nitrogen
Schrödinger's cat
- Nov 5, 2019
- 339
Hello folks. I've been contemplating suicide every single day for the past ten years. I just turned 31. I'm certain I'll end my life. I just don't know when it will happen - it depends on when my parents and my husband will pass. I'm still around because I don't want to ruin my loved ones' lives.
From the outside, I should have every reason to be happy - a good marriage, financially well off, loved ones still around, physically healthy, can work if I want to but don't need to work if I don't want to, grew up in a loving family, being smart and good-looking, etc - it's that top 1% life that most people wish for but can't have.
I've been thinking hard about what keeps people going. The answer I've come up with is "hopes to achieve certain goals with the belief that those goals are attainable" and "most people's inability to accurately predict how happy they'll be in the future based on what's happening to them." I also can't help wonder why people like Anthony Boudain, Kate Spade and Robin Williams committed suicide, and why that woman named one of Atlanta's most powerful and influential woman of 2019 killed her two adult children before turning the gun on herself.
Here's a good metaphor: people are like donkeys. A stick is tied to the bridle of a donkey so that it extends above and in front of the animal's head, and the carrot hangs on a string from the far end of the stick, just out of reach of its mouth. Attracted by the sight and smell, the donkey steps forward to bite at the carrot, but as it is attached to the stick, the carrot also moves forward and remains out of reach. The donkey repeats the same ineffective strategy ad infinitum, thereby pulling or carrying whatever or whomever it's laden with. The carrot is common life goals such as owning a home free and clear, having a stable well paying job, finding true love, etc.
It's easy to understand why people who struggle to make ends meet and those with crappy upbringing want to end their existence. They're probably at the brink of collapsing on the ground from all the weight they've been carrying. Even if they want to eat the carrot, they're too exhausted to move forward.
There are also people like me on the opposite end of the spectrum who've tasted all the carrots they wanted. They realize the carrots don't taste as good as they expected. The joy from eating the carrots fades after a while. They don't have particularly strong greed and vanity so they don't really desire more or bigger carrots.
Most people fall in the middle of the spectrum, setting one life goal after another and focus on achieving those goals. Some people are so goal-oriented that they don't bother to self reflect and think about the meaning of life.
I recently watched a Yale University lecture about scientific research on happiness. Many of the results are interesting and counter-intuitive. The studies reveal that people radically overestimate the effects of many life events. Some events feel really big when they happen, but after 6 months or a year later, people adapt and their happiness level goes back to the previous level, which is the idea of "hedonic treadmill" (you keep on running, but no matter how fast you run, you stay where you are). We think those events would have permanent and profound effects but they often don't. There's even a technical term for this: affective forecasting, which most of us are bad at doing. Another interesting finding is that our happiness level is rather fixed, in part genetically, in part we get used to what happens in our lives.
I bet I'm genetically predisposed to depression and suicide - my maternal grandma hung herself.
Some people conduct their lives according to religious doctrines. I think the popular religions and scientific theories might provide a piece of the puzzle, a sneak peek of the reality, but none provides the full picture. Given how religions are also tied to politics, atrocities have been committed in the name of religion, how humans possess limited knowledge of the cosmos and how consciousness can arise out of something unconscious, etc, I remain agnostic. I don't judge anyone being religious but I can't fully adopt any belief system either. Me being a brain in a jar or in a simulation run by an advanced civilization is also plausible.
I lack some instincts that the majority of my fellow humans possess, such as maternal instinct and survival instinct. I gave birth to my first child two years ago. She's sensitive and timid in nature, but overall healthy. I've been struggling to bond with her. I wish she does not exist and I love my cat more than her. I never liked children - I find them too loud, messy, boring, needy, repetitive, and stupid. My mom told me my maternal instinct would kick in once I give birth and said I would feel differently about my own child vs other ppl's children - not in my case. Spending time with my toddler is an unpleasant chore.
I'm on the antidepressant, Lexapro, taking the max dose. It takes some edges off and reduces my impulses. But it's at best a bandage over a wound. Me ending my life won't be an impulsive decision. No medication, no therapists, no helplines can change my view on life in general.
My deepest fears are there's an afterlife, reincarnation, and physical pain. I imagine when my loved ones pass, I'd be devastated and feel part of me die with them, but at the same time, I'd feel relieved that one fewer person will trap me in this world.
I have this feeling that my soul (if there's one) is a slave/prisoner to my genetic materials that just want to be replicated and passed down.
I also feel that there's a ceiling for happiness. Once past that ceiling, too much happiness turns into pain, but there's no limit to mental agony. When I learned about the different substances and drugs in medical school, the effects they create are often compared with orgasm. For instance, the euphoria people feel on heroin is about 250 times stronger than orgasm. I'm not sure how that's measured since euphoria is a subjective experience and can't really be calibrated. Anyway, I remember feeling euphoric from acid trips. It was so intense that I couldn't take it. It makes sense. Orgasms typically last a short time and feel good, but imagine having a 4 hr orgasm - that would be exhausting.
I'm able to feel joy. But I'd readily give up the opportunities of feeling joy in exchange for not being able to feel any pain. There's more joy than pain in my life right now, but I want to feel zero pain.
I passed out from alcohol poisoning about 13 years ago. It was an accident, not a suicide attempt. I was rushed to the ER and had my stomach pumped, put on a ventilator. The last thing I remembered before I woke up from the ER was me falling asleep on my bed. No pain felt before and during my blackout. I hope a successfully executed suicide will feel the same. I haven't decided on a method. I don't have a substance abuse problem. I barely drink any alcohol; I went on acid trips and smoked weed a couple of times but never got addicted.
