Venting I DESPERATELY WANT TO LIVE

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

I don't get why people want to die if they're in relatively good health etc etc.

I WANT to live but my chronic mental illness is PUSHING me into a position where i HAVE to off myself.

It's frustrating. Life has sm opportunities. I love this world even with all the torment and torture.

 

[evannave]

I understand you friend. I'm kinda in the same boat. I've dealt with severe bouts of depression. For me, depression is like a wave that gets worse and gets better. But the desire to CTB never goes away.

If we were given the option between living out a normal life with no mental conditions or circumstances causing one to desire to CTB, or Dying now, many of us would choose to live.

 

[february in alaska]

Seeing people who are here because of health issues/living in poverty/homelessness/etc who genuinely want to live break my heart. This world is constantly trying to stop suicidal people from dying, but they can't even save the people who actually wanted to live.

It's so fucking unfair. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm relatively physically healthy and in a decent place financially and I wish every single day that I could give my life to someone who actually wants it

 

[LunarLight]

Same here. I'd like to live so desperately but depression makes it unbearable. I can't take it anymore.

 

[UKscotty]

All humans want to live, its our mental illness which ruin it for us.

Most people are treatable, I have come to terms and accepted that I am untreatable and have treatment resistant depression.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

All humans want to live, its our mental illness which ruin it for us.

Most people are treatable, I have come to terms and accepted that I am untreatable and have treatment resistant depression.

Not all people want to live and not everyone who wants to ctb is mentally ill.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I think that in an alternate universe, where my fiancé hadn't died, I'd want to live. With him for the first time I felt I was living a life that was worth it. I still had major depressive disorder that's treatment resistant, I still had anxiety issues, but somehow being with him he made the lows bearable.

Before I met him I wasn't very attached to being alive but I was ok muddling through, with longterm chronic suicidal thoughts and sporadic impulsive attempts, when I was with him I still had ideation but I didn't want to act on it. He was worth sticking around for because we were happy, and the good bits outweighed the bad. He died, that was it, game over. It just ALL feels bad now.

I'm aware that a lot of people go through deep loss and grief and recover from it, but pile it on someone's who's had lifelong depression/anxiety and suicidal ideation and I don't think I can get back any sense of "hope" or attachment to living.

I know life can be beautiful because I've experience it. I don't think human existence is all doom and gloom else everybody else on the planet would be suicidal. But life being beautiful depends on so many aligning factors that can change on a dime.

 

[LevUwU]

I'm sorry, that's truly horrible. I hope one day soon something will help your issues and you'll be able to live the life you want and deserve. Sending you love <3

 

[4am]

All humans want to live, its our mental illness which ruin it for us.

Most people are treatable, I have come to terms and accepted that I am untreatable and have treatment resistant depression.

these are just straight up pro-life talking points lol

 

[tbroken]

I don't get why people want to die if they're in relatively good health etc etc.

I WANT to live but my chronic mental illness is PUSHING me into a position where i HAVE to off myself.

It's frustrating. Life has sm opportunities. I love this world even with all the torment and torture.

It is the same for me here, or at least, it was. But I lost a lot of opportunities in my life due to illness. I'm screw*d, I only see the bad side of things. My life was nice, it is my mind that is fuc*ed up.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In a way, I feel the most sorry for people with debilitating illness. There's no way I could cope with it. But, when you have your health, you have a shit load of expectations placed on you. No chance of financial benefits. Your parents may well not want to support you because- you're perfectly capable of supporting yourself. So then- you have the big wide world to negotiate. Maybe you'll be lucky and be well paid for a job you're good at and enjoy but, plenty of people hate their jobs. Plenty are working pretty much all the time- just to make ends meet. They can feel trapped too. There aren't always clear alternatives in life. If the balance in life shifts so you are non stop working and then, non stop too tired to do anything else- you can easily reach the point where you think- what the hell am I doing this for?!! I'm busting a gut to live a life I have no interest in living! There isn't always an alternative either- quit your job? Where's the money going to come from? Find another job that's better paid? What if you can't? I don't think life is that simple. That said- I agree that health is paramount. Without that, everything becomes so much harder. I'm sorry you suffer so much.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

In a way, I feel the most sorry for people with debilitating illness. There's no way I could cope with it. But, when you have your health, you have a shit load of expectations placed on you. No chance of financial benefits. Your parents may well not want to support you because- you're perfectly capable of supporting yourself. So then- you have the big wide world to negotiate. Maybe you'll be lucky and be well paid for a job you're good at and enjoy but, plenty of people hate their jobs. Plenty are working pretty much all the time- just to make ends meet. They can feel trapped too. There aren't always clear alternatives in life. If the balance in life shifts so you are non stop working and then, non stop too tired to do anything else- you can easily reach the point where you think- what the hell am I doing this for?!! I'm busting a gut to live a life I have no interest in living! There isn't always an alternative either- quit your job? Where's the money going to come from? Find another job that's better paid? What if you can't? I don't think life is that simple. That said- I agree that health is paramount. Without that, everything becomes so much harder. I'm sorry you suffer so much.

