Venting I feel so utterly hopeless

[EmpressDean]

I keep telling myself I will kms. I'm 29 and will be turning 30 in December. I have been so alone most of my life. I rarely have social plans unless it's with my sister that she takes me with her. I can't take care of myself. I still struggle how to cook chicken soup, stir fry, and other meals. My mind is a constant black hole and I just can't rub any brain cells together at all. I'm so defeated. I have tried Concerta, Ritalin, Modafinil, and straterra and idk the first time I tried adderal I just kept focusing on my daydreams and stuff. I've been living in Alaska with my parents for 2 yrs unemployed because my depression got so bad all I do is cry. I got into Medicare or whatever and saw a psychiatrist begging her to help me get stimulants like Vyvanse but she wouldn't give it to me because I never did the neuropsych test but no one is doing them with Medicaid and such. I tried getting this test done in Oregon too (cuz my sister lives here) and I just can't seem to get it? I saw a psychologist once many years ago and said I could possible have adhd but that's it. But yet somehow this test didn't show up anywhere. I'm currently looking at these tests in Oregon and they are 3 grand. And what if I did do the test? What if I paid for it out of pocket? Would that even help me? I can't even find a healthcare provider in Oregon near me to help me get back on antidepressants. I'm suffering so much inside from the isolation and failure of doing everything wrong. And for the past 2 years at my parents, I have been very honest to them and let them know I am suicidal and they have known this for years. But it's so bad all I do is cry. I actually went into a psychosis because of my isolation. I don't have anyone to see in Alaska or Oregon. Ima o very alone it's painful. My parents cry and tell me I am fucking selfish for wanting to kms and then I feel super guilty because I will hurt them. But I am suffering sooo much. I don't know how to be human. I don't know how to create relationships it's like I'm so stupid. I feel like I don't have this emotional bandwidth for it. I don't know how to have a conversation. And my job gaps are a lot. Idk how I am going to survive. My sister and parents tell me to stop worrying about jobs and stuff but then they also tell me I have to figure it out at the same time? I can never make more rehab $16 hr. I can't move up anywhere. I'm always struggling to get jobs and then keep them and go anywhere. I'm so sick of it. I'm stuggling from loneliness and what I will do with my life. And yet my parents want me to keep trying. All I do is cry and cry. I feel so broken and empty inside. It's so painful. I'm going to be in Alaska until May I guess for some stuff. But after that, idk what I can do. I can never get jobs. I just keep screwing up. I wonder if I will finally get past the guilt of hurting my family and die in the fall….
If I kms, my mom will die. And then my dad. They are close to 60. My sisters will be suicidal and so will my nieces. I'm such a fuckup. I just don't know how to do better. Everyone i see around me is doing so good and I keep wondering why do I keep fucking up my life.