shesalreadygone
Per aspera...ad astra
- Mar 23, 2026
- 9
but WHY IS IT SO HARD
so much time has passed, so many thoughts came over in my head, so many FEELINGS I'VE had to go through.
sometimes I feel, and right in this instant so, that going on and keep moving and LIVING might be easier than whatever the FUCK I'M GOING THROUGH
wishing for a meteor to land on my damn ceiling and instantly wipe out anything and any thought that remains of me, as edgy as that sound, is what I exactly wish for, AND ALWAYS WANTED, why can't it be as easy as that??
people die so easily everyday, car crashes, accidents in dangerous places, even at the comfort of their own home, if I'd been born a man and sent to war, I'd shoot myself in the head whenever I'd be left alone with a gun. not because of war or anything, I just can't take it, can't take it anymore. Sorry for that, in case anyone's gonna comment about war ideology and stuff.
like I was saying, nowdays it's not hard for life to be taken away from you, even if you have a loving family, great friends, a career, healthy habits, anything. Anything can happen to anyone, and we always hear about it anywhere, even more so in my country, where the news is always something like "Someone died somewhere!"
but jesus goddamn christ WHEN I TRY TO DO IT
WHEN I TRY TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE
when I go through ALL OF THE EFFORT, all of my THINKING CAPABILITIES, all of my FOCUS INTO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT WORK
SOMETHING THAT WILL CHANGE MY LIFE, MY OWN DEATH FFS
IT HAD TO GO WRONG DIDN'T IT
TWICE
because noooo, it would be too easy if it worked the first time, I HAD TO TRY AGAIN IN THE SPAN OF A WEEK ONLY FOR IT TO FAIL AGAIN
great, shit, now what?
let me tell you a resume
well I had to keep going to college right? I mean, that's what my dad's money is going towards. Love him. So if you're from brazil you must've heard of ENEM, it's this big ass and hard as hell of an exam that can get you into some really good uni's for free, you don't have to pay scholarships, absolutely free. I did well in the test and got into one. so my dad is only paying for my stay on another state.
little pause to talk about something, "ooh! you got into college! free one and really good! so many ppl wish they had this opportunity, and you're throwing it away?" YOU HAVE NO IDEA of all the SHIT I've had to put through in my life, just because I anwsered some questions right and got the chance doesn't mean I can't do whatever I see fit with myself.
anyways, I got tired of it eventually. thoughts came to mind, why keep going if I'm going to be dead soon anyways? I still haven't given up on ctb, even after failing twice. so I've decided to change my method into hanging, which AT LEAST THAT might work.
then I stopped going into college. last time I went was what, like march. In my view I was going to be dead until april.
then a sequence of events started happening. all leading until today.
on my research on the hanging method, I found this website. "Ah, finally." felt really confortable entering here. finally a place where I'll actually get reliable information and instructions on how to finally leave everything behind. I then decided to get some final rest before putting in the work, and going after what I really want.
since I wasn't going to college anymore, I spent a few days on my home, (I currently live alone with a roomate), watching or doing anything (I mainly got into bsd during this time) and just, y'know, resting. since we all know the direction I'm heading, I at least deserve a bit of calm before working on and doing something that'll change my life forever.
great, okay, had my rest. Then I posted here for the first time, asking some questions about the hanging method. after that, I decided to do a little bit of exploring. read a bit of hanging threads, read the PPH, and decided to switch methods once again. idk, hanging felt too physical, too manual, too scary.
then after a little bit of looking around, I was struck with the decision of doing an inert gas again, this time switching to nitrogen (my two attempts were with helium) or... SN. after reading about it in the PPH, and seeing how ppl here really prefer this one, I've decided to go with the latter.
Great!, we made a decision. good. I then assembled myself a shopping list according to the PPH's protocol, and decided to take another break to get some rest before going after the items, since those seemed hard to get.
same thing as before, spent a few days at home, doing nothing, until I decided to to put in the work and start looking into it.
the SN was the easiest part, it was possible to get legally in my country, without any trouble. So I bought it. and after seeing posts on people struggling to get SN here, I assumed that was the hardest part.
