I don’t think I can do another year of this

[Sadgirldaisy]

I'm about to sign a lease with a friend. Part of me thinks I should just ctb now because if I sign the lease it's like a promise to stay alive for another year. I feel like my life is just going to get worse over another year and I don't think I can do it. I'll have less friends and less people that would care if I died. People keep just leaving me behind because I become more of a failure and a waste of space as time goes on. If I ctb before I sign the lease my friend can't get out of an abusive household and my mom might blame herself for kicking me out. I don't know what to do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do understand your predicament and it's such a difficult one to be in. I'd say- try not to feel pressured into a decision to CTB firstly. If it doesn't feel quite right now- don't do it just to avoid inconveniencing others.

Life is random. You may move in to a place and find the owner wants the property back. One of you may decide to move out mid contract. I know you don't want to upset or inconvenience your friend (and that is very admirable) but CTB isn't necessarily off the cards- even if you move in together. It wouldn't be nice or great for them- granted but honestly, it's going to upset someone- if or whenever you decide to do it.

There is also, the chance that things may improve for you- with a change of circumstances. Maybe not but you never know.

I would just say- CTB is such a personal decision to make. I think a lot of people just seem to know when their time has come. I think you just have to trust yourself ultimately- if that makes sense. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide.

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

All I can think of is providing your friend with the money to pay off the remaining rent and ctbing at whatever point during the lease. :/

Day in, day out—it's a damn chore to be alive and especially human.

You CAN go it another year. (It might even be a bit better to dwell in a personal space away from your mom?) But you don't have to.

Idk. I hope everything works out how YOU want. It's YOUR body and YOUR Life.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I wanna ctb now so bad, but I don't know if I could do that to my mom. My mom and stepdad got into a fight that basically resulted in me being forced to move out because my mental health symptoms and general inability to take care of myself have made me too hard to live with. Moving in with the friend is either going to give me someone that understands(she's also mentally ill) or another person that resents my inability to function. And I don't know if I can take that.

Due to mental health and just general incompetence, I had to give up on my career goals and I've been stuck at dead end fast food jobs since. Part of me wants to try and stay alive to build a better, more fulfilling life for myself. Part of me wants to give up now before I embarrass and alienate myself further. I'm just not convinced that there's any possibility this could get better.

I wanna ctb now so bad, but I don't know if I could do that to my mom. My mom and stepdad got into a fight that basically resulted in me being forced to move out because my mental health symptoms and general inability to take care of myself have made me too hard to live with. Moving in with the friend is either going to give me someone that understands(she's also mentally ill) or another person that resents my inability to function. And I don't know if I can take that.

Due to mental health and just general incompetence, I had to give up on my career goals and I've been stuck at dead end fast food jobs since. Part of me wants to try and stay alive to build a better, more fulfilling life for myself. Part of me wants to give up now before I embarrass and alienate myself further. I'm just not convinced that there's any possibility this could get better.

If I kill myself now, it could destroy my mom's marriage because she might blame my stepdad for not being able to deal with living with me. That's what I'm most scared of. If I waited the year, at least she would have the space not to blame herself or him as much.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

Well, if you want my true opinion, I think if you enter in this commitment with your friend you do have an obligation to see it through. But during this time it is probably worth trying to improve life since a part of you still thinks there is hope even if most of you is doubtful.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so tiring and hard to deal with being in that situation and your feelings of wishing to be gone are understandable. It really is so dreadful having the awareness of the fact that this will all just get worse as time goes on and the wish to escape future suffering is what makes the thought of ctb appeal to me so much. But anyway, I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I have the SN but I'm just waiting for the antiemetics to get here. I think if the antiemetics get here before the lease is signed I'll take it as a sign to CTB now and if not I'll try and stay alive another year.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

If you have any hope left it's probably worth trying again. A novel environment might be conducive to positive change. A year doesn't really last that long.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Thank you all for your replies

 

[Whale_bones]

I have the SN but I'm just waiting for the antiemetics to get here. I think if the antiemetics get here before the lease is signed I'll take it as a sign to CTB now and if not I'll try and stay alive another year.

I wouldn't make the decision of CTB timing based off such a random thing as mail delivery; I know it can be tempting to take things as "signs" especially when life is so shitty, but remember that the antiemetics arriving on one day or another truly has nothing to do with whether you should CTB that day. The delivery could be slowed down because a worker at the package sorting place called in sick, or it could be sped up because they had their coffee that morning. You don't want to depend on things like that for such an important decision, IMO you should evaluate whether it feels right for you, rather than taking something that is simply caused by a random event as a sign.

I will also say that no matter what, if your parents were to divorce at any time it isn't your fault, a relationship is the responsibility of the people who are in that relationship and no one else.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

If you have any hope left it's probably worth trying again. A novel environment might be conducive to positive change. A year doesn't really last that long.

I'm just worried living with the friend will make them hate me or make me realize even more how little I have going for me. I just don't want another person to resent me.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I'm just worried living with the friend will make them hate me or make me realize even more how little I have going for me. I just don't want another person to resent me.

