i feel like im lying to myself

[i wanna be a cat]

i wanted to ctb since i was like 14 but i never had a plan or resources.
now i actually have stuff ready and have a plan.

but why do i feel like im never gonna ctb? i think its very visible to people around me that i started acting differently, im showing signs that i didn't even realise im showing until yesterday so why do i still feel like im lying to myself, like i will never do it.
i feel like im just gonna keep changing my planned ctb date, i don't wanna keep waiting, if i fail my attempt i know im gonna be scared to try again soon after and will wait again.
its still hard for me to accept that im gonna be gone for real, so maybe im still just scared of actually dying?

 

[impossible]

don't rush yourself to CTB. try not to stress about when you will do it, have faith that you will know when the time is right. that might be a year from now, or even longer. there is no rush. for this reason, I wouldn't have an exact date planned because it's just going to cause unnecessary stress if you don't feel ready when the day comes.

 

[numbed one]

Same hère , i've been taking treatment for 3 years , and sudenly thèse days i've noticed that i was just lying to myself with false hopes , so i'm back on suicide .