Venting I feel like a living ghost

[BlueButterfly111]

I might as well already be dead, nobody cares about me, I always get ignored. I feel like a broken record at this point, it hurts, but at the same time I'm used to it.

Just so disappointed that the Sn hasn't even arrived yet, like wtf. I don't even know what to say anymore. Life was beautiful and filled with love, just a year ago, but of course that wouldn't last. The only person who made me feel loved and cared for, dead. Why won't the universe just let me die too? I feel like an empty shell of a person that I was last year.

I have feelings now of was it all even real? Did I do something wrong? What did I do to deserve that besides just loving him? What did I do wrong? Now I'm just here alone with my thoughts.

There's literally nothing for me to do here, I just feel empty and bored here.

 

[fairytale]

You don't deserve this. Bad things just happen. It was all real, and it was all true. You can live for these memories or end it all. The choice is yours. The only thing the universe gives is choice, and only you decide how to use your inherent right.

 

[sadalways]

You didn't do anything wrong, world is just fucked up at times. And unfair.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

You don't deserve this. Bad things just happen. It was all real, and it was all true. You can live for these memories or end it all. The choice is yours. The only thing the universe gives is choice, and only you decide how to use your inherent right.

When I say the universe, I'm talking about my Sn not arriving after over a month. I've already made my choice, I want to die. But thank you.

 

[fairytale]

When I say the universe, I'm talking about my Sn not arriving after over a month.

It's a coincidence, not a sign.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

It's a coincidence, not a sign.

Sure, but most people received it in 2 weeks or less. And I take signs from the universe, so I thought that it could've been a sign. Just hoping that it arrives soon.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Once again you've read my mind! Just last night I was grappling with how none of this feels real. In the first few days following my partner's death, I was deluding myself into thinking he would turn up at my door, call me, message me, that it was all just a silly joke that got out of hand. But as the weeks have gone by it gets harder to maintain that fantasy. Reality is setting in, but it still doesn't feel real. It's like living in a dream that you're desperately trying to wake up from, vehemently refusing to accept it is real life. I'm losing my mind.

These emotions are absolutely pushing me towards CTB. No more hesitance, the date is set.