Discussion 'We don't fully grow up until our parents die.'

[Forever Sleep]

Not really quoted here- more paraphrased from an idea from Freud. Not that I'm generally a Freud fan.

Do you think it's true? Do you think you'll change much when your parents have passed on? Did you change- if they already have? For the better or worse? Sorry- if it's distressing to think about.

The major difference for me- is that I will finally feel free to suicide. My Mum passed when I was young but, I've long been holding on so that it doesn't upset my Dad.

I suppose- to be brutally honest about it, I can also imagine feeling free of responsibility and expectation. Not that I'm expected to care for them. But, I am expected to financially support myself and take care of my own needs. Some of which I do still neglect- as far as I can get away with.

I suppose though- I do wonder how it will feel to have no one checking up on me. What time do I start working? What work do I have to do? Am I charging enough? Am I considering my future? Am I doing all the other things expected in life?

While I'm sure it wasn't my families intention at all. I'm sure they did/ do want me to be happy- my whole life has become about work, one way or another. The irony being, they believe they gave me so much freedom to pursue what I wanted. I suppose it's work ethic I'm refering to. I've always been a slave to it.

I suppose really though, I've never felt entirely free to enjoy life. Even when doing more leisurely things, I don't relax. I'm worrying about work and everything else. I'm wondering if that will change- when I no longer have anyone checking up on me. I wonder if I even could live hedonistically for a time. Whether I'll ever be able to entirely relax.

It's not like I am even working as hard as I used to- in a practical way. I procrastinate so much now. Still- the mindset is still more or less there.

Less over recent years though- at least. Fixating on suicide as a goal at least means I don't need to worry about a pension and financial future. More, that I just need to tread water with finances- while I still need to.

Of course- in a practical way, I simply won't be able to live hedonistically/ care free without money and- that requires working. So- it's unlikely I'll even be able to break free from the cycle- for that long anyway.

I wonder if I'll ever feel truly free though. Or, whether these thoughts are so intrinsic, there's no shifting them.

How about you? Are there negative or positive thought processes you feel like you got from your parents? Will they likely still remain when your parents aren't around? Were you able to break free of them, despite them still being alive maybe?

 

[StoneCactus]

My mom passed away unexpectedly five years ago and it definitely changed me. I recognize that I really have no one to go to if things hit the fan so I'm much more careful about what I say to other people. I still talk with my dad and he occasionally visits from 2000 miles away but he can't really help much. My mom's passing aged him beyond his years--he went from walking marathons to needing a cane, and he gets pneumonia at least annually. So, I feel like it made me finally grow up in a way I wouldn't have if she'd died of old age and my dad didn't decline. For what it's worth I hated both of them for forcing religion on me and then pushing me to study engineering to the point of withholding life skills, and to this day I resent that I didn't get to work towards a low stress career.

 

[itsgone2]

For what it's worth I hated both of them for forcing religion on me and then pushing me to study engineering to the point of withholding life skills, and to this day I resent that I didn't get to work towards a low stress career.

This is quite valid. They made mistakes. I'm commenting because mine hurt me too but very opposite. No religious education or pushed toward any career. Obviously needs to be some balance. But I'm also stressed now for being equally ill prepared just in a different fashion.

I suppose parents being gone does change a person. Your initial safety net gone. How awful to consider.

 

[_Gollum_]

I suppose parents being gone does change a person. Your initial safety net gone. How awful to consider.

Unfortunately for a lot of people their parents aren't a safety net, emotional or financial. I'm lucky I at least have brothers to fall back on if worse comes to worse. Their passing would affect me far more than my parents.

 

[foreverfalling]

My parents are the only people around where it feels like home. When they go I imagine it would feel truly existential. I would feel totally alone, even more so than now. Like the whole universe would feel empty, no meaning to this existence. The house would be all quiet. I feel dizzy and sad just imagining it.

Practically speaking I'd then have no one left to depend on. I won't be able to call them to pick me up from the train station, take care of the house, take care of me. I'd have to do everything myself, which at this point I wouldn't be able to. I'd have to make sure I don't end up in situations where I'd need help. I'd need to plan ahead for these situations, like stock up the fridge with easy meals in case I get sick. This is truly hell on earth.

Like you, at the moment as they are around I have to keep up my image at some level. The image of a being perfect good boy. When they are gone, I wouldn't have to keep up that appearance in some respects. Yeah I could live hedonistically until my money runs out, and hopefully have a way for a safe exit. Spending money is something hard for me, as I feel guilty about enjoying myself, something that they taught me. I could let myself go and not care about my health, because there is no one left to care.

But at the same time money and living cautiously would ensure I don't end up in a bad situation. I have to keep my health so I don't suffer unnecessarily. Maybe that is what it means to fully grow up, by figuring out a new status quo and balance. Maybe the new freedoms would balance out the pain. But right now I don't look forward to it.

 

[MonkLife4Life]

It's really true.