Help I need to talk with people 40 or so+

[BipolarExpat]

49

My age feels as surreal as wanting to die.

 

[NickStanfield]

Oddly, I expected to be in a very different place at my age (53). When I was younger, I was in great shape and anticipated living a long healthy life, out-living my father and grandfathers. Then genetics hit you and you find that the best efforts just don't matter. I'd be ok with graceful aging but for me, the wheels have literally fallen off this old card in the last two years. Physical impacts are one thing but with those have come mental impacts of anxiety and depression. Getting old just really sucks.

 

[Talokin]

1989 - first time I wrote about my desire to die

All the therapy/meds has probably only made me more miserable.

May I also suggest that being miserable for decades creates of compound type of problem. For me, my family is sick of dealing with me. Also, years of depression/panic neurotransmitters has made me tired in a very extreme way.

I've always worked with children, so understand the discomfort with discussing this topic with younger generations.

 

[BlueWidow]

Oddly, I expected to be in a very different place at my age (53). When I was younger, I was in great shape and anticipated living a long healthy life, out-living my father and grandfathers. Then genetics hit you and you find that the best efforts just don't matter. I'd be ok with graceful aging but for me, the wheels have literally fallen off this old card in the last two years. Physical impacts are one thing but with those have come mental impacts of anxiety and depression. Getting old just really sucks.

That's exactly how I feel. I might be able to handle my physical issues if that's all I had to handle, or I might be able to handle my psychological issues if that's all I had to handle. However, since I'm having all of it at the same time— it's just too much. There's no way I can continue living like this and having to deal with all of these issues that seem completely unsolvable and will most likely get worse the longer I live.
And what you said about genetics is very true also. Just about everyone in my family dies young. So far in my immediate family, my father lived to the age of 61 ( he passed away in 1990) and I have a brother whom I haven't spoken to in 20 years, but he would be 67.
As far as I know, he's still alive. In my immediate family, he's the longest living relative that I have. All of my other siblings and both of my parents have passed away. They all had different health conditions, many of which were genetic, that caused their deaths. I think many of them didn't take very good care of themselves, even after being diagnosed with an illness, which is probably also genetic.
I feel like the only difference between them and me is that most of the illnesses they had were fatal, ie cancer, heart attacks, diabetes- particularly when left untreated.
My thyroid would eventually kill me if I left it untreated, but it could take decades to do so. I don't want to wait that long.

 

[truthseeker]

56. Depression started very young and an abused and neglected childhood made it far worse. I was reckless once on my own at 16. Straightened up as best I could, married in early 20s and had a child. Went back downhill when the marriage fell apart. More reckless in 30s, health issues started and became chronic before I hit 40.

Despite really doing my best to stay on top of things since, it has only progressed to the point that I am here. I was told at 38 I had 5-7 years, I ignored that and have made it 18. This year has been unbearable and I'm tired. Depression rarely ceases now.

 

[BlueWidow]

56. Depression started very young and an abused and neglected childhood made it far worse. I was reckless once on my own at 16. Straightened up as best I could, married in early 20s and had a child. Went back downhill when the marriage fell apart. More reckless in 30s, health issues started and became chronic before I hit 40.

Despite really doing my best to stay on top of things since, it has only progressed to the point that I am here. I was told at 38 I had 5-7 years, I ignored that and have made it 18. This year has been unbearable and I'm tired. Depression rarely ceases now.

It sounds like you've struggled to improve yourself and your circumstances and it hasn't worked out for you. That's the same kind of situation I'm in. I can certainly relate to being tired and relentlessly depressed. It's very aggravating when people around me act like I haven't made enough of an attempt to improve my life or my health when I've spent several decades doing both. It's like they just expect you to struggle for the rest of your life, for decades and decades as you grow older and older and sicker and sicker. Then you end up not being able to take care of yourself and you're reliant on people that don't give a shit about you. I'd rather make my exit while I still have control over it.

 

[truthseeker]

It sounds like you've struggled to improve yourself and your circumstances and it hasn't worked out for you. That's the same kind of situation I'm in. I can certainly relate to being tired and relentlessly depressed. It's very aggravating when people around me act like I haven't made enough of an attempt to improve my life or my health when I've spent several decades doing both. It's like they just expect you to struggle for the rest of your life, for decades and decades as you grow older and older and sicker and sicker. Then you end up not being able to take care of yourself and you're reliant on people that don't give a shit about you. I'd rather make my exit while I still have control over it.
[/QUOTE]
I feel I've done all that I could regarding chronic illnesses. I'd like to think that's how I've made it this long. That must be SI too I'd imagine. To that end I think I've overcompensated and and let depression run free in recent years.
I agree with everything else you said there and well put BTW.

