Venting I don't want to hurt my loved ones

[shroomia]

I feel so pathetic. My Girlfriend is laying next to me yet I still can't think about anything other than killing myself. I hate that this is what I've become. I don't want to hurt her, yet I do not know how to keep going. I'm yearning for a peace I'll never have in life. I just wish to not suffer anymore, but I fear that by ending my own suffering I will cause even more suffering to my loved ones. My prior girlfriend killed herself and it absolutely destroyed me. I don't want to cause this suffering to anyone else.

But I don't know how long I can take this anymore. Everyday is a battle and I've grown so tired of fighting

 

[gamayoom]

hi. i've been going through the same thing. it's so surreal to lie besides whom you love and feel their presence and not feel anything but the soul crushing pain it is to exist. i'm sorry you're experiencing this, i do not have any piece of advice to give you, just know you're not alone.

 

[Persik]

I feel so pathetic. My Girlfriend is laying next to me yet I still can't think about anything other than killing myself. I hate that this is what I've become. I don't want to hurt her, yet I do not know how to keep going. I'm yearning for a peace I'll never have in life. I just wish to not suffer anymore, but I fear that by ending my own suffering I will cause even more suffering to my loved ones. My prior girlfriend killed herself and it absolutely destroyed me. I don't want to cause this suffering to anyone else.

But I don't know how long I can take this anymore. Everyday is a battle and I've grown so tired of fighting

Hi. Maybe you're doing something wrong? I mean, how exactly are you fighting? And why do you want to die?
Your death will obviously affect your girlfriend, especially since it was easier for you as a man to survive your girlfriend's death (for which I'm very sorry), but she, as a woman, is more sensitive by nature. Consider this. And, you know, at least you have a clear reason to fight)

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Unfortunately that is the price of suicide if you have loved ones. They will be hurt. Even if you only disappear to them, they will still be hurt.

It's only unavoidable if you have loved ones that understand and can sympathize/empathize with your pain.

I have a good friend who doesn't want me to die. But she understands why I want to. And we've talked about it. She wouldn't stop me if I reach a point where to me it needs to happen. But that's very rare.

People are conditioned to blindly opposed suicide. Mostly because of capitalism, buts that's another discussion.

You need to do a cost benefit analysis. Decide where your needs truly lie. Because suicide at the end of the day, is self care. In a very non conventional way.

Can you keep going for her, or is that not enough. That's the question.

I've reached a point where suicide is off the table as long as my partner is in my life. I hate that and I still want to die everyday. But for me, I wouldn't be able to leave peacefully knowing what I was leaving him to.

That's my rock and hard place. It sucks. I resent him a little bit for loving me because it keeps me trapped here. But I love him and in a rare moment of agreement between me, my body and my mind, until he's gone, we remain.

Or at least until I can access assisted suicide.

But I understand the struggle. But unless you have that rare person that sees your pain and understands why suicide is your correct solution, hurting loved ones is unavoidable. Either from the death or if you go somewhere you can't be found, then from the never knowing what happened to you.

I'm sorry. Being kept here by another person's love is torture. Not intentional torture, but torture all the same and I'm so sorry.

 

[shroomia]

Hi. Maybe you're doing something wrong? I mean, how exactly are you fighting? And why do you want to die?
Your death will obviously affect your girlfriend, especially since it was easier for you as a man to survive your girlfriend's death (for which I'm very sorry), but she, as a woman, is more sensitive by nature. Consider this. And, you know, at least you have a clear reason to fight)

First im a woman as well and secondly I don't know what gender has to do with how we process loss and grief. As for how I'm fighting? I feel like my brain is falling apart. Nothing feels real to me anymore and I feel like I'm just stuck in this nightmare with no escape. I feel my sanity deteriorating more and more every day and I just look for an escape that isn't there. I feel trapped and I just want to stop hurting for once. Whenever my brain doesn't feel like this my body does. I've been suffering from immense stomach issues for the better part of a year now. I've visited many specialists and the current conclusion is that it's linked to anxiety and stress. I hate how not only my brain makes me feel like dying my body does too. I'm so tired of all this pain I just want a way out. and like the only resemblance of peace i have is when im high and im starting to really hate that.
I dont want to be high all the time just to function. I hate that i have to try to blend out reality as much as i can just to get through the day. i want things to feel okay again and not only when im on drugs.

 

[Persik]

First im a woman as well and secondly I don't know what gender has to do with how we process loss and grief. As for how I'm fighting? I feel like my brain is falling apart. Nothing feels real to me anymore and I feel like I'm just stuck in this nightmare with no escape. I feel my sanity deteriorating more and more every day and I just look for an escape that isn't there. I feel trapped and I just want to stop hurting for once. Whenever my brain doesn't feel like this my body does. I've been suffering from immense stomach issues for the better part of a year now. I've visited many specialists and the current conclusion is that it's linked to anxiety and stress. I hate how not only my brain makes me feel like dying my body does too. I'm so tired of all this pain I just want a way out. and like the only resemblance of peace i have is when im high and im starting to really hate that.
I dont want to be high all the time just to function. I hate that i have to try to blend out reality as much as i can just to get through the day. i want things to feel okay again and not only when im on drugs.

Girls are naturally more sensitive than men. I didn't want to offend anyone. You have to try to give yourself another chance and try to fight again. Of course, the buzz won't help here. However, you already know everything I'm going to write next, and maybe even more than me. I'm very sorry that your situation is breaking you and pulling you to suicide. If I can help with anything, I'm always here or in private messages. And yet... suffering has an end, unlike death