I cheated

[idkwhattodoman]

I cheated on my ex gf, who was my first love. I never was pursued by girls before and a girl from my class started texting me and giving me lots of attention. At first I thought it was just to be friends but then it crossed the line. I didn't think about the affect it would have on her or our relationship. That coupled with insecurity and lack of boundaries led to me cheat. I told my ex a day after I cheated and she was destroyed. I can't get over the shame of what I did. She never deserved to be treated like this. She was the nicest person I've ever met.
We broke up 2 months ago and have been in no contact for a month and we've deleted all our photos of each other. She gave me back all of the gifts, letters, and things I've ever given her and I'm thinking about tossing those soon too.
I'm hoping its been enough time that my passing wont affect her mentally. I know I really fucked her up and I don't think I'm redeemable. I've always had SI and she knows that I had it in my younger years. I've been going to therapy a lot but I still have this sense of dread that I ruined so much.

I'm about to fail out of my school and I don't know if I'll be able to remediate it all. I've been waking up with panic attacks about what I did and how much I hurt her. Been thinking about just quitting. The feelings have fluctuated but haven't gone away since I did it but are really spiking now. I feel so irredeemable, shameful, and pathetic.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

What you did was undoubtedly horrible. But unlike most people that cheat you admit to your wrongdoings and take accountability. As long as you learn from your mistake and never repeat it then you're not a terrible person. At the end of the day we're all human and we will all end up doing at least one morally questionable thing at some point in our life. I hope you heal.

 

[knowledgeseeking]

What you did was wrong, but the only way you're irredeemable is if you do it again going into your next relationship. What you did was unkind and hurtful, but hardly a capital offense. Sounds to me like you've beat and punished yourself enough.

Best thing for you to do is go forward and be better next time. Someday when you meet someone else and end up in relationship, be faithful.

I'm sure you hurt her but she will move past it. Thinking you destroyed her forever is just dramatic. Being cheated on sucks, in the moment it can feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. There might even be some people in the world that hold onto it for years, but they need therapy and most likely if it wasn't cheating something else would have happened to give them something painful to hold onto.

The point of the story is she will be fine and so will you.

Forgive yourself.