Schopenhauer said 9/10 of happiness is health also as far as finances are concerned I'd be glad to husly and David Goggins max and reach my full potential. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side but when you've been in torture/hell for nearly a year with not even a second of reprieve not healthy enough to even stand up and every moment is UTTER TORMENT. I'd gladly just slave away in a sweatshop if it means I was healthy.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Schopenhauer said 9/10 of happiness is health also as far as finances are concerned I'd be glad to husly and David Goggins max and reach my full potential. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side but when you've been in torture/hell for nearly a year with not even a second of reprieve not healthy enough to even stand up and every moment is UTTER TORMENT. I'd gladly just slave away in a sweatshop if it means I was healthy.

Yeah, I do understand and sympathise. The worst pain I had was gallstones with a stone moving into the bile duct eventually. That was so painful. All you want when you're ill is to feel better. You find yourself saying you'll never complain about anything else if you only regain your health. You just need that chance to feel well again. It's understandable.

Not everyone experiences that contrast in life though. Things may always have been pretty average to good even for them so, they don't feel gratitude through experience. We tend to take our health for granted when we have it and no one likes being made to feel spoilt or guilty because, other people have it worse.

After all- it's not like we can give our healthy bodies or pain free years to someone who would make use of it. I suspect many people here would actually do that if it meant they could be free. So, simply in that sense- I think it's not exactly fair to resent people or make them feel guilty because their reasons for wanting out seem inferior. Not that I'm saying you're doing that or even that you feel that way but maybe?

I think my Grandma felt that way. She suffered terribly with her health. She got frustrated with people with more minor problems. Which I can understand but ultimately, there's the argument- we don't even want to be alive to deal with these problems! Minor or major. Chances are, we're holding on for them.

It can be equally baffling to someone who doesn't want to live as to why someone else is insisting that they not only must keep on living but- they ought to be damn well grateful that their life is no worse! It's like being given a vicious dog that occassionally mauls you and being told to be grateful it isn't a crocodile.

I've never been able to work out which is worse. Someone who apparently has it all but still wants to CTB. That's a desperate state to be in. To feel that there's simply nothing out there that could make life worthwhile. Or- someone who desperately wants something they think will help them but they're very unlikely to get it. I think both situations suck really.

The worst part about the person who sees nothing left in life as worth it is that no one else will believe them. They'll insist they need to change their attitude. They'll insist they are in the wrong, mentally ill, depressed- whatever. They're less likely to talk someone out of feeling physical pain though. If they have been diagnosed with something serious, they'll likely give them sympathy and get frustrated with the person who apparently has it all but wants nothing more than to be rid of it. I think both situations suck. Yours likely does suck more but none of us know who we'd be if we had a different life. I am still sorry for how life has treated you though. It terrifies me to think how our bodies are prone to failing.

 

[Erick]

Schopenhauer said 9/10 of happiness is health also as far as finances are concerned I'd be glad to husly and David Goggins max and reach my full potential. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side but when you've been in torture/hell for nearly a year with not even a second of reprieve not healthy enough to even stand up and every moment is UTTER TORMENT. I'd gladly just slave away in a sweatshop if it means I was healthy.

I feel you. I lost my health 1 year ago, and I really wanted to live, to have my life back. I would give anything to be healthy again and have the worst job in the world.
I see people here who are young and healthy, but want to die, instead of trying to have a life. Little do they know how lucky they are to be healthy

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

I feel you. I lost my health 1 year ago, and I really wanted to live, to have my life back. I would give anything to be healthy again and have the worst job in the world.
I see people here who are young and healthy, but want to die, instead of trying to have a life. Little do they know how lucky they are to be healthy

Exactly, only someone in a privileged ass position would say boo hoo both positions are equally bad, I even saw someone say that they'd rather be in hell than non-existence because at least hell is something and these people DO NOT KNOW suffering. Overcoming things like poverty when you're healthy and able is NOT hell.

 

[Light_]

I wanted to live. It didn't work out.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I agree with this post more then I can send reactions. Fellow person who wants to live as well.

Everyone here is here for a reason. Most of us have had suicidal thoughts at some recent point in our lives, and most of us can remember at least one time where we enjoyed life.

To live with so much suffering that to think of giving up our lives entirely is the only solution is both dangerous and comforting. We want relief. We want peace. It hurts so much we can't get it easily either way. Sometimes, all someone needs to make life a tiny bit more tolerable is a good friend, or a good pay raise. The modern world doesn't want to give either.

Suicide is a choice, but I hate seeing people choose this decision while wanting to live.

