Venting I don't care about being a shit friend anymore

[needleinthehay]

I'm not a good friend, and I can't think of a time that I was truly, wholly, a good friend to anybody. I'm flaky, I miss the little things, I'm inconsiderate without even realizing it. I'm never in the right frame of mind to help people when they need it. This is something that has torn me up inside for as long as I can remember. I didn't have friends as a kid because I was weird, I was too distracted dealing with manic psychosis from early onset bipolar disorder (and then the heavy sedation from the meds to "fix" it) to have friends as a teenager, and somehow, some way, I ended up being a part of this big group of friends just by kind of stumbling into it on accident. I hate having this many people in my life for so many reasons, which makes me feel like an even bigger ungrateful piece of shit. It makes it that much harder to ctb, for starters. But because having friends comes with obligations, obligations that grow exponentially the more friends you have, and obligations that I am just not slated to deal with. Never have been.
This is one of the reasons I fucking hate myself and I know for a fact everyone would be better off without me. I've started losing more friends recently, either just by not hanging out with anyone anymore because I don't ever leave the fucking house, or other social gaffes that are beyond my grasp. I had no money for christmas gifts this year because I'm an unemployed leech on my fiancee, which I made sure to mention, and my friends all did a gift exchange and included me anyway, so I showed up empty handed and embarrassed. One of my closest friends told me it made them feel unappreciated and that I was a shit friend. I'm calling off plans again this weekend and I just know they're gonna be pissed off at me for that again but I'm just too disconnected to care at this point. I'm a shit friend, but I'll be out of all of your lives soon enough.

 

[247sadgirlhours]

this is extremely relatable to me. pretty much every word resonated with me.

on a basic social level, i am fine. but i am just terrible at making friends. i stumbled into a good friend group in high school, and we were ride or die for each other, all of us equally suicidal (lol). i genuinely think that if one of us had killed ourselves, the whole group would've ctb. but i was a shit friend too. i was overcome with anxiety and just didn't know what to say, or what people needed to hear. i didn't want to leave my house because i was so anxious. i came off as uninvolved, uncaring, similar to you. i made a mistake, there was a misunderstanding, and we fell apart. they all just kind of kicked me from the group and we don't talk anymore. i would've drank the kool-aid with these people a year ago and now i am alone, and unsuccessful in making other friends. i deleted all my social medias last year, and said it was for privacy reasons, but really? i am taking it bad when i see them on instagram doing things together. i don't even want to lie to myself that i'm doing better without them. i'm doing fucking terrible lol

everything you wrote, super fucking relatable. it sounds like you love them so much and are grateful for them. isn't it crazy that we can be so grateful and love people so much, but still just fuck things up in unexplainable ways? i will never understand why i am like this.

 

[Pluto]

I relate to what you say. I spent a lot of my early childhood in hospital and got in the habit of taking loads of 'sick days' in school. I always felt alienated and was never socialised properly, increasingly growing into someone unrelatable. As an adult, I found myself not responding in social situations like I should, which is a recipe for more isolation in an endless vicious circle.

There's a lot more talk these days of helping young people get support with these sorts of issues before they get out of hand. Though this does nothing for us. The only thing I can add is that there's no need to beat yourself up. Are we not just the natural product of bygone events?