 

[Sweet emotion]

It sucks but we don't have a choice in the hand dealt. Sorry, it's Major Depressive Disorder. Back when I was diagnosed at 13, it was clinical depression.

Oh I thought it was muscular dystrophy disorder because I know someone with that who has MDD tattooed on him. I would never tattoo crps on my skin. First of all I wouldn't be able deal with the pain and it would damaged my body and I don't want it to define me. It don't want people to see it and have it be a constant reminder. But it would be a good way to spread the word around since no one knows about it.

 

[Talokin]

After decades of trying, aggressively, to get better, I understand. Very. Well.

About a year ago, I found a treatment that was helpful, but not covered by insurance. I asked family to help with payment (which they can comfortably do). I got no response, for months, and I deteriorated to the point of taking a medical leave from my job. Just last week, these same family members are now insisting that I go back to this treatment. But I no longer have the physical energy to GET to the appointments.

Last night, they told me "you have to want to get better".

Me "That's why I asked, repeatedly, for help".

And what were their reasons for NOT responding, when I needed the help? Going on vacation. And moving into a bigger house.

I'm coming to the conclusion that, for me, people insist I "get help" for the purpose of making them feel better.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

I am male, 53. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, ADHD and suicidal thoughts since 8th grade. There is probavky some BPD but never been confirmed. I think you get it as I made my way here and struggle daily on whether I CTB sooner or later. Please feel free to PM me.

 

[Nem]

I just turned 150 and I hear you. I understand your point of view but when I was younger I became suicidal and I would've been much better off nipping it in the bud and finished myself off back then. It would've saved me a ton of bs dealing wuth garbage now
Peace/hugs

 

[heheb27595]

41 and have legal problems, I must do compensation work and I am fed up and meet a probation agent every 2 weeks.
Fines for little things like drinking beer (no car) are ridiculously expensive.
Fed up with all the bullshit, my life get worse was supposed to be better.

 

[blue]

I just turned 40.

I've wanted to end my life since I was 16.

I'm a functional adult-- no one knows that I harbor such pain and sadness.
no one knows how much I struggle.
since I turned 40, I have been crying every day-- I left an 8 year relationship this summer because I wasn't happy and was optimistic that I could find something more fulfilling elsewhere.

I feel like the more I age, the more reality sets in and the more difficult it is to be optimistic.
I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.
I feel like I am not living life, but letting life lead me in any which way it wants.

like yourself, I'm in a helping profession.
I do social work; I work with many suicidal patients -- it is my job to keep them safe and provide suicidal interventions.

yet, I come here.

I would be lying if I said I don't get anxious that any of my patients are on this forum.

however, to me, this forum is a neutral space.

I'd also be lying if I said it doesn't bother me to see the psychiatry/social work profession demonized. I understand that there are people who perform below expectation, but as someone who puts their heart into their work and genuinely wants to help others, I'd hate to think that my efforts are viewed as anything but heartfelt and genuine.

I also understand that people are talking from their personal experiences. I respect their experiences and understand that there is a major flaw in the way patients are treated if so many people feel negatively and distrustful about the profession as a whole.

 

[idecidewhen]

No offense to younger people, but I find it difficult to relate as I have fought this for decades. I also, plain and simple, do not feel comfortable discussing this topic with much younger people due to the fact that I was a teacher for years; it just doesn't feel right. I want them to live and to explore.
Please contact me if you are an "older" person who has also battled this for years. Thank you. Peace.

I'm 57, and I get it. What's on your mind?

 

[Nova]

In my fifties. And I know things aren't going to get better, only worse.

 

[Donk]

41m ..suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as i can remember.

 

[itwillpass]

41 m, had depression for as long as I can remember. Getting sick of it.

 

[Bruceleelives1969]

50 just want to die have health issues

 

[Rushon]

59 and had my prostate cancer come back. Girlfriend could not deal and left. I believe that older people suffer being alone due to health problems, people just do not deal or care about health problems.

 

[TheOA]

40+ here.

First suicide attempt was at age 20, followed by NDE in mid-30's.

The only reason I'm still here is because for years I didn't want life to "beat me".

Now, it doesn't matter and I'm tired. You are not alone.

 

[Polka]

59 and had my prostate cancer come back. Girlfriend could not deal and left.

Until recently I would not have believed how frequently people bail out on each other. At least you get to learn who she really is.

Do you view the cancer as either a relief or a curse?