I'd be interested in hearing stories from suicidal people who have a "perfect" life and their take on the meaning of life and their future plans.
From the outside, I should have every reason to be happy - a good marriage, financially well off, loved ones still around, physically healthy, can work if I want to but don't need to work if I don't want to, grew up in a loving family, being smart and good-looking, etc - it's that top 1% life that most people wish for but can't have.
I've been thinking hard about what keeps people going. The answer I've come up with is "hopes to achieve certain goals with the belief that those goals are attainable" and "most people's inability to accurately predict how happy they'll be in the future based on what's happening to them." I also can't help wonder why people like Anthony Boudain, Kate Spade and Robin Williams committed suicide, and why that woman named one of Atlanta's most powerful and influential woman of 2019 killed her two adult children before turning the gun on herself.
Here's a good metaphor: people are like donkeys. A stick is tied to the bridle of a donkey so that it extends above and in front of the animal's head, and the carrot hangs on a string from the far end of the stick, just out of reach of its mouth. Attracted by the sight and smell, the donkey steps forward to bite at the carrot, but as it is attached to the stick, the carrot also moves forward and remains out of reach. The donkey repeats the same ineffective strategy ad infinitum, thereby pulling or carrying whatever or whomever it's laden with. The carrot is common life goals such as owning a home free and clear, having a stable well paying job, finding true love, etc.
It's easy to understand why people who struggle to make ends meet and those with crappy upbringing want to end their existence. They're probably at the brink of collapsing on the ground from all the weight they've been carrying. Even if they want to eat the carrot, they're too exhausted to move forward.
There are also people like me on the opposite end of the spectrum who've tasted all the carrots they wanted. They realize the carrots don't taste as good as they expected. The joy from eating the carrots fades after a while. They don't have particularly strong greed and vanity so they don't really desire more or bigger carrots.
Most people fall in the middle of the spectrum, setting one life goal after another and focus on achieving those goals. Some people are so goal-oriented that they don't bother to self reflect and think about the meaning of life.
I recently watched a Yale University lecture about scientific research on happiness. Many of the results are interesting and counter-intuitive. The studies reveal that people radically overestimate the effects of many life events. Some events feel really big when they happen, but after 6 months or a year later, people adapt and their happiness level goes back to the previous level, which is the idea of "hedonic treadmill" (you keep on running, but no matter how fast you run, you stay where you are). We think those events would have permanent and profound effects but they often don't. There's even a technical term for this: affective forecasting, which most of us are bad at doing. Another interesting finding is that our happiness level is rather fixed, in part genetically, in part we get used to what happens in our lives.
I bet I'm genetically predisposed to depression and suicide - my maternal grandma hung herself.
Some people conduct their lives according to religious doctrines. I think the popular religions and scientific theories might provide a piece of the puzzle, a sneak peek of the reality, but none provides the full picture. Given how religions are also tied to politics, atrocities have been committed in the name of religion, how humans possess limited knowledge of the cosmos and how consciousness can arise out of something unconscious, etc, I remain agnostic. I don't judge anyone being religious but I can't fully adopt any belief system either. Me being a brain in a jar or in a simulation run by an advanced civilization is also plausible.
I lack some instincts that the majority of my fellow humans possess, such as maternal instinct and survival instinct. I gave birth to my first child two years ago. She's sensitive and timid in nature, but overall healthy. I've been struggling to bond with her. I wish she does not exist and I love my cat more than her. I never liked children - I find them too loud, messy, boring, needy, repetitive, and stupid. My mom told me my maternal instinct would kick in once I give birth and said I would feel differently about my own child vs other ppl's children - not in my case. Spending time with my toddler is an unpleasant chore.
I'm on the antidepressant, Lexapro, taking the max dose. It takes some edges off and reduces my impulses. But it's at best a bandage over a wound. Me ending my life won't be an impulsive decision. No medication, no therapists, no helplines can change my view on life in general.
My deepest fears are there's an afterlife, reincarnation, and physical pain. I imagine when my loved ones pass, I'd be devastated and feel part of me die with them, but at the same time, I'd feel relieved that one fewer person will trap me in this world.
I have this feeling that my soul (if there's one) is a slave/prisoner to my genetic materials that just want to be replicated and passed down.
I also feel that there's a ceiling for happiness. Once past that ceiling, too much happiness turns into pain, but there's no limit to mental agony. When I learned about the different substances and drugs in medical school, the effects they create are often compared with orgasm. For instance, the euphoria people feel on heroin is about 250 times stronger than orgasm. I'm not sure how that's measured since euphoria is a subjective experience and can't really be calibrated. Anyway, I remember feeling euphoric from acid trips. It was so intense that I couldn't take it. It makes sense. Orgasms typically last a short time and feel good, but imagine having a 4 hr orgasm - that would be exhausting.
I'm able to feel joy. But I'd readily give up the opportunities of feeling joy in exchange for not being able to feel any pain. There's more joy than pain in my life right now, but I want to feel zero pain.
I passed out from alcohol poisoning about 13 years ago. It was an accident, not a suicide attempt. I was rushed to the ER and had my stomach pumped, put on a ventilator. The last thing I remembered before I woke up from the ER was me falling asleep on my bed. No pain felt before and during my blackout. I hope a successfully executed suicide will feel the same. I haven't decided on a method. I don't have a substance abuse problem. I barely drink any alcohol; I went on acid trips and smoked weed a couple of times but never got addicted.
I'd be interested in hearing stories from suicidal people who have a "perfect" life and their take on the meaning of life and their future plans.
