Venting I feel guilty

[MidnightCat]

I'm actually living a nightmare.

I hate myself pretty deeply. I cannot stop my mind going 100% and telling me I'm useless, an idiot, waste of oxygen.

I'm really confused. I think I could be a little bit better if I could start self harming away. If I cannot hurt myself I can only die for my sins.

And yet, my biggest sin is existing.

And I feel really guilty for those who love me. My parents are not by any stretch perfect, but they have their own problems and yet... They had to have a depressive suicidal son.

My wife is a really caring person, we've been together for the last 7 years. She's been there every day the last 2 years when my depression worsened and I started to being unable to work or be useful. Still trying her best.

And I cannot sleep a single night without thinking about suicide for hours.


I feel horrible for what I do to them. They do not deserve a failure like myself. And yet... It's unbearable.


I might be able to bear it if I can damage myself... But that is impossible to do without leaving scars... Which would hurt my wife even more.

I know I'm supposedly sick. That depression is not that different from a broken leg. And I couldn't walk with a broken leg... But sounds like an excuse to me.

I'm desperate, I'm selfish, I'm lost...

I really don't know how to handle all of this.

 

[jodes2]

Don't be hard on yourself! You're going through a lot. I doubt you're as much work for others as you think I'm sure they appreciate you in their lives

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing certainly can be torture and it does sound very tiring what you have to endure, but anyway I wish you the best.