans for example, I always become uncomfortable. Since I spend most of my time alone, I never know what to say, so I usually just nod rather than discussing my own life.
I could finish my degree, but I am too exhausted and depressed to do so. I no longer like what I'm studying, and I truly hate the university environment. It was supposed to be a place where I would meet new people, start a relationship, go to parties, and have fun. Instead, I don't even attend lectures anymore. I just go to the university to take exams after studying on my own, largely because the professors were poor at teaching. I hated going there, talking to no one, and watching others enjoy life while I was a miserable loner. Now I haven't studied anything for three months, and exams are approaching soon. I believe I don't have the strength to complete this degree.
I also considered getting a blue collar job, but those jobs are equally impossible to have because they all require expensive qualifications. And again, even if I got that type of job, I would still be stuck in this country with my family...

 

[fadedghost]

When others mention what they do with their friends, like their New Year's plans for example, I always become uncomfortable. Since I spend most of my time alone, I never know what to say, so I usually just nod rather than discussing my own life.

You can say "I don't have any plans." Maybe they will invite you along? If someone says something mean, you can always say you are planning on finding a bar to go to and just hanging out and watching fireworks. It's better to let people know if you don't have plans so they can include you if they want to.

I could finish my degree, but I am too exhausted and depressed to do so. I no longer like what I'm studying, and I truly hate the university environment. It was supposed to be a place where I would meet new people, start a relationship, go to parties, and have fun. Instead, I don't even attend lectures anymore. I just go to the university to take exams after studying on my own, largely because the professors were poor at teaching. I hated going there, talking to no one, and watching others enjoy life while I was a miserable loner. Now I haven't studied anything for three months, and exams are approaching soon. I believe I don't have the strength to complete this degree.

Finish your fucking degree. You're a year away? Drink coffee, try to exercise more, just find a way to do it, even if you fucking hate it, just finish it. It may help you leave Italy.

I also agree that the situation is worsening... some countries are slowly reintroducing military conscription and unfortunately, I believe it will soon become mandatory in Italy. If it does, I plan to move to South America immediately, as I consider it a safe place should a war break out.

Do not wait to leave until things are officially announced, since they will also introduce rule to making it hard for others to leave. You are not like them, let the popular people who are heroic do the fighting. Start planning now. You don't think travel rules will change instantly? Do you remember how fast they changed when covid happened? First you could leave, then you couldn't. The winds are changing. Make plans now, be ready to leave at any moment.

 

[sonnyw]

You can say "I don't have any plans." Maybe they will invite you along? If someone says something mean, you can always say you are planning on finding a bar to go to and just hanging out and watching fireworks. It's better to let people know if you don't have plans so they can include you if they want to.

The people I was referring to are just random strangers I don't even know. For example, I sometimes work as an extra in movies. The last time I did, I was making small talk with a person who asked me how I would spend the holidays. In this situation I would feel uncomfortable inviting myself to their plans.
I'm only close to two people, two girls who were my classmates in high school. One moved out to another city for university and the other has her large friend group, and we only hung out like twice this year. I don't even think she cares about me. Unlike me, she has many friends whom she sees frequently, and the very few times we do hang out are probably just an effort to not lose touch.

Finish your fucking degree. You're a year away? Drink coffee, try to exercise more, just find a way to do it, even if you fucking hate it, just finish it. It may help you leave Italy.

I'm more than one year away actually. I'm in third year but I'm behind on exams and it will take me more time to graduate. The university system in Italy really sucks. But even if I finished, it would be a useless degree, not because of the job market which is okay, but because it's something I really don't care about and I don't want to pursue a career in. I started this degree because I was told it would be easy to find a job afterward, but then things changed. Now it's not as easy as it once was and my passion for it has faded away.

Do not wait to leave until things are officially announced, since they will also introduce rule to making it hard for others to leave. You are not like them, let the popular people who are heroic do the fighting. Start planning now. You don't think travel rules will change instantly? Do you remember how fast they changed when covid happened? First you could leave, then you couldn't. The winds are changing. Make plans now, be ready to leave at any moment.

Do you believe the travel rules will change if Italy makes military conscription mandatory, even if the Russia/Ukraine war situation remains unchanged, without escalating? If I shouldn't wait to leave, then I should leave as early as tomorrow morning...

 

[swankysoup]

At 21 why don't you just buy a plane ticket somewhere pleasant and start a new life? What have you got to lose?

That would require thousands of dollars, come on

 

[sonnyw]

That would require thousands of dollars, come on

I have enough money for a plane ticket and a few months of living expenses, so that's not a huge concern. But once that money runs out, I could end up in a worse position than before if I don't find a job in time

 

[fadedghost]

The people I was referring to are just random strangers I don't even know. For example, I sometimes work as an extra in movies. The last time I did, I was making small talk with a person who asked me how I would spend the holidays. In this situation I would feel uncomfortable inviting myself to their plans.

This is actually how you make friends. You meet someone you don't know at all, and then you invite them to do something or they invite you to do something, and if they decline, you just move on.

You don't have to invite yourself to their plans, you just say "I have no holiday plans. I wish I did."

Either they say "haha, you're a loser" or "oh, you must not be cool" (in which case you end the conversation) or they invite you to something and say "Want to come to this party with us?"

You have to put yourself out there to meet people. You can't protect yourself from rejection and be open to meeting new people. You have to choose.