 

[JustVisiting]

I see a difference in wanting to kill yourself because of suffering from a dysfunctional self as a product of childhood abuse ("young"), versus wanting to kill yourself because you lived on, picked up that you had some issues, so did the hard recovery work, painstakingly weeded out dysfunction and replaced it with healthy stuff (you can now be considered "not young"), only to find that merely having a healthy self doesn't guarantee you will now have an enjoyable, fulfilling, and meaningful existence... it just enables you to have this.

Whether or not you do go on to have one, and so feel amply rewarded for all your difficult recovery work, is in my experience more up to luck and chance than most people would care to admit.

This is what I feel is the dirty secret of recovery.

And it is why I think there can be 2 suicides.

The first is the killing of your dysfunctional self, an unconscious product of your childhood. You kill that with recovery work after realizing "I'm not getting what I want because I'm perceiving the world through the lens of my past "

The second suicide may come after years or decades of recovery, where you realize "I'm still not getting what, even though I've overhauled myself to the Nth degree and mentally and emotionally function quite well." The "myself" here is your functional self, now a conscious product of your self work, and you kill that self with a gun, noose, or whatever.

Recovery requires deeply intense work, struggle, and suffering, always with the encouragement and promises of "Things will get better!"

And that is true. You end up suffering less.

But so what? If you still aren't getting what you want from life, a simple lack of suffering and the ability to accurately perceive yourself, others, and the world, these are very disappointing consolation prizes for doing the blistering and painful work of recovery but still not experiencing a fulfilled, meaningful, and enjoyable life.

This experiental realization - that recovery guarantees mere accurate and clean perceiving of reality, along with effecient self- and other- relating skills, but does NOT guarantee you will achieve your goals and get what you want from life (despite enduring both the suffering of being abused as a child, and the suffering of the related recovery work) - this realization, which gradually emerges over time as you try, try, and then try again, can create unbearable disappointment, anguish, rage, and a deeply profound sense of injustice.

This is something I don't want "young" (pre-recovery) people to hear, because they just might end up having a fulfilled and meaningful life post-recovery, and I want to always be encouraging and supportive of others to go ahead and take on recovery.

Besides, doing the recovery work is a must, because if you don't, you most surely will miss out on leading an enjoyable, meaningful, and fulfilled life.

But - and I say this with great grief - doing it does not guarantee you indeed will go on to lead one.

Wow. I could not have articulated this better. I did all the recovery work, but find myself here.

I'm 21 so I don't fit in the requested age category, but I just wanted to say that it's nice to see that there's also a place here for the "older" people who often think they are too old for these types of websites - which is quite the contrary. I am not going to deny that I have and have had a very hard time in my 21 year old existence, but I also know that in some cases, it's nothing compared to what others (especially older people who therefore have much more experiences and memories and such) experience and/or have experienced. I've read messages here from people who say they've had to live with depression for over twenty years - that's about how long I've been around. It is logical that our thinking patterns and visions of the world differ from each other and that is why it gives a comfortable feeling knowing that you have each other. Nevertheless, feel free to send me a PM if my age doesn't bother you and if I'm making any sense to you (English is my second language) but for now I just wanted to say that I hope you can all find some kind of support and: you are never too old for these types of websites, these thoughts or the need for support (one way or another).

I'm a grown up!

 

[LivingToLong]

Until recently I would not have believed how frequently people bail out on each other. At least you get to learn who she really is.

Tbh, I get it. They did not 'sign up' for it. Sure, you'd like to think that people would hang around to help you but if it means them putting their own lives on hold, or forgetting about any goals they might have, then it is a big ask. For me, it's an added impetus to cbt - I'm a millstone for my partner.

I've documented on here some of the exchanges I've had with my partner and they don't frankly make for comforting reading. It makes them sound horribly uncaring. But I see if from their point of view. They are not a therapist, they've not been trained to help, nor to handle my problems. That wasn't a part of their life's script, their hopes and desires. I drag my partner down. I see that and accept it 100% - cripes, even I don't want to stay with me so I can easily see how they might feel! I don't want to be a burden to anyone, least of all the people I love. If I see that I'm having a negative impact on someone then I feel even less good about myself. It's a snowball effect isn't it?

I have my problems and they have their lives. I shouldn't expect the two to intersect. It is first and foremost my problem. Help (which for me would be nothing more than empathy and concern) would be nice but if it's not there... well, what can you do? You take it into account and take your next step, whatever that might be.

