Help I don't want to die, how do I get out of this rut

[protocoltwentytwo]

I quit. I don't want to CTB anymore, I want to start a new life, how do I do it?

I've been watching videos of people CTBing and I've been scared straight. It's so brutal and you can see some people hesitate after it's too late. My mind can't fathom what would happen to my family when they see my corpse. Please I'm begging I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to kil myself. I want to live a quiet life, day by day. I've been failing college, I can't get a job, and idk what to do or what my future will be?

 

[E5463656]

idk try not to fail college and get a job after you graduate with a degree

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey, I'm glad to hear that. Even if it was out of such dread, which yeah, those videos are scary, it's a good decision if you do want to just live a quiet life.
I don't know about your exact circumstances or situation, sorry, so can't give specific advice. I do remember you were considering at lenght jumping, and dealing with si... which yeah, sucks.
Also, failing college while suicidally depressed, having 0 idea of what to do with your life if you don't end it + being under the constant guilt of the pain you'd cause loved ones if you do... is fun isn't it? it isn't. do i know. there i can relate a ton.

So I guess starting with the most obvious, are you getting any therapy or support or help of any kind? meds maybe? aaanything other than stuck in your head while dealing with this? Maybe u are but again, i don't know, and that'd be the start, a slow one, the whole process really no matter where u are, and not a straight line for sure, but I am glad you chose to stay today, and there are things to make it easier, more bearable, so I only wish that for u. That you can breathe easier today and these next days right after coming from this. Be kind to yourself if you can, when you can.
I'm around if u ever need to vent, and the ppl here too, there's great advice here believe me. Big Hugs <3