Venting I don't live life for myself

[Lazy]

None of the things I do or decisions I make are because I want them. They are done to please my parents and at the same time inconvinience me as little as possible. And and I know that their intentions are good and they want me to be happy, I love my parents, they did everything so I could become an acomplished scientist or the like. That's part of why I feel obliged to do what is expected of me.
Everyone expects me to have goals, ambitions and just generaly a drive to do something, which just I lack. I don't quite know how to express this, but there is just nothing I want to do, nor was there the past months/years. I went to uni because my parents wanted me to, I met friends because my parents pushed me to sociolize, nothing I do gives me pleasure. So I end up spending most of my life sleeping, watching youtube, and doing the bare minimum not to drop out, then hiding everything behind the carefully build facade for my parents. Honestly I'm just waiting for my death and it is just so incredibly tiresome.
I know that I am in no position to complain, compared to other people here, I don't suffer form chronic pain, my parents fund my existence and I am not being discriminated against but this only makes me hate myself more. However I can't bring myself to ctb, partly to safe my little sisters the trauma, partly because I feel in dept to my parents for "investing" so much in me. I could set my death up as an accident but I doubt it would work. I just feel so lost.
I hope my English isn't to bad, I'm not a native speaker, sorry.
Also this is my first post here after lurking for a while, so hi I guess.

 

[Fall_Apart]

Hello and welcome! I don't think you have to justify yourself on the fact that you are not as bad compared to other people who are in a worse situation. I believe that we are not in a competition to see who is worse off, simply each of us lives a personal pain, which does not need to be compared with others. So feel free to express your thoughts, if you want. We are here to listen and share our fears and worries to freely compare and feel understood without judgment.

 

[RW__Asher23]

Welcome to sasu! We are here and read and listen and sometimes share our own feelings thoughts and opinions etc but you are very welcome here. Write and express yourself and don't compare yourself to others here. We are all here different but the same in that we are here this site and forum and chat and welcome you. There is no comparison or judgements here to anyone. We all have a reason for being here and yours is just as important as anyone else. So Welcome. Wish you the very best day'/night you can have. Peace.

 

[monstercatering]

I'm the exact same way. It sucks because they may say that they just want you to be around, but family and friends will all be disappointed and mean if you aren't successful as well.
I tried to CTB back at the beginning of November. I got a lot of talking to from my family and friends about how they don't want me to CTB and they love and value me. I thought if it's just being alive I could manage, but just a month later in December my mom made fun of me for not passing most of my classes that semester.
Its a tough thing to confront, but there is just no way you can live an entire life for someone else. Especially trying to meet their expectations. I wish I had dreams, but when my mom asks me what I want to do with my life all I can think is I want to be dead.

To me it's like highschool musical. There's so much media about how people need to follow their own dreams, and ignore just doing whatever their parents want them to do. About how people are unhappy following expectations, but a happy life is following their dream and so on. I think normal people would say it isn't the same for CTBing but to me I don't think there should be a difference, if the most I can amount to is being a NEET or something I'd love to just get this life over with.

I just have a weak character. I've tried to improve myself and put effort into things but I always just get depressed, and even when I'm feeling motivated and meet expectations I still think about how I would rather be dead.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

welcome to the the forum unmet friend! I hope you can find this a safe and non judgmental place

I relate to your words regarding no longer living for myself. the second I get close, it vanishes into thin air. im here right now for a complicated set of reasons but that doesn't make waking up any easier. sending you a hug! reach out anytime.

ps your english is great!! don't worry

 

[Johnzaga23]

The same is for me. I never really lived for myself. I never wanted to live. Since I remember myself, i wouldnt mind getting hit by a car. But I was living my life with a "just in case" attidude, prepering myself for the future, never really living the present. A life of fear and anxiety. But theres no point and i dont see myself ever prefering existence from non existence, ever.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel tired, I also feel so tired, I also see my existence as just waiting for death, I'd just never wish for any of this and never would do. But anyway I wish you the best.