Discussion I don't feel like myself when I'm "better"

[dw33ter]

Occasionally I have moments when the depression just fades away for a while, and I'm functional, productive and well... not happy, but not depressed. Neutral. It's the oddest feeling though – when I'm "better", I don't feel like myself at all, I feel more like an alternate version of me, and it doesn't feel right. I feel like the sadness when I'm depressed is part of me, and I somehow still miss it even though it's technically bad for me. It's sort of like I've seen the light and can't go back, only that the light is actually darkness and despair.

Wondering if any of yall have the same experience and if so, what do yall make of it?

 

[Hitakiri]

Occasionally I have moments when the depression just fades away for a while, and I'm functional, productive and well... not happy, but not depressed. Neutral. It's the oddest feeling though – when I'm "better", I don't feel like myself at all, I feel more like an alternate version of me, and it doesn't feel right. I feel like the sadness when I'm depressed is part of me, and I somehow still miss it even though it's technically bad for me. It's sort of like I've seen the light and can't go back, only that the light is actually darkness and despair.

Wondering if any of yall have the same experience and if so, what do yall make of it?

Is the sadness really bad? It can be. But it can be good. It can inspire art. Move the heart. Do we not feel more poetic, and true, when in the dark, under the light of the moon? I have a deep love for sorrow. I've accepted this as part of my nature, and find myself feeling most alive when watching movies, shows, or reading books that are tragic. Somber characters tend to speak to me in a surreal level.

I believe there's a stigma against the darkness. But light does not exist without it. There's a balance to be found there. The trick is to not let yourself drown in it. To simply appreciate it, and let it flow through you like the very blood in your veins. To become a part of you, not something on the outside of you, that smothers you.

I should add it's possible you may be bipolar. I'm bipolar. It's defined by periods of mania, and depression, that come in phases. Those phases tend to last awhile. I feel at my truest, in my depressive phase, and so I often surround myself in things that being that phase out, so I can feel like me, and find peace in that. But mania can't be staved off forever. For me, my episodes mix. Mania overlaps with my depression, making me feel irritible, agitated, anxious. It's an unbearable feeling. I think this is caused by the fact that I've accepted the darkness so thoroughly, that it's always there, even when I'm not in a bipolar depressive phase. I have depression from life in general, trauma, so it's my natural state. This is the main reason I don't feel like myself when manic. It's foreign, and extremely uncomfortable. An affliction. It's usually not a problem, however, as I'm pretty good at maintaining a steady measure of depression, most of the time.

 

[LigottiSchopenhauer]

"I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy." - Franz Kafka

 

[western_heart]

Yes. Sometimes I am another version of me, I have a dissociative disorder and have alters.

I had been suffering for a long time before figuring this out / getting diagnosed and talking about it in therapy and with others. it is a coping mechanism I developed in childhood and only now in my 30s am I able to recognize it. Still trying to figure out how (& if) I can survive.

 

[ScissorYoda]

I feel I've had a similar experience, for me the more I was happy the more used to it I became and the more I felt it was a part of my true self. It happened after the longest period of depression I have had which lasted around 7 years. Happiness was such an alien concept that it felt strange, I felt like I had latched onto depression as a part of my identity for so long and that in a way, being happy was invalidating my previous suffering. It was as if I wanted the world to acknowledge my struggle, and by being happy that wasn't happening.

I'm not sure if this is similar to how you're feeling at all. All I will say is that your mood is not who you are, your thoughts are not who you are, you can reinvented yourself in any moment, your ego is what you make of it. Just feel how your feeling and try to be aware of it. I hope these positive periods keep growing for you.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

Occasionally I have moments when the depression just fades away for a while, and I'm functional, productive and well... not happy, but not depressed. Neutral. It's the oddest feeling though – when I'm "better", I don't feel like myself at all, I feel more like an alternate version of me, and it doesn't feel right. I feel like the sadness when I'm depressed is part of me, and I somehow still miss it even though it's technically bad for me. It's sort of like I've seen the light and can't go back, only that the light is actually darkness and despair.

Wondering if any of yall have the same experience and if so, what do yall make of it?

Me too. I don't feel "better" but I've been having lots of good days, but still don't feel like myself. I feel hollow.

 

[stillmirenai]

I've had a similar experience. You work for so long, trying to care for yourself, finding that one thing that brings you happiness - however, when you finally "overcome" the despair, it feels as if though there's a hole. Almost like despair filled the feeling of inadequacy that you had deep in your heart. As if despair was a safe space where you could channel your emotions. It makes you wonder if you're a masochist for wanting to go back to despair.

However, this does not necessarily mean happiness is a bad thing - it just takes some time getting used to the feeling of joy in your body again. Once you've done that, you might even wonder, "how could I even think of such terrible things?". Of course, the process is different from person to person, and there is no straight line to recovering. But if you do, you'll thank yourself for it. Hope you have the courage to be happy and stay that way.