 

[Polka]

but if it means them putting their own lives on hold, or forgetting about any goals they might have, then it is a big ask

I enjoyed reading what you wrote. I understand that it might not be as simple as the other person just 'chooses' to leave the other in the ditch. They might panic or just loose their mind somehow. Maybe they will come back after a rest. However if they left just because it was a hassle or they were not prepared to sacrifice something of value to them then the relationship was a fraud from the start. I know that marriage is effectively over now given the stats but I will always argue from the point of till death do us part. The old timers made it work.

If you cannot trust one another to be there for each other then why bother? But life does not obey these rules and with no fault divorce and the men haters in charge of the circus marriage is finished.

 

[EmptyArms]

I enjoyed reading what you wrote. I understand that it might not be as simple as the other person just 'chooses' to leave the other in the ditch. They might panic or just loose their mind somehow. Maybe they will come back after a rest. However if they left just because it was a hassle or they were not prepared to sacrifice something of value to them then the relationship was a fraud from the start. I know that marriage is effectively over now given the stats but I will always argue from the point of till death do us part. The old timers made it work.

If you cannot trust one another to be there for each other then why bother? But life does not obey these rules and with no fault divorce and the men haters in charge of the circus marriage is finished.

I agree. I'm not just married to my fit, healthy, able bodied husband, because that is how he is. I'm married to who he is. He will be who he is if he gets sick or depressed or his legs fall off. I wont be saying well this isn't what I signed up for, he's screwing up my plans for walking up Kilimanjaro so I'm out of here. Frankly I think that's shallow and somewhat mercenary. Unless the deal from the start was to be here for a good time not a long time.

 

[LivingToLong]

I think relationships come in all shapes and sizes. And, of course, there are so many variables in any relationship that it's difficult to generalise, each is unique.

Unless the deal from the start was to be here for a good time not a long time.

And that'd be one such variable. I'd understand it more in younger couples for example. Where one has 'a life ahead of them'. I figure it's the only life you have and I personally wouldn't like the thought that I've prevented my partner from living theirs. I see that circumstances change and I'd like to think we all have options in how we respond to that.

That said, I am 100% in agreement with you both @Polka and @EmptyArms - you'd want your partner to be a partner for life. I know that was certainly my intention when I got married. I cannot however find it in me to blame anyone for changing their minds - particularly if the circumstances have changed. Maybe you're right Polka, maybe it is more of a modern day attitude and couples in the past did stick together through thick and thin "till death do us part", I really don't know. I certainly know many/most couples did, my parents for instance, but I can't attest to all.

If my partner did want to give up on me then I think (I hope) I would understand that. I certainly wouldn't want them staying out of a sense of obligation, begrudging and resenting me each and every day. I'd feel let down (understatement!) for sure, but I'd hope I'd respect their decision and move on. Not that I could do much else!

 

[Oppenheimer]

40 years here, last 15 years working at a job that I´m good on but left me stressed during the hole week, each day at work is awfull, and people congratulate me all the time for being such a good progessional, it´s absurd. All that saves my mind from collapsing are the weekends and my cat. My dad is OK but not into conversations that are not about soccer or pollitics. My sister is great but she´s living in the other side of this giant country. So it´s movies, my cat and games carryng me on so fat... Thinking about suicide began like at 9 years old. I´m a bomb of stress, sadness and confusion, but I hide all behinde a facade so people think I´m Okay, maibe shy but thats all. What keept me alive all this years was my mentally sick (post-partum depressiom) mother who I had pleasure to try to help anyway I could.

She died very soon after her birthday in 2019. That increased the decaying state of my mental health (with no one at the familly or job noticing, since I still work as a machine, laugh when I should and make the rigth comments.) but her death was like the last string that had me attached to my life. I Bought SN, don´t now when I´ll use lt, but I guess it´s this year. Survivals Guilt is a bitch.

I´m not going to leave any suicide notes, I´m thinking that the time to find the body may remove the strange brown coloration. I do have a 36 years old sister who has a hard time living the life and pretendind is allrigt, but she has a moore nihilistic idea of life, she doens´t give a hoot. SHE will know I CTBd after she notice that 1 of each portrait of people I Drawn were suiciders. She will also note some deleted external HDs and a convinient format on my Laptop. Pretty sure she won´t go around mentioning these things, but she deserves to know.

 

[SpaceForGrace]

45. Mother to two preteen daughters. Wife to a devoted husband. Supporting my aged parents.

Here is my story, if you have time:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/foraging-for-grace.30108/

 

[hershberger]

47. Wow. That seems weird to type, considering I've thought about ctb since I was 16. I had some good times, some bad times, and here I am. Recent circumstances have caused me to think about ctb more often. It's good to know that there are people my age around here who are of a similar mindset.