I "failed" (I backed out)

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

I set it all up perfectly. I left my note on the door, tied the rope to the anchor, had the noose around my neck, and leaned forward into it. I didn't feel any pain, my neck was a little uncomfortable but I felt a tingling in my lips and felt like I was going limp. If I had held on for a few more seconds, I probably would have passed out.

But I didn't. I backed out and took the noose off. I don't know why. I was planning to do this for weeks. I was specifically planning to do it earlier today because work became hellish again. There's nothing in my life worth living for, so why didn't I go through with it?

Maybe it's because I'm still drunk, but I'm not feeling as distraught as I probably should over it. That may change tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do now, because apparently I can't kill myself. I've been beyond help for years, I have no idea how anyone is supposed to help me now.

I'm going to bed. We'll see what disaster tomorrow brings.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I hope you feel better tomorrow

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

Didn't really sleep and still have a hangover, so I called off work today. I've been missing a lot of work lately because of how bad it's getting, but hopefully no one asks too many questions.

I still don't understand why I didn't do it. I didn't feel any pain, and I didn't feel all that afraid. I didn't even pass out. Am I really just that much of a coward? Could I even call this an attempt if I backed out before anything actually happen? Stupid question, but it honestly feels like I didn't try all that hard. If I had just let go and stayed there for a few more seconds, I probably could have CTB in the end. Fitting that I fail to do this when I'm so much of a failure in life.

I don't know where I can go from here. I don't want to tell anyone, since no one's been able to help when I expressed suicidality in the past. Therapy, meds, hospitalization, nothing helped. And that was when my problems were smaller and the world wasn't as much of a catastrophe, how could they possibly help me now? At the same time, I don't know if I can keep something as big as this to myself.

I'm tired. I just want to sleep and dream forever.

 

[Jadeith]

I "failed" (I backed out)

No, you didn't fail. You chose other way. It's ok. There's no pressure. It's not a competition.
You might want to look for some reasons like - "i got scared", "SI kicked in" or "i wasn't ready" but that's unnecessary.
That's your and only your choice, even if it was subconsious or you do not understand your own motives atm. Don't feel bad because you made it. Don't overthink it.
Rest a bit. Give yourself time. You can always try again if you feel like it. Or not. But don't feel like failure because of what you chose.