 

[sonnyw]

This is actually how you make friends. You meet someone you don't know at all, and then you invite them to do something or they invite you to do something, and if they decline, you just move on.

You don't have to invite yourself to their plans, you just say "I have no holiday plans. I wish I did."

Either they say "haha, you're a loser" or "oh, you must not be cool" (in which case you end the conversation) or they invite you to something and say "Want to come to this party with us?"

You have to put yourself out there to meet people. You can't protect yourself from rejection and be open to meeting new people. You have to choose.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm just very socially anxious...

What price did you pay may i ask, i found but i have no idea how much quantity is it sold nor how much does it cost and it is starting to really annoy me.

Hello. I paid €43 in total (€33 plus €10 for shipping). I bought one kilogram, but you don't actually need that much. If your seller gives you the option, you can buy a smaller amount.

 

[slapntickle]

I am European but have experience with the Italian University system as I studied there for a year doing a masters, and I completely understand your position. It seemed to me a good proportion of the students didn't have any friends at all. They would all go home Friday evening and return Monday morning.

I would say just battle through the rest of the course as best you can. Try to do some physical hobbies - anything that appeals to you. Gym, cycling, running, boxing… they'll all keep your mind of dark thoughts, and you might even meet some people. After your course, there are so many options. You could work on an cruise ship (I've heard it's hard work but everyone has a lot of fun), or even do HelpXchange (ie where you help out on a farm for bed and board) and you'll meet people. Apply for jobs and traineeships abroad - your English is decent. I totally understand wanting to leave Italy, it's a lovely place in many ways but it's really a country for the old, not the young.

As for having the SN, it does no harm just sitting there. It's not like cyanide where you could, in a moment of sadness, down a bottle and then check out. It requires a full protocol (fasting, anti emetics etc). You'll likely never do it as a rash decision, so don't stress it. It's one less thing to worry about when you get it (that's how I see it anyway).

 

[sonnyw]

I am European but have experience with the Italian University system as I studied there for a year doing a masters, and I completely understand your position. It seemed to me a good proportion of the students didn't have any friends at all. They would all go home Friday evening and return Monday morning.

I would say just battle through the rest of the course as best you can. Try to do some physical hobbies - anything that appeals to you. Gym, cycling, running, boxing… they'll all keep your mind of dark thoughts, and you might even meet some people. After your course, there are so many options. You could work on an cruise ship (I've heard it's hard work but everyone has a lot of fun), or even do HelpXchange (ie where you help out on a farm for bed and board) and you'll meet people. Apply for jobs and traineeships abroad - your English is decent. I totally understand wanting to leave Italy, it's a lovely place in many ways but it's really a country for the old, not the young.

As for having the SN, it does no harm just sitting there. It's not like cyanide where you could, in a moment of sadness, down a bottle and then check out. It requires a full protocol (fasting, anti emetics etc). You'll likely never do it as a rash decision, so don't stress it. It's one less thing to worry about when you get it (that's how I see it anyway).

Thank you

 

[BlockedintheUK]

@sonnyw if you are young there is a lot of time to turn things around the brain doesn't stop developing until 25 you might get some relief by then. You could give it a bit longer see how things go your life might look completely different by 30 or 40 with that said I respect your freedom of choice and whatever suffering you have

I'm old there is much less hope for me I wish I was 21

 

[sonnyw]

@sonnyw if you are young there is a lot of time to turn things around the brain doesn't stop developing until 25 you might get some relief by then. You could give it a bit longer see how things go your life might look completely different by 30 or 40 with that said I respect your freedom of choice and whatever suffering you have

I'm old there is much less hope for me I wish I was 21

Thank you. But by that reasoning, unless you have a terminal illness, you shouldn't give up either. Whether you're 50, 60, or 90, things can still turn around, can't they?

 

[BlockedintheUK]

@sonnyw I mean health and energy and even intellect declines with age no way around that also your parents etc are dead and oppourtinities such as career relationship etc all disappear / decline with age by a certain age there is no going back but at 21 nothing is set in stone yet going from 2o to 4o your life may drastically change in every aspect but 7o to 90 isnt going to be like that. At 21 its a roll of the dice as to how things will turn out thats my view but 7o to 9o thats not much of a roll of the dice we know how thats going.

I dont know many suicidal 7o year olds that feel fine at 90 but a lot of 21 year olds feel different at 41.

What country are you in?

 

[sonnyw]

@sonnyw I mean health and energy and even intellect declines with age no way around that also your parents etc are dead and oppourtinities such as career relationship etc all disappear / decline with age by a certain age there is no going back but at 21 nothing is set in stone yet going from 2o to 4o your life may drastically change in every aspect but 7o to 90 isnt going to be like that. At 21 its a roll of the dice as to how things will turn out thats my view but 7o to 9o thats not much of a roll of the dice we know how thats going.

I dont know many suicidal 7o year olds that feel fine at 90 but a lot of 21 year olds feel different at 41.

What country are you in?

Yeah, well, things could get better just like they could get worse...
I'm in Italy

 

[BlockedintheUK]

Yeah, well, things could get better just like they could get worse...
I'm in Italy

Yes true its a roll of the dice @sonnyw

 

[Realog11]

Yeah, well, things could get better just like they could get worse...
I'm in Italy

Yes true its a roll of the dice @sonnyw

Yeah