"Hey, that wasn't so bad. good thing we got that out of the way." So I decided to take yet another break, another rest until it arrived, since some other meds can't be that hard to get compared to literal poison, right?
how I wish.
writting this made me feel calmer, writting has always been a thing that I liked, that always put me at ease, or intrigue. so I'm not as mad as I was when I started writting this. now I'm just... dissapointed.
won't delve too much into it but searching for those benzos or other meds have been absolute ass. I wasn't sure if I would go to a doctor and lie, or if I should go to a private doctor, or maybe an online one? private doctors are expensive. my dad's company has health insurance for me but, given that I currently reside on another state, would it still work? and also the town I'm currently living on isn't as big, so there aren't that many clinics around, such and such and blah blah blah IT WAS AWFUL OKAY
then I decided to get it from the dark web, with the help of someone who I very much appreciate, but it seemed to lead to nowhere either. no shipping to my country and I'm unsure on how to deal with worldwide shipping for those, the custom checks, the risk, and whatever should I get...
all of this just suddenly crumbled out into me. it's may. we're almost halfway done with the month. I haven't been going to college since march, and have been lying to my dad since then. I was supposed to be dead in february. it's cold. it's almost winter in here, I didn't want to go through this again. this state is way colder than the one where I used to live. with my family. who I miss.
doesn't help that I still don't have the courage to tell my online friends that I'm still alive. (if you want context, I sent my suicide notes to them back in february and since then logged out from all my accounts and haven't talked to them since. if you want more context, I talked about it here (it's really short) --> my post about ppl thinking I'm still dead
I still consider that if I tell them I'm fine, it'll be worse. seeing how things are going.
doesn't help that I cut communication with my close friends from my hometown prior into trying ctb for the first time. I used to love talking to people, I was good with them, loved to hear them talking about their passions, used to chat for hours and hours, and now all I have?
lying to my dad on my phone, and talking to strangers on the internet. which feels really awkward, since on my head I'm always thinking I'll be dead next week.
all these hardships, everything. It's like I'm stuck on a loop. I used to think that the dark web would be the last step. That I could get finally anything that I need. wonders wonders, I also used to think that same thing when I finally got my shopping list from PPH. and guess what, it's also what was going on in my mind when I first joined this website.
"Finally, this is the last step. I will get my rest." then I'd spend a few days procrastinating before putting my mind into it, only to fall into yet another hole. A loop. It's may. It's tiring. I'm tired. I just want. To die.
so when all of that was crumbling on me (just recently, not even an hour ago) I got the feeling to scream at someone. everything. but there was nowhere I could go.
I even sent a friend request from one of my alts to an old online friend of mine, who is one of the few people who actually saw one of my raw emotions in text. she was also the only one who knew that I was going to try suicide, and she was a lovely person. she did always try to convince me on not doing it, always when I mentioned it to her.
she was the only one who I felt confortable lashing out all my feelings out. telling everything. it's something I never do, ever. even though it's good to let it all out.
I only started doing this in january tho. it was what sparked me to finally take a step forward into ctb. even though I've always been wanting to do it. ever since 2019.
if I did text her, I wouldn't tell her that it was me, honestly, I have no idea what I was going to tell her. I just wanted to let it all out.
Then I decided to write it down here, and make it public.
even though I'm more anonymous than ever here, I never liked, never wished for people to see the hateful side of me. see me just screaming at something, dissapointed, with all my raw feelings over it. She was the only one who had to go through it, and it was, was so painful to her. Imagine seeing your bestie mad at life, wanting to off herself, and you not being able to do anything about it. She even told me she would've contacted my parents already if she could. I regret deeply of what I put her through. and here I am, almost making her go through it again. this is the reason why I don't want to contact my old online friends again.
because, even after everything, after all the suffering I've been going through to make this work..
I'm still going to do it.
after all I've went through, I still think it'd be just way easier to just ingest the SN with water and an anti-emetic and call it a day. without any more meds. shit, skip even the anti-emetic, I've had the SN in my wardrobe for weeks, still considering just drinking it raw so it can all be over with already.
but I will still keep on trying. it's all I've been doing these past months. and even if I'm still on the loop, I feel like I'm closer and closer.
please. just let me die peacefully.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure if anyone's even gonna read everything, hell, 1800 words, giant ass scroll of text. but if you read it all, I thank you so much for being an ear to me. this is my first ever public vent, anywhere. it did already help to calm me down a bit halfway through writting it, visibly, so that's already good, but, if you who is reading this read through all of that, even if you are the only person who did it,
thank you. thank you so much.
