bpdiskillingme
Member
- Oct 25, 2023
- 17
I've felt like I've been on auto pilot the last few weeks (hence why I've been inactive) I get days like today I snap back and think.
I'm so exhausted with work, friends and relationships. I'm so angry all the time and I feel bad whenever my friend is venting to me I just want to scream at him to shut up when he's complaining about issues with girls that is causing him pain, telling himself he's "Ill" or "bipolar af" or "autistic" whenever he's having a bad day, annoyed at something or just has a completely normal reaction to his emotions. I don't know if anyone else finds this as frustrating as me when I struggle with autism and bpd (not bipolar). It's so insulting and makes me want to tell him to do it whenever he's wining about a girl that's apparently ruined his life.
I have so much pent up rage towards my boyfriend I cannot let go of my bitterness after my mum pointed out the fact I dropped everything to move in with him, we settled down in a nice city and I got a good job but he went back to uni and wouldn't budge about moving back (1 hr away) instead of moving in the middle for me, now my day is depressing I don't do anything I wakeup at 6am, come home at 7pm sometimes 8pm now due to traffic I eat dinner and do nothing for 2 hours. I'm exhausted I can't do anything on weekends apart from lay in bed , drink, sh, I occasionally go out to gigs or a club on my own since my bf hates my music taste ( my bf hates me for doing this but he goes out with his friends smokes weed and goes clubbing with my friends but won't stop whining at me to stay home and do nothing cause I can't go out alone but he can )
I'm so tired of being so replaceable and so ignored. My mum didn't congratulate me on me moving out, getting a job, getting a promotion but my sister who just got her first part time job at 19 is praised and I'm ignored. I'm ignored whenever I reach out to my family unless they need something from me.
No one wants me unless they need something, they know I'll listen and even though I have all these awful thoughts I'll do my best to help them. I'll spend hours talking through your issues and finding them resources for them to ignore me and then repeat.
I'm such a pushover, my friends even say I'm too much of a people pleaser but they use my kindness. They don't know every waking second my head is telling me to die. To hurt Myself, hurt other people because even if I do try they won't listen all they'll say is "haha same so relatable" whenever I slightly try to open up to anyone. I'm just funny and mentally ill but don't find it funny when I need help.
I feel sick constantly, when I'm not occupied doing something my brain is so loud I can't turn it off ever I need to leave I can't stand this planet anymore. I've written so many notes for my departure but I can't follow through with anything. I'm pathetic and scared of everything.
I don't know how to end it. But I need to.
Thank u for reading I have nowhere else but here to let any of my thoughts out so why else post it on anonymous internet forms
I'm so exhausted with work, friends and relationships. I'm so angry all the time and I feel bad whenever my friend is venting to me I just want to scream at him to shut up when he's complaining about issues with girls that is causing him pain, telling himself he's "Ill" or "bipolar af" or "autistic" whenever he's having a bad day, annoyed at something or just has a completely normal reaction to his emotions. I don't know if anyone else finds this as frustrating as me when I struggle with autism and bpd (not bipolar). It's so insulting and makes me want to tell him to do it whenever he's wining about a girl that's apparently ruined his life.
I have so much pent up rage towards my boyfriend I cannot let go of my bitterness after my mum pointed out the fact I dropped everything to move in with him, we settled down in a nice city and I got a good job but he went back to uni and wouldn't budge about moving back (1 hr away) instead of moving in the middle for me, now my day is depressing I don't do anything I wakeup at 6am, come home at 7pm sometimes 8pm now due to traffic I eat dinner and do nothing for 2 hours. I'm exhausted I can't do anything on weekends apart from lay in bed , drink, sh, I occasionally go out to gigs or a club on my own since my bf hates my music taste ( my bf hates me for doing this but he goes out with his friends smokes weed and goes clubbing with my friends but won't stop whining at me to stay home and do nothing cause I can't go out alone but he can )
I'm so tired of being so replaceable and so ignored. My mum didn't congratulate me on me moving out, getting a job, getting a promotion but my sister who just got her first part time job at 19 is praised and I'm ignored. I'm ignored whenever I reach out to my family unless they need something from me.
No one wants me unless they need something, they know I'll listen and even though I have all these awful thoughts I'll do my best to help them. I'll spend hours talking through your issues and finding them resources for them to ignore me and then repeat.
I'm such a pushover, my friends even say I'm too much of a people pleaser but they use my kindness. They don't know every waking second my head is telling me to die. To hurt Myself, hurt other people because even if I do try they won't listen all they'll say is "haha same so relatable" whenever I slightly try to open up to anyone. I'm just funny and mentally ill but don't find it funny when I need help.
I feel sick constantly, when I'm not occupied doing something my brain is so loud I can't turn it off ever I need to leave I can't stand this planet anymore. I've written so many notes for my departure but I can't follow through with anything. I'm pathetic and scared of everything.
I don't know how to end it. But I need to.
Thank u for reading I have nowhere else but here to let any of my thoughts out so why else post it on anonymous internet forms