Do you think it is worth discussing these concerns with your friend? You said she also deals with mental health issues so she probably will be understanding.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Do you think it is worth discussing these concerns with your friend? You said she also deals with mental health issues so she probably will be understanding.

I have a little bit.
I'm getting more and more sure I'm gonna do it this month, maybe the 20th or the 27th

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I have a little bit.
I'm getting more and more sure I'm gonna do it this month, maybe the 20th or the 27th

Do you see any viable paths other than CTB? Of course I don't blame you; I have a shit life I want to exit soon too. You had mentioned a career you studied for kind of falling through; is there any hope of revitalizing that?

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Do you see any viable paths other than CTB? Of course I don't blame you; I have a shit life I want to exit soon too. You had mentioned a career you studied for kind of falling through; is there any hope of revitalizing that?

I don't really. The last time I tried I had a really bad psychotic episode. I tried teaching but ended up with the same intense paranoia about causing harm with my incompetence. I'm so scared of hurting other people with my inability to do my job that it's too difficult to function without being launched into paranoia and psychosis and delusions. I don't want to hurt people by being unable to do my job but having a masters degree and working minimum wage jobs is soul crushing. I feel like I take so much more from this world than I'm able to give back. I don't care about anything or anyone and I don't really have any interests. I've tried to but just come up empty. I feel like I'm just getting emptier as time goes on.

I don't really. The last time I tried I had a really bad psychotic episode. I tried teaching but ended up with the same intense paranoia about causing harm with my incompetence. I'm so scared of hurting other people with my inability to do my job that it's too difficult to function without being launched into paranoia and psychosis and delusions. I don't want to hurt people by being unable to do my job but having a masters degree and working minimum wage jobs is soul crushing. I feel like I take so much more from this world than I'm able to give back. I don't care about anything or anyone and I don't really have any interests. I've tried to but just come up empty. I feel like I'm just getting emptier as time goes on.

I'm not sure how I ended up with the masters degree, seeing as I'm kind of a moron. It just feels like I faked everything and I'm a fraud. Maybe I just cheated my whole way through, I don't know.
It's like I want to do better for myself but I also don't want to put vulnerable people like children in the crossroads of my incompetence from trying to perform in roles I'm not good enough for. I don't want to cause harm to myself or others because of my inability to function. So it's better if I just go.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I don't really. The last time I tried I had a really bad psychotic episode. I tried teaching but ended up with the same intense paranoia about causing harm with my incompetence. I'm so scared of hurting other people with my inability to do my job that it's too difficult to function without being launched into paranoia and psychosis and delusions. I don't want to hurt people by being unable to do my job but having a masters degree and working minimum wage jobs is soul crushing. I feel like I take so much more from this world than I'm able to give back. I don't care about anything or anyone and I don't really have any interests. I've tried to but just come up empty. I feel like I'm just getting emptier as time goes on.

I'm not sure how I ended up with the masters degree, seeing as I'm kind of a moron. It just feels like I faked everything and I'm a fraud. Maybe I just cheated my whole way through, I don't know.
It's like I want to do better for myself but I also don't want to put vulnerable people like children in the crossroads of my incompetence from trying to perform in roles I'm not good enough for. I don't want to cause harm to myself or others because of my inability to function. So it's better if I just go.

I understand. It sounds like you're being too hard on yourself but I hate myself too and my.lack of functioning that others tend to take for granted.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I understand. It sounds like you're being too hard on yourself but I hate myself too and my.lack of functioning that others tend to take for granted.

I mean yeah I am being hard on myself, but I also just want to leave

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I have everything now, but I don't think I can bring myself to do it. There's so many loose ends I still have to tie up.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

I talked to my roommate about it more in depth and now I feel guilty. I don't know how I'm gonna get out of the roommate situation. I hope they don't want to extend the lease at the end of the year.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

I talked to my roommate about it more in depth and now I feel guilty. I don't know how I'm gonna get out of the roommate situation. I hope they don't want to extend the lease at the end of the year.

What's the current status of things?

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

What's the current status of things?

She knows that part of why I wanted to move in with her is because I was scared I would off myself. She said it was good that I understood that about myself. I mentioned I think I will end up dying by ctb and she said I hope not. We move in this week. I really don't think I can do this. I wish I'd ctb'd when I had the chance. Now I risk traumatizing someone who has already been through a lot of trauma.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

She knows that part of why I wanted to move in with her is because I was scared I would off myself. She said it was good that I understood that about myself. I mentioned I think I will end up dying by ctb and she said I hope not. We move in this week. I really don't think I can do this. I wish I'd ctb'd when I had the chance. Now I risk traumatizing someone who has already been through a lot of trauma.

So making it to the end of the year seems pretty impossible, right?

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

So making it to the end of the year seems pretty impossible, right?

Yes

 

[MyLifeisHell]

Yes

If you can't live another day, you can't live another day. No one can replenish your will to live if it is extinct.

 

[Sadgirldaisy]

Apparently there are roaches in the apartment