I'll try to keep updating on my situation, but for now I'm just really thinking if I should risk worldwide shipping on the dark web for what I need. I'll look into it tomorrow, the loop begins again.
so much time has passed, so many thoughts came over in my head, so many FEELINGS I'VE had to go through.
sometimes I feel, and right in this instant so, that going on and keep moving and LIVING might be easier than whatever the FUCK I'M GOING THROUGH
wishing for a meteor to land on my damn ceiling and instantly wipe out anything and any thought that remains of me, as edgy as that sound, is what I exactly wish for, AND ALWAYS WANTED, why can't it be as easy as that??
people die so easily everyday, car crashes, accidents in dangerous places, even at the comfort of their own home, if I'd been born a man and sent to war, I'd shoot myself in the head whenever I'd be left alone with a gun. not because of war or anything, I just can't take it, can't take it anymore. Sorry for that, in case anyone's gonna comment about war ideology and stuff.
like I was saying, nowdays it's not hard for life to be taken away from you, even if you have a loving family, great friends, a career, healthy habits, anything. Anything can happen to anyone, and we always hear about it anywhere, even more so in my country, where the news is always something like "Someone died somewhere!"
but jesus goddamn christ WHEN I TRY TO DO IT
WHEN I TRY TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE
when I go through ALL OF THE EFFORT, all of my THINKING CAPABILITIES, all of my FOCUS INTO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT WORK
SOMETHING THAT WILL CHANGE MY LIFE, MY OWN DEATH FFS
IT HAD TO GO WRONG DIDN'T IT
TWICE
because noooo, it would be too easy if it worked the first time, I HAD TO TRY AGAIN IN THE SPAN OF A WEEK ONLY FOR IT TO FAIL AGAIN
great, shit, now what?
let me tell you a resume
well I had to keep going to college right? I mean, that's what my dad's money is going towards. Love him. So if you're from brazil you must've heard of ENEM, it's this big ass and hard as hell of an exam that can get you into some really good uni's for free, you don't have to pay scholarships, absolutely free. I did well in the test and got into one. so my dad is only paying for my stay on another state.
little pause to talk about something, "ooh! you got into college! free one and really good! so many ppl wish they had this opportunity, and you're throwing it away?" YOU HAVE NO IDEA of all the SHIT I've had to put through in my life, just because I anwsered some questions right and got the chance doesn't mean I can't do whatever I see fit with myself.
anyways, I got tired of it eventually. thoughts came to mind, why keep going if I'm going to be dead soon anyways? I still haven't given up on ctb, even after failing twice. so I've decided to change my method into hanging, which AT LEAST THAT might work.
then I stopped going into college. last time I went was what, like march. In my view I was going to be dead until april.
then a sequence of events started happening. all leading until today.
on my research on the hanging method, I found this website. "Ah, finally." felt really confortable entering here. finally a place where I'll actually get reliable information and instructions on how to finally leave everything behind. I then decided to get some final rest before putting in the work, and going after what I really want.
since I wasn't going to college anymore, I spent a few days on my home, (I currently live alone with a roomate), watching or doing anything (I mainly got into bsd during this time) and just, y'know, resting. since we all know the direction I'm heading, I at least deserve a bit of calm before working on and doing something that'll change my life forever.
great, okay, had my rest. Then I posted here for the first time, asking some questions about the hanging method. after that, I decided to do a little bit of exploring. read a bit of hanging threads, read the PPH, and decided to switch methods once again. idk, hanging felt too physical, too manual, too scary.
then after a little bit of looking around, I was struck with the decision of doing an inert gas again, this time switching to nitrogen (my two attempts were with helium) or... SN. after reading about it in the PPH, and seeing how ppl here really prefer this one, I've decided to go with the latter.
Great!, we made a decision. good. I then assembled myself a shopping list according to the PPH's protocol, and decided to take another break to get some rest before going after the items, since those seemed hard to get.
same thing as before, spent a few days at home, doing nothing, until I decided to to put in the work and start looking into it.
the SN was the easiest part, it was possible to get legally in my country, without any trouble. So I bought it. and after seeing posts on people struggling to get SN here, I assumed that was the hardest part.
