Venting I may not have the will to ctb anymore

[StrangeAndDeath]

I was planning to ctb this weekend. Actually, I was planning to do it during the week, but someone was depending on me for a very important gig. So, I postponed. My method is supposed to be partial hanging which would probably lead to an unsuccessful attempt. I was prepared for the possibility. I was also determined to go through with it regardless of how much grief I would cause my family.

What I wasn't prepared for was a surge of emotion when I saw a possibly 70 year old woman hawking soft drinks and being very tired. In her face, I saw my mom. If I focus on being successful, I might have a chance to prevent that future from happening to my parents. I'm in a third world country and my parents have no retirement funds anywhere, so if I and my siblings aren't able to take care of my parents, they would suffer. In light of the fact that I don't want my parents to suffer like this, I don't think I'll be able to ctb anymore which sucks cause I very much want to stop existing.

It doesn't help that my nihilistic suicidal mindset saps me of the will to do anything productive. I hate life, but for my family to not suffer, I have to suffer myself. It's just a terrible situation. I had hope and now it's gone. Been a while since I got close to tears

 

[Enemy of Evolution]

I feel you brother. I am also from third world country. We are taught from the very early age to take care of parents and grandparents. Yes it's a form of brainwashing. But what's done is done. It's impossible to come out of responsibility we are born into. This sense of unwanted responsibility gives me lot of anger. An anger which I can't express, but slowly dying inside bit by bit. This kind of helplessness make me weep everytime. I wish an asteroid come this way and give me peace.

 

[icantandiwont]

I know what suffering for other people feels like and it really sucks. I hope things get better for you.

 

[MovingOn]

From the way I see it, you should be able to off load some of your negative thoughts, emotions, etc., to your family if you're this willing to also take care of them. Don't take everything on your own shoulders. And if they're not willing to help you, then you ought not need to feel obligated to help them.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like an awful situation to be in, it must be so hard to deal with. I do get that it's tiring feeling trapped in this world when all that you really wish for is to be gone, having to continue to endure a life that you hate certainly can be so horrible. There really does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this life.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I live in the US and what I can say is that my mother passed-away not too long ago, and I wish she were still around so I could help her and take care of her.

 

[jessisme]

I wish I had the means and/or ability to take care of my mother. Because I am unable to take care of myself she takes care of me. If I were in a position where I could support myself and my mother I would not be suicidal. It's my lack of ability to do this that drives me to seek the end. That among other things but it's a big factor.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

[theboy]

what does it mean ,nihilistic suicidal mentality

wow... your story touched me. Very sad but hopeful at the same time

hope you feel better

 

[StrangeAndDeath]

what does it mean ,nihilistic suicidal mentality

I mean nihilistic like life is pointless. So nihilistic suicidal now is like, "Since life is pointless, I should kill myself to avoid all the unnecessary struggles that life throws our way"

From the way I see it, you should be able to off load some of your negative thoughts, emotions, etc., to your family if you're this willing to also take care of them. Don't take everything on your own shoulders. And if they're not willing to help you, then you ought not need to feel obligated to help them.

I'm not sure what you mean...

wow... your story touched me. Very sad but hopeful at the same time

hope you feel better

Thanks

I wish I had the means and/or ability to take care of my mother. Because I am unable to take care of myself she takes care of me. If I were in a position where I could support myself and my mother I would not be suicidal. It's my lack of ability to do this that drives me to seek the end. That among other things but it's a big factor.

That's sad. I'm sorry about that

 

[theboy]

I mean nihilistic like life is pointless. So nihilistic suicidal now is like, "Since life is pointless, I should kill myself to avoid all the unnecessary struggles that life throws our way"

I'm not sure what you mean...

Thanks

That's sad. I'm sorry about that

Good point!