The Disqualified
Disqualified as a Human Being
- Feb 4, 2023
- 279
I feel like a complete, permanent outcast of society.
Even here in Sasu I feel like an outcast among outcasts. My mental illness made me live a very isolated childhood. I was severely mocked and excluded for the way I am.
That made me bitter and hurt deeply. Family, school, peers etc. traumatized me and I have become resentful of them.
I am simply a complete failure and an outcast.
I don't know what is the point of living at this point.
What will I do? Find a job? Work? What is the point of all of that? I keep asking myself these kind of questions...
I lost my childhood and teenage years to this illness. My choices were horrible, but also my passivity and lack of choosing to change things just dug the hole deeper.
I keep trying and improving myself, but what is the point of it all?
I feel like I started life yesterday, while the whole world had been going on without me.
I feel so completely detached from the rest of the human species that I don't even know what I am anymore.
People's lives are so alien to me. I am a complete loser who was drowned in anxiety and depression while the world was moving.
Even suicidal people seem to have much more eventful and joyful lives than mine. I try to be empathetic, but have a hard time understanding why some people who seem to have everything going on for them (lots of friends, a loving family, love, money, community, etc.) still think suicide is the best option for them.
My apparent reinsertion into society (talking with others, listening to their experiences and lives, seeing them from up close) has been even more painful than my isolation ever was.
I can't believe these people are real. I don't even care sometimes if they find me rude or weird when I talk to them, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It is just that I've gone through so much that I can't put up with farcicality anymore. I just say things.
No one in person knows who I am like. I despise what I have to do, and I often feel disgusted looking back at the lengths I have gone through to try to get approval from the outside world.
The outside world is a place I resent, but it is the place where all the happy people are — you can't be happy alone and hurt.
The more I look around, the more I feel like a failure, a complete outcast.
I truly feel like an outcast. I alternate between feeling superior and inferior to others.
I don't know where this will end, but I have been holding on for longer than most would ever do. I've seen people around me fall into all sorts of holes, but I am still standing.
It is remarkable, really. Some years ago, I didn't even think I would be alive right now. I have been suicidal for a long time.
I know people in real life wouldn't care; they all see me as a jester anyway.
There is no point to this charade.
I feel like a victim, but also feel like I have the agency and the responsibility to do something better.
I am responsible for my own life, but I also am bitter against the outside world.
School, especially, was absolute hell for me: no place ever traumatized me as much as that place — even the teachers mocked me in front of everyone.
I feel empathy for people. I can feel their sadness inside my chest, but I don't know where to go from there.
I feel like a lost soul — I need to find my path.
I need to escape from this bitterness, or else I will be just like them.
I can't live like this forever.
Thanks for listening.
Even here in Sasu I feel like an outcast among outcasts. My mental illness made me live a very isolated childhood. I was severely mocked and excluded for the way I am.
That made me bitter and hurt deeply. Family, school, peers etc. traumatized me and I have become resentful of them.
I am simply a complete failure and an outcast.
I don't know what is the point of living at this point.
What will I do? Find a job? Work? What is the point of all of that? I keep asking myself these kind of questions...
I lost my childhood and teenage years to this illness. My choices were horrible, but also my passivity and lack of choosing to change things just dug the hole deeper.
I keep trying and improving myself, but what is the point of it all?
I feel like I started life yesterday, while the whole world had been going on without me.
I feel so completely detached from the rest of the human species that I don't even know what I am anymore.
People's lives are so alien to me. I am a complete loser who was drowned in anxiety and depression while the world was moving.
Even suicidal people seem to have much more eventful and joyful lives than mine. I try to be empathetic, but have a hard time understanding why some people who seem to have everything going on for them (lots of friends, a loving family, love, money, community, etc.) still think suicide is the best option for them.
My apparent reinsertion into society (talking with others, listening to their experiences and lives, seeing them from up close) has been even more painful than my isolation ever was.
I can't believe these people are real. I don't even care sometimes if they find me rude or weird when I talk to them, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It is just that I've gone through so much that I can't put up with farcicality anymore. I just say things.
No one in person knows who I am like. I despise what I have to do, and I often feel disgusted looking back at the lengths I have gone through to try to get approval from the outside world.
The outside world is a place I resent, but it is the place where all the happy people are — you can't be happy alone and hurt.
The more I look around, the more I feel like a failure, a complete outcast.
I truly feel like an outcast. I alternate between feeling superior and inferior to others.
I don't know where this will end, but I have been holding on for longer than most would ever do. I've seen people around me fall into all sorts of holes, but I am still standing.
It is remarkable, really. Some years ago, I didn't even think I would be alive right now. I have been suicidal for a long time.
I know people in real life wouldn't care; they all see me as a jester anyway.
There is no point to this charade.
I feel like a victim, but also feel like I have the agency and the responsibility to do something better.
I am responsible for my own life, but I also am bitter against the outside world.
School, especially, was absolute hell for me: no place ever traumatized me as much as that place — even the teachers mocked me in front of everyone.
I feel empathy for people. I can feel their sadness inside my chest, but I don't know where to go from there.
I feel like a lost soul — I need to find my path.
I need to escape from this bitterness, or else I will be just like them.
I can't live like this forever.
Thanks for listening.
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