"Hey, that wasn't so bad. good thing we got that out of the way." So I decided to take yet another break, another rest until it arrived, since some other meds can't be that hard to get compared to literal poison, right?
how I wish.
writting this made me feel calmer, writting has always been a thing that I liked, that always put me at ease, or intrigue. so I'm not as mad as I was when I started writting this. now I'm just... dissapointed.
won't delve too much into it but searching for those benzos or other meds have been absolute ass. I wasn't sure if I would go to a doctor and lie, or if I should go to a private doctor, or maybe an online one? private doctors are expensive. my dad's company has health insurance for me but, given that I currently reside on another state, would it still work? and also the town I'm currently living on isn't as big, so there aren't that many clinics around, such and such and blah blah blah IT WAS AWFUL OKAY
then I decided to get it from the dark web, with the help of someone who I very much appreciate, but it seemed to lead to nowhere either. no shipping to my country and I'm unsure on how to deal with worldwide shipping for those, the custom checks, the risk, and whatever should I get...
all of this just suddenly crumbled out into me. it's may. we're almost halfway done with the month. I haven't been going to college since march, and have been lying to my dad since then. I was supposed to be dead in february. it's cold. it's almost winter in here, I didn't want to go through this again. this state is way colder than the one where I used to live. with my family. who I miss.
doesn't help that I still don't have the courage to tell my online friends that I'm still alive. (if you want context, I sent my suicide notes to them back in february and since then logged out from all my accounts and haven't talked to them since. if you want more context, I talked about it here (it's really short) --> my post about ppl thinking I'm still dead
I still consider that if I tell them I'm fine, it'll be worse. seeing how things are going.
doesn't help that I cut communication with my close friends from my hometown prior into trying ctb for the first time. I used to love talking to people, I was good with them, loved to hear them talking about their passions, used to chat for hours and hours, and now all I have?
lying to my dad on my phone, and talking to strangers on the internet. which feels really awkward, since on my head I'm always thinking I'll be dead next week.
all these hardships, everything. It's like I'm stuck on a loop. I used to think that the dark web would be the last step. That I could get finally anything that I need. wonders wonders, I also used to think that same thing when I finally got my shopping list from PPH. and guess what, it's also what was going on in my mind when I first joined this website.
"Finally, this is the last step. I will get my rest." then I'd spend a few days procrastinating before putting my mind into it, only to fall into yet another hole. A loop. It's may. It's tiring. I'm tired. I just want. To die.
so when all of that was crumbling on me (just recently, not even an hour ago) I got the feeling to scream at someone. everything. but there was nowhere I could go.
I even sent a friend request from one of my alts to an old online friend of mine, who is one of the few people who actually saw one of my raw emotions in text. she was also the only one who knew that I was going to try suicide, and she was a lovely person. she did always try to convince me on not doing it, always when I mentioned it to her.
she was the only one who I felt confortable lashing out all my feelings out. telling everything. it's something I never do, ever. even though it's good to let it all out.
I only started doing this in january tho. it was what sparked me to finally take a step forward into ctb. even though I've always been wanting to do it. ever since 2019.
if I did text her, I wouldn't tell her that it was me, honestly, I have no idea what I was going to tell her. I just wanted to let it all out.
Then I decided to write it down here, and make it public.
even though I'm more anonymous than ever here, I never liked, never wished for people to see the hateful side of me. see me just screaming at something, dissapointed, with all my raw feelings over it. She was the only one who had to go through it, and it was, was so painful to her. Imagine seeing your bestie mad at life, wanting to off herself, and you not being able to do anything about it. She even told me she would've contacted my parents already if she could. I regret deeply of what I put her through. and here I am, almost making her go through it again. this is the reason why I don't want to contact my old online friends again.
because, even after everything, after all the suffering I've been going through to make this work..
I'm still going to do it.
after all I've went through, I still think it'd be just way easier to just ingest the SN with water and an anti-emetic and call it a day. without any more meds. shit, skip even the anti-emetic, I've had the SN in my wardrobe for weeks, still considering just drinking it raw so it can all be over with already.
but I will still keep on trying. it's all I've been doing these past months. and even if I'm still on the loop, I feel like I'm closer and closer.
please. just let me die peacefully.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure if anyone's even gonna read everything, hell, 1800 words, giant ass scroll of text. but if you read it all, I thank you so much for being an ear to me. this is my first ever public vent, anywhere. it did already help to calm me down a bit halfway through writting it, visibly, so that's already good, but, if you who is reading this read through all of that, even if you are the only person who did it,
thank you. thank you so much.
I'll try to keep updating on my situation, but for now I'm just really thinking if I should risk worldwide shipping on the dark web for what I need. I'll look into it tomorrow, the loop begins again.
