SomewhatLoved
Bringing out the Dead and Searching for the Living
- Apr 12, 2023
- 278
I'm sure this is quite a common sentiment. I feel suicidal, depressed, and it seems like I almost compulsively try to tell myself it will get better for X or Y reason, but it doesn't.
When I was in elementary school I did it. I was being bullied and I thought I would be happy once I went to jr high/middle school. Wasn't happy. Told myself it would get better in high school. Again, it didn't. Then graduation, then university, then graduating from university, then I told myself my first job in my field would make me happy. Spoiler alert, but it didn't. In March I started planning to kill myself on April 9th or 10th. Obviously I'm still here so I didn't do it - part of the reason why is because my mom is leaving on a trip in the next few days and I didn't want to ruin that for her so I thought I would wait.
I keep up a series of goals to make my life feel less empty, even if they don't really make me feel any better. While my mom is gone and into the time when she comes back I'm supposed to be taking a few continuing education courses to further myself as a professional, learning to ride a motorcycle (taking a course), etc. I figured I would make the most of my time and try to keep living instead of just spending a few weeks tucked away in my room doing nothing and waiting for my moment where I can CTB without unnecessarily hurting or inconveniencing people around me. I even bought a bunch of modelling supplies and a model car kit because I've wanted to try doing that for some time. Part of me even starting to look towards it all and think "hey, maybe I'll get better this time" but I just still feel so depressed. It's like once I actually made the decision to "keep living" all the joy dropped out of it.
I don't even understand why it's like this. I think maybe it's some sort of survival mechanism, but it's been like 11 (almost 12) years now and I just feel like I keep getting worse. Even before I decided to keep living, in those moments where I was contemplating making these plans I would think to myself "there's no way building a model car or taking a course would actually make me so happy". It just didn't make sense, it's illogical. I think even the biggest motorcycle fans or model car builders would still be sad doing their hobby if every other part of their life made them feel dissatisfied, so why would my life be any different.
Even now I find myself thinking about things further in the future, but I know it's just become a cycle and even I find it hard to believe myself with these things anymore. How will applying to a job a little further up the chain make me any happier, when I don't even really like my job.
I think it has to do with fear of dying. I think I also maybe have imposter syndrome regarding my suicidality, because growing up I was never really able to talk about my emotions so I created this outward front where I seemed like I was doing ok even though inside I was hurting.
I just want it to be over. Life keeps dragging me down the road and it doesn't stop no matter how badly I want it to, so I think I'll just have to muster the strength to CTB sometime this summer/fall or see where it drags me.
When I was in elementary school I did it. I was being bullied and I thought I would be happy once I went to jr high/middle school. Wasn't happy. Told myself it would get better in high school. Again, it didn't. Then graduation, then university, then graduating from university, then I told myself my first job in my field would make me happy. Spoiler alert, but it didn't. In March I started planning to kill myself on April 9th or 10th. Obviously I'm still here so I didn't do it - part of the reason why is because my mom is leaving on a trip in the next few days and I didn't want to ruin that for her so I thought I would wait.
I keep up a series of goals to make my life feel less empty, even if they don't really make me feel any better. While my mom is gone and into the time when she comes back I'm supposed to be taking a few continuing education courses to further myself as a professional, learning to ride a motorcycle (taking a course), etc. I figured I would make the most of my time and try to keep living instead of just spending a few weeks tucked away in my room doing nothing and waiting for my moment where I can CTB without unnecessarily hurting or inconveniencing people around me. I even bought a bunch of modelling supplies and a model car kit because I've wanted to try doing that for some time. Part of me even starting to look towards it all and think "hey, maybe I'll get better this time" but I just still feel so depressed. It's like once I actually made the decision to "keep living" all the joy dropped out of it.
I don't even understand why it's like this. I think maybe it's some sort of survival mechanism, but it's been like 11 (almost 12) years now and I just feel like I keep getting worse. Even before I decided to keep living, in those moments where I was contemplating making these plans I would think to myself "there's no way building a model car or taking a course would actually make me so happy". It just didn't make sense, it's illogical. I think even the biggest motorcycle fans or model car builders would still be sad doing their hobby if every other part of their life made them feel dissatisfied, so why would my life be any different.
Even now I find myself thinking about things further in the future, but I know it's just become a cycle and even I find it hard to believe myself with these things anymore. How will applying to a job a little further up the chain make me any happier, when I don't even really like my job.
I think it has to do with fear of dying. I think I also maybe have imposter syndrome regarding my suicidality, because growing up I was never really able to talk about my emotions so I created this outward front where I seemed like I was doing ok even though inside I was hurting.
I just want it to be over. Life keeps dragging me down the road and it doesn't stop no matter how badly I want it to, so I think I'll just have to muster the strength to CTB sometime this summer/fall or see where it drags me.
