Bunabelldearest
New Member
- Jun 21, 2026
- 2
This is just me spilling my emotions cause I have nowhere else to. My friends are all half-hearted with there whole "You can talk to me!" then barely replying when I do shtick. Same goes for my family. Everytime I go to my parents they end up yelling at me or worse. I'm 18 and still living with them. I have no future prospects. I know I'm supposed to be young and have all this future ahead of me but what does it matter?
I've been fucked since I was young. I was a popular person online when I was 9. I lost that after I got into some foolish drama, then I got popular when I dated this guy at my school, everyone loved him. Nobody even knew my name I was just called "(his name)s girlfriend" he was awful. He raped me four times like, sex rape. and often kissed me when I didnt want to. He also encouraged me to self harm, the first time I'd ever really cut was with him watching. I dont know if he got off on it or what but I continued and only got worse. After that relationship ended I just kinda gave up. I idolized him and even stalked him at one point. I missed him to the point of insanity. Nobody cared, I expected it. My parents dont give a shit about me, they never have. My sisters have always been better than me, my little sister has won awards for her art and my older sister has a stable job and I can barely finish high school. I should be graduated by now. Im homeschooled (left public after I left my ex cause his friends wouldnt leave me alone) so i dont have a fixed end date I just have to finish my classes. I just cant bring myself to focus. Im failing. My last girlfriend left me cause I was too mentally ill right after I turned 18. (like 3 days after my birthday) She was way older than me, my therapist says she groomed me but I hate thinking about it like that. I hate thinking im some fucking perpetual victim because I feel so pathetic. Ive only had four relationships and Ive burned every bridge with all of them. They only date me because Im willing to do almost whatever I can to keep them around. After my first boyfriend I stopped saying no whenever any of my exes asked to do sexual things. I dont even like it. I just wanted to please them so they'd stay. But now I realize this is just gonna continue. I dont care anymore. I havent spoken to my friends in a month besides some sparse texts here and there and its come to a point where everyday is a living hell. My childhood friend just dropped me because im a 'sulking piece of shit'. and honestly? I dont care. Thats the weird part. I didnt care when he left. I didnt care when he got mad I wasnt getting better, I just told him i hope he has a good life. I think im at the point where life doesnt feel worth it. My art was my only joy but its become boring. I scroll on my phone and just cry all day. I dont want to live at all. I dont even care. I would say I should do it for my sisters, but they barely speak to me. I have BPD but I recently stopped attending my therapy sessions because its a waste of time when I know soon ill CTB. I take these mood stabilizers that dont do anything. I dont feel more stable. I just feel numb.
this is poorly written and scatterbrained but I wanted to just vent idk.
I've been fucked since I was young. I was a popular person online when I was 9. I lost that after I got into some foolish drama, then I got popular when I dated this guy at my school, everyone loved him. Nobody even knew my name I was just called "(his name)s girlfriend" he was awful. He raped me four times like, sex rape. and often kissed me when I didnt want to. He also encouraged me to self harm, the first time I'd ever really cut was with him watching. I dont know if he got off on it or what but I continued and only got worse. After that relationship ended I just kinda gave up. I idolized him and even stalked him at one point. I missed him to the point of insanity. Nobody cared, I expected it. My parents dont give a shit about me, they never have. My sisters have always been better than me, my little sister has won awards for her art and my older sister has a stable job and I can barely finish high school. I should be graduated by now. Im homeschooled (left public after I left my ex cause his friends wouldnt leave me alone) so i dont have a fixed end date I just have to finish my classes. I just cant bring myself to focus. Im failing. My last girlfriend left me cause I was too mentally ill right after I turned 18. (like 3 days after my birthday) She was way older than me, my therapist says she groomed me but I hate thinking about it like that. I hate thinking im some fucking perpetual victim because I feel so pathetic. Ive only had four relationships and Ive burned every bridge with all of them. They only date me because Im willing to do almost whatever I can to keep them around. After my first boyfriend I stopped saying no whenever any of my exes asked to do sexual things. I dont even like it. I just wanted to please them so they'd stay. But now I realize this is just gonna continue. I dont care anymore. I havent spoken to my friends in a month besides some sparse texts here and there and its come to a point where everyday is a living hell. My childhood friend just dropped me because im a 'sulking piece of shit'. and honestly? I dont care. Thats the weird part. I didnt care when he left. I didnt care when he got mad I wasnt getting better, I just told him i hope he has a good life. I think im at the point where life doesnt feel worth it. My art was my only joy but its become boring. I scroll on my phone and just cry all day. I dont want to live at all. I dont even care. I would say I should do it for my sisters, but they barely speak to me. I have BPD but I recently stopped attending my therapy sessions because its a waste of time when I know soon ill CTB. I take these mood stabilizers that dont do anything. I dont feel more stable. I just feel numb.
this is poorly written and scatterbrained but I wanted to just vent idk.
