i don't know how to cope without suicide as an option

[Maormer]

Earlier this year i tried to end my life. Its been a few months and i thought i was getting better but honestly im barely holding it together. I want so badly to be able to take some SN and finally rest for good, but after telling my friend about my last attempt i just cant do it. She was so devastated and i realized that, no matter what i do to minimize the damage i cause, ending my own life will hurt people i care about far more than if i died through no fault of my own. I feel so guilt ridden. I know i should feel that way but cant get past the shame i feel about my attempts. I promised her that i would never attempt again, but i just dont know how to live. I dont know how to be ok with this. i fall asleep dreading tomorrow and wake up crying. Im so afraid and anxious 24/7 and the stress from work, school, and the general state of the world is driving me crazy. My depersonalization and derealization have gotten so much worse too. I feel like im loosing my grip on reality, ive started doing "reality checks" throughout my day to assure myself that i really am awake and not dreaming. Im so scared that im going to go insane or something.

In the past i was able to use suicide as a crutch. Whenever life became too much i could remind myself that i could leave whenever i wanted. But without it as an option i feel so trapped and afraid. I made the decision that id never hurt myself again and so fair ive managed to uphold that promise. I havent attempted or self harmed since that night. But i dont know how long i can keep this up. i know i need to get better. i know that if i stay here i will die, but i dont know how to be a person anymore. How do you live when you spent the past 8 years of your life living from one attempt to the next? I never planned on getting this far, theres not much that i really want out of my life, i never let myself have ambitions because i assumed id be dead. I dont know how to live without an expiration date looming over my head.

 

[fedup1982]

Sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar position, not only do I not have any good methods but if I did I'd hurt my gf too much. Fk life. I dont know how to cope. Im so angry that im expected to live and not given an option to leave.

 

[KlixxFoxe]

In the past i was able to use suicide as a crutch. Whenever life became too much i could remind myself that i could leave whenever i wanted. But without it as an option i feel so trapped and afraid.

I think exactly the same. Sometimes it feels that CTB is the only thing I can control in my life

 

[ObsidianMidnightSky]

It sounds like your friend is a good reason to not ctb but you are still miserable, so you'll have to see what things you can aim toward that make life less miserable.

So make 3 small goals that if you complete them, will make your life better, or less miserable. One for tomorrow, one for a week, one for a month. When you feel like you have no aspirations or are having trouble getting a start on living, think of these. That can be your new aspiration. After awhile, the small steps will add up and looking back, you'll see a direction. It is never too late to start. You would've ended it before, so now is just extra time, a fresh start.

You can make a list of 3 things that make you feel better when sad. When you feel like life is too much and you need a crutch to get past it, have these available as your new escape. Allow yourself to use them. Instead of "I will ctb so it doesn't matter" think "I need to make it through this for my friend and I can think of <list> in the meantime so I can be safe for them".

Everyone has an expiration date, we just don't know exactly when it'll happen. If it makes it any better, set an imaginary long date. Now fill up the space between now and then. That's kinda how most people live and plan. They know it comes to an end, but they want to do their best right now before that time comes.