 

[UKscotty]

Not all people want to live and not everyone who wants to ctb is mentally ill.

No some of us don't want to live, but not wanting to live is caused by depression.

If someone is healthy, happy and content they won't want to CTB.

these are just straight up pro-life talking points lol

How is that pro life? That makes no sense at all.

If someone isn't depressed, they will want to live.

It's a fact some of us have untreatable depression.

I know some people like to think they are in good mental health but want to CTB. We can't be suicidal and in good mental health, they are completely opposite ends of the scale.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

No some of us don't want to live, but not wanting to live is caused by depression.

If someone is healthy, happy and content they won't want to CTB.

There are healthy and content people who still end up ctbing. Just because your desire to commit suicide is caused by depression doesn't mean that that applies to everyone. Ctbing can happen for a variety of reasons outside of mental illness. Reducing it down to just mental illness is straight up pro-life bs.

 

[Undertow Mermaid]

Mental health issues usually are the answer to why otherwise perfectly healthy people would want to die. You have to realize it's called mental health for a reason, just because it's not a chronic illness doesn't mean people aren't sick. Depression is a killer just as much as anything else, it eats away at you for years crumbles your will to live into dust. Hope is gone, life doesn't look as bright and vibrant. Anything good happening feels dulled and redundent when staring down the black hole of living on feeling as though your whole body is trying to pull you underground to hell.

I have a personality disorder so I don't even know who the fuck I really am. All I know is I'm in pain, and this empty hole has been growing inside me ever since I was a child.

 

[UKscotty]

There are healthy and content people who still end up ctbing. Just because your desire to commit suicide is caused by depression doesn't mean that that applies to everyone. Ctbing can happen for a variety of reasons outside of mental illness. Reducing it down to just mental illness is straight up pro-life bs.

Each to their own views, but I could never understand how someone could tell me they are in good physical and mental health but still want to CTB.

This is a forum for ill people, ao ultimately I wouldn't lose sleep over what anyone else says or does.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Each to their own views, but I could never understand how someone could tell me they are in good physical and mental health but still want to CTB.

This is a forum for ill people, ao ultimately I wouldn't lose sleep over what anyone else says or does.

This forum is for people who want to ctb or who are recovering from suicidal ideation, not ill people. There have literally been users on here who've made it clear that they aren't mentally ill despite wanting to ctb. Just because you can't wrap your head around something doesn't mean you can't acknowledge that it happens.

 

[loslassen]

You're so true for expressing it that way, I want to live too! There's just so much I want to do and so much I could and would do and I'm super passionate about many things, I want to eat good food, I want to be held, I want to learn and I want to create, I want to be happy… but the never ending pain from so so many things that have chased me since I remember are making it so unbearable to exist..

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

This forum is for people who want to ctb or who are recovering from suicidal ideation, not ill people. There have literally been users on here who've made it clear that they aren't mentally ill despite wanting to ctb. Just because you can't wrap your head around something doesn't mean you can't acknowledge that it happens.

If you commit suicide you are automatically "ill" imo. Not well adjusted to life. Maybe at an old age but then we'd just see that as disease and an altered state if that makes sense. The disease of aging.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Exactly, only someone in a privileged ass position would say boo hoo both positions are equally bad, I even saw someone say that they'd rather be in hell than non-existence because at least hell is something and these people DO NOT KNOW suffering. Overcoming things like poverty when you're healthy and able is NOT hell.

I've never known suffering until my mind ripped open and the anhedonia struck. I always thought I struggled before, but I didn't realize the paradise in which I lived.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

If you commit suicide you are automatically "ill" imo. Not well adjusted to life. Maybe at an old age but then we'd just see that as disease and an altered state if that makes sense. The disease of aging.

Dude, just because you lack the perspective to put yourself in others shoes and understand why they are doing what they are doing doesn't make them "ill". Being alive isn't appealing to everyone and that doesn't automatically make one ill.

 

[thelazyegg]

I think that in an alternate universe, where my fiancé hadn't died, I'd want to live. With him for the first time I felt I was living a life that was worth it. I still had major depressive disorder that's treatment resistant, I still had anxiety issues, but somehow being with him he made the lows bearable.

Before I met him I wasn't very attached to being alive but I was ok muddling through, with longterm chronic suicidal thoughts and sporadic impulsive attempts, when I was with him I still had ideation but I didn't want to act on it. He was worth sticking around for because we were happy, and the good bits outweighed the bad. He died, that was it, game over. It just ALL feels bad now.

I'm aware that a lot of people go through deep loss and grief and recover from it, but pile it on someone's who's had lifelong depression/anxiety and suicidal ideation and I don't think I can get back any sense of "hope" or attachment to living.

I know life can be beautiful because I've experience it. I don't think human existence is all doom and gloom else everybody else on the planet would be suicidal. But life being beautiful depends on so many aligning factors that can change on a dime.

