Title. I just can't cut it anymore. No matter how hard I try, I just keep fucking it all up. I'm lazy, I'm irresponsible, I'm unreliable, I have no discipline, and I'm just actually incompetent at everything that matters.
I've dropped out of college thrice because I'm just not good enough. The local community college doesn't even want me anymore, so I couldn't try again even if I had the money to. The last time I dropped out was in 2021. I just needed to power through one more term. I already had an accepted transfer request from a college I actually kind of wanted to go to, but instead, I fuck it up as I always do. Looking back, I feel like that's when I gave up on some lower level. I kept working my job, telling myself that I'm saving up for another try, but, really, I couldn't even sign up for any classes anymore, so what the hell was the point.
At the beginning of this year, I was laid off from my job, and I think that's when I actually gave up. I wish I could say I'm proud of my work, but I'm really not. Around 8 years ago, I started out as a dishwasher, then they taught me how to roll sushi to fill in the gaps. Problem is, I don't have the experience everyone else I worked with did. I learned from scratch and never actually went to culinary, and it shows. So, when the restaurant was sold last year, I wasn't surprised that I was let go a year later. Just cutting out the weak links.
I don't ever want to work in a kitchen again and I don't even have the skills to keep doing it if I was thick skinned enough to stomach it. Looking back, I was 100% overpaid. I've been unemployed since then. I already know that I don't want to start over in another minimum wage job getting yelled at by some manager or customer over things I can't control. Maybe, when I was younger, when I could power through anything you threw at me, but, now, I just can't summon up the will to do anything about it anymore.
I'm over $10,000 in the red. That's credit card debt, overdue payments, utilities, HOA fees, and all sorts of stuff I've stopped looking at. All of my cards have declined, and my fridge is pretty much empty. I've just been letting myself waste away, and I still can't sum up any willpower to do anything about it. I no longer have any survival instinct trying to work the problem. I've just completely, and utterly, given up.
I'm 29 now and I feel like I've missed out on the best years of my life with nothing to show for it. Why the fuck didn't I party more if I was just gonna end up like this? What the hell was the point of putting in all-nighters and working from dusk to dawn if it all just ended in failure? What in the actual fuck is the point of knowing multivariable calculus if none of it actually ever gets used in the real world?
Things just aren't getting better, and I don't think they ever will be. I'm living in constant regret of the things I've missed out on; should've, would've, could've. I'm in constant fear of what's going to happen.
Honestly, I'm just tired of it all. I give it my all, 100%, but it's not nearly enough. It never is. The honest truth is that I'm not very good at what I do. I'm honestly not very good at anything, really. Everything I try or do always ends up in smoke. I'm at the point now where I can't even bring myself to try anymore. I've already fucked up enough times that I know how it's all gonna end. I'm not Sisyphus. I've done it enough times. I can barely muster up the energy when I already know how it's all gonna end.
The problem is me. I'm the only variable that doesn't change. I am a fundamentally broken failure of a person, and that's fine. I just have to come to terms with it. I'm tired of worthless platitudes. I don't need anyone to lie to me and say that everything's gonna be okay. I'm just opening up my eyes to the harsh reality. I don't know how to support myself. I don't know how to take care of myself. I really just don't belong in this world at all. Yeah, I know it's not my fault that I'm this way, but it is my responsibility to deal with it.
I hate, loathe, and absolutely detest myself and what I've become. I'm so tired of it all that I don't even have the energy to properly finish writing all of this. A part of me feels that it's all pointless and there's no point to any of this anyway, but another part just wants to grasp at anything that might let me turn this life of mine around. I don't know if this is supposed to be my final, angry letter to the world, or if it's the last, desperate cry for help. One way or another, I just want to stop being tired of my life.
I've dropped out of college thrice because I'm just not good enough. The local community college doesn't even want me anymore, so I couldn't try again even if I had the money to. The last time I dropped out was in 2021. I just needed to power through one more term. I already had an accepted transfer request from a college I actually kind of wanted to go to, but instead, I fuck it up as I always do. Looking back, I feel like that's when I gave up on some lower level. I kept working my job, telling myself that I'm saving up for another try, but, really, I couldn't even sign up for any classes anymore, so what the hell was the point.
At the beginning of this year, I was laid off from my job, and I think that's when I actually gave up. I wish I could say I'm proud of my work, but I'm really not. Around 8 years ago, I started out as a dishwasher, then they taught me how to roll sushi to fill in the gaps. Problem is, I don't have the experience everyone else I worked with did. I learned from scratch and never actually went to culinary, and it shows. So, when the restaurant was sold last year, I wasn't surprised that I was let go a year later. Just cutting out the weak links.
I don't ever want to work in a kitchen again and I don't even have the skills to keep doing it if I was thick skinned enough to stomach it. Looking back, I was 100% overpaid. I've been unemployed since then. I already know that I don't want to start over in another minimum wage job getting yelled at by some manager or customer over things I can't control. Maybe, when I was younger, when I could power through anything you threw at me, but, now, I just can't summon up the will to do anything about it anymore.
I'm over $10,000 in the red. That's credit card debt, overdue payments, utilities, HOA fees, and all sorts of stuff I've stopped looking at. All of my cards have declined, and my fridge is pretty much empty. I've just been letting myself waste away, and I still can't sum up any willpower to do anything about it. I no longer have any survival instinct trying to work the problem. I've just completely, and utterly, given up.
I'm 29 now and I feel like I've missed out on the best years of my life with nothing to show for it. Why the fuck didn't I party more if I was just gonna end up like this? What the hell was the point of putting in all-nighters and working from dusk to dawn if it all just ended in failure? What in the actual fuck is the point of knowing multivariable calculus if none of it actually ever gets used in the real world?
Things just aren't getting better, and I don't think they ever will be. I'm living in constant regret of the things I've missed out on; should've, would've, could've. I'm in constant fear of what's going to happen.
Honestly, I'm just tired of it all. I give it my all, 100%, but it's not nearly enough. It never is. The honest truth is that I'm not very good at what I do. I'm honestly not very good at anything, really. Everything I try or do always ends up in smoke. I'm at the point now where I can't even bring myself to try anymore. I've already fucked up enough times that I know how it's all gonna end. I'm not Sisyphus. I've done it enough times. I can barely muster up the energy when I already know how it's all gonna end.
The problem is me. I'm the only variable that doesn't change. I am a fundamentally broken failure of a person, and that's fine. I just have to come to terms with it. I'm tired of worthless platitudes. I don't need anyone to lie to me and say that everything's gonna be okay. I'm just opening up my eyes to the harsh reality. I don't know how to support myself. I don't know how to take care of myself. I really just don't belong in this world at all. Yeah, I know it's not my fault that I'm this way, but it is my responsibility to deal with it.
I hate, loathe, and absolutely detest myself and what I've become. I'm so tired of it all that I don't even have the energy to properly finish writing all of this. A part of me feels that it's all pointless and there's no point to any of this anyway, but another part just wants to grasp at anything that might let me turn this life of mine around. I don't know if this is supposed to be my final, angry letter to the world, or if it's the last, desperate cry for help. One way or another, I just want to stop being tired of my life.
