Venting i feel stuck

[ilovejellyfish99]

I dont know what to do anymore, i hate my life and ive struggled with my mental health for as long as i can remember. Recently, i was forced into therapy bc of cutting and it is just a big waste of time because i have no intent on stopping so i just sit there and lie. But honestly cutting isnt really a big deal to me, it is just something i do when im sad or just bored, its just like a for fun kind of thing, i guess, i just like doing it. But ive hated my life for years and i hate myself and i just dont see it getting better and i just feel stuck. Like nothing helps me because I also just dont care about anything. i do nothing with my life and i am on and off about killing myself. Like, i feel stuck because i know i will never have the balls to do it, but other times i feel like i really could and find comfort that i can just take myself out. Which, is how i feel right now. I am kind of set on killing myself but again... i feel stuck because i am going to feel so horrible and guilty. I dont have any trauma or serious problems. I have a family who cares about me and stuff anf thats what makes me feel bad. Though, i am not close with anyone, not my family, nobody. We never really showed affection to each other or said i love you, gave hugs, none of that. I dont feel any connection with anybody in my life and cant imagine myself form any, or be loved. I guess i just dont know what to do. None of this probably makes sense but i am tired of writing in a journal and having nobody that i feel comfortable talking to. I just want a response.

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

Don't lie to the therapist about your intensions and feelings. Be absolutely honest about everything when you're there. Even if you have to write down what you wrote in your post here and read it to them. It might just help.

 

[disordered_carat]

You honestly worded it so perfectly. Sorry for venting under your vent, but I resonate so deeply with what you're saying. I, too, just feel stuck, like regardless of what I do, I'll always just be looking forward to the day I cease to exist, while also knowing I don't have the balls to do it myself. In a sense, it is truly reassuring to know that if I ever do decide I've had enough, I can always just do it. At the end of the day, feelings aside, the choice is mine to make. I've been to countless therapists since I was eleven and have been on antidepressants on and off for the last five years with little to no change. It's sort of like I don't care enough about anything to truly put in any more effort to get better, but I just can't keep living like this. It's an endless cycle of knowing that one day I'll take myself out, so there's no point in even trying anymore, while simultaneously feeling slight relief and hope here and there. It's reassuring to hear from someone else that even with a supportive family and without having any outstanding trauma or problems, SI is a constant.