This for me, so much. My life was beautiful with my boyfriend. I wanted to live again and actually try. Even though we were both suicidal and that's what initially connected us to be together, he was just so perfect! He was everything I dreamed for in a person. He promised me marriage and kids, something I have wanted for so long but started to give up on. He would DoorDash me food when I had a bad day. He would do cute things like leave surprises for me.

And then he took his life. My life hasn't been able to move on since September 10th. He was supposed to move in with me a week before he took his life. And I had told him… That I thought this user's picture of a spider that I had followed suicide methods instructions from before I talked to him was life showing me that he was meant to be in my life so we could not be suicidal. Because my boyfriend's nickname was Spider , and the user I had followed instructions from in the past that was successful had a picture of a spider. Guess what? That user took their life in September too.

Here I was, dreaming and thinking that life was showing me that it can be beautiful. When really it was foreshadowing the biggest heartbreak and pain I would ever experience in my life—my boyfriend's suicide this past September.

He was my support system. And he's gone. No one else can. No therapists can help. I even tried an inpatient program a couple months ago and they literally refunded money to my grandma and let me leave because they said they couldn't help me since my issues were too complicated. I literally have no hope. Not at all. I have been suicidal since 9. Have multiple health issues that my family ignores. Tried to get disability but even that process requires support and my two therapists I had couldn't help me find an attorney for the appeal process and so I have to start all over and there is no back funds because I wasn't able to successful appeal their rejection.

To have hope and live life happy is a privilege that can go away at any time.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

Dude, just because you lack the perspective to put yourself in others shoes and understand why they are doing what they are doing doesn't make them "ill". Being alive isn't appealing to everyone and that doesn't automatically make one ill.

This for me, so much. My life was beautiful with my boyfriend. I wanted to live again and actually try. Even though we were both suicidal and that's what initially connected us to be together, he was just so perfect! He was everything I dreamed for in a person. He promised me marriage and kids, something I have wanted for so long but started to give up on. He would DoorDash me food when I had a bad day. He would do cute things like leave surprises for me.

And then he took his life. My life hasn't been able to move on since September 10th. He was supposed to move in with me a week before he took his life. And I had told him… That I thought this user's picture of a spider that I had followed suicide methods instructions from before I talked to him was life showing me that he was meant to be in my life so we could not be suicidal. Because my boyfriend's nickname was Spider , and the user I had followed instructions from in the past that was successful had a picture of a spider. Guess what? That user took their life in September too.

Here I was, dreaming and thinking that life was showing me that it can be beautiful. When really it was foreshadowing the biggest heartbreak and pain I would ever experience in my life—my boyfriend's suicide this past September.

He was my support system. And he's gone. No one else can. No therapists can help. I even tried an inpatient program a couple months ago and they literally refunded money to my grandma and let me leave because they said they couldn't help me since my issues were too complicated. I literally have no hope. Not at all. I have been suicidal since 9. Have multiple health issues that my family ignores. Tried to get disability but even that process requires support and my two therapists I had couldn't help me find an attorney for the appeal process and so I have to start all over and there is no back funds because I wasn't able to successful appeal their rejection.

To have hope and live life happy is a privilege that can go away at any time.

That's horrible. I'm sorry, no words can really console someone in such distress. I hope that he found peace and all of us will too one day.

 

[thelazyegg]

That's horrible. I'm sorry, no words can really console someone in such distress. I hope that he found peace and all of us will too one day.

Thank you so much. I really hope so too. That's my only grace about this situation. He most likely didn't feel pain if he performed what he did accurately. That's the only thing I don't know—if he was able to pull it off the way everyone says to for it to be peaceful. Especially since they didn't find his body for almost 3 weeks and tbh I didn't ask for details after his brother told me "I don't know where he got the gun" and I just broke mentally after hearing that since my boyfriend told me his plan he almost did back in March but didn't do it. He did it. His friend tried to reassure me that he could have gotten the gun that day since he had government clearance due to past government job, but I still keep wondering if he lied to me when he told me he no longer had the gun when he told me about his almost attempt back last March.

 

[thewalkingdread]

I've never been able to work out which is worse. Someone who apparently has it all but still wants to CTB. That's a desperate state to be in. To feel that there's simply nothing out there that could make life worthwhile. Or- someone who desperately wants something they think will help them but they're very unlikely to get it. I think both situations suck really.

Life just sucks... There's nothing essentially "fair" or "just" or "good" or "beautiful" about it. Existence is fundamentally suffering and random, chaotic, chance.

The only truly good thing that could have happened to someone was just to have never been at all.

The worst part about the person who sees nothing left in life as worth it is that no one else will believe them. They'll insist they need to change their attitude. They'll insist they are in the wrong, mentally ill, depressed- whatever. They're less likely to talk someone out of feeling physical